Saturday, March 24, 2007 :::

the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

I dunno. I feel better, but I'm still restless.
more and more I dunno what to do about budd.
don't get me wrong; he's wonderful. he really is.
I think it's me.

I cancelled WoW [again]. even uninstalled it. so my drive's got an extra 7 gigs of space.
I'm not sure why I cancelled, though.
I mean, I know it was a tantrum. but I'm not sure what exactly set me off.
well.. that's not true, either.
budd did shit in WoW while I was in new mexico.
I knew he would, I suppose.
I guess, though, since the reason I play is to do things with him... I guess that's why I was mad.
he's always saying he likes playing with me, but he can obviously play just fine without me.
reminds me a lot of adrian, honestly.
and there's a reason adrian and I aren't dating anymore.
... or is there? lol. I remember being restless back then, too, but at least he had the sense to put down his mmo when I asked him to.
is that what I'm upset about? that budd continues to defy me by refusing to quit WoW?
didn't I say I didn't want to change him? that relationships should not be the dictatorship I always turn them into?
isn't what I love most about him...? isn't it that I'm sincerely trying to be honest with him. and that he accepts me anyway?
or am I just telling myself that? I am just bored again?
I'm tired of lubbock, but I won't leave because budd's here.
lol I know, I know; I said I wouldn't make any decisions based on the guys I date.
honestly I've never trusted anyone but BoB with as much of me as I've told budd.
on the same note, I was closer to nicc than I am with either BoB or budd.
and where did that get me, eh?
my heirarchy of trust needs to be re-evaluated. should not go from nicc to BoB to budd to my last best friend. especially since 3 of the 4 aren't exactly constants in my life. nor should they be. come to think of it, none of them are.
shouldn't I trust someone who will always be there?
but who? do I even have any constants in my life?
do I really want any? or would that just add to my restlessness?

::: posted by tinafish at 9:25 PM :::