Thursday, February 16, 2006 :::

make the quiet louder

I lay in bed... waiting... but sleep will not come.
my mind is alive... awake and refusing to rest...
I sent BoB an email a couple of months ago... he responded tonight.

months ago, when I found out he was married... it is difficult to explain.
through everything I felt when my david and I split up, throughout it all,
there was this underlying feeling... the faith that I've always had that
someone out there does love me.
in my darkest night... after I'd lost even my faith in God... or maybe
this is how God truly exists?
the undercurrent in my life has always been that no matter what BoB will
always love me.
when he said those words... said he'd actually gone through with it...
saying I was shocked is an understatement.
I felt more alone than I'd ever been.
for the first time I truly understood what it is like to cry alone.
and I understood how he had felt when I told him about my david.

I bring this up not because I'm trying to undermine his new vows...
not even because I doubt the old ones still exist.
as he and I have always agreed - everything is forgivable.
I do still love him, and I believe that I will never stop.
only now I am beginning to understand what that really means.

to put someone else first.
to be the best friend I can, not because I want something in return, but
because implicit trust is a beautiful thing.
I sit here writing this and know I am wasting adrian's time.
he is a wonderful man - fiercely loyal and even tolerates my fits.
but I do not love him. not as I love my david. not as I love BoB.
while my thoughts for him are warm they are not passionate.
I wonder how much longer I will waste his time... if he will ever forgive
I drew up a contract while he only asked that I be honest.
my implied truths are unfair to him.
he is dear to me, and has a place in my heart.
I think sometimes that I could learn to love him, to truly ~love~ him.
he is a good man and deserves to be happy.
I am not sure I am the one to give it to him.
I failed my david. the effort I put in was not enough. I was too
selfish... or something else was wrong. I still don't know what went
wrong, only that something did. I am not the woman he needed me to be.
but I would give my happiness for his.

I would give my life for either of them, and in a way I have.
I sit here wallowing in self pity, while at the same time I try to do what I
think is best for both of them.
for david, I don't think I should ever see him again. on the one hand I
don't think I deserve to, and on the other I know he is better off with out
me. either way he is happier now, with those who stood by him all those
years. I was, after all, only his girlfriend.
with BoB, I think he too would be better off without me. only sometimes I
can still feel him, and I know something is not right. some confidence is
failing, some reserve not being met.
he has forgotten I love him.
so here I stand, simply to remind him. no other thoughts but being there
for him to lean on, as he was so often there for me to lean on.
after all, what are friends for?

meditation. prayer. finding your center.
whatever needs to be done to make the quiet louder.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:49 AM :::