When I was younger I used to be in shape. I was never thin... solid was more like it. I always was very active physically, and since I had a "nice" body, I did tend to wear form fitting clothing.
There was this girl who sat in front of my sister and I. She was just a kid... probably still in high school... She was wearing this little shirt and skirt outfit. Kinda out there, but still cute enough. And it was fitted.
The way some of the women in the congregation were looking at her, though. Women used to look at me like that. And it struck home right then. What I've let myself become.
I'm not thin. I never was. And I don't want to be. But I realised this morning that I'm disgusted with myself - with my body. I'm not happy with myself physically.
I can not remember the last time I put on a swimsuit. Now that I think about it, it's been aaaaages since I've even put on a pair of shorts. And I lie to myself about why I don't. I say it's 'cause my legs are too white. That's not the truth, though. I even say that it's because none of my old clothes still fits. That's closer to the truth, but still not there. If that was the only reason, I'd have gone out and bought new shorts by now. The real reason is that I'm not happy with the way I look in shorts. My legs are fat. I don't mean that they're incredibly large; they're not that big. Just that my legs used to be muscle. The muscle would move as one when I walked. Now... well, suffice it to say that's not what's going on.
I need to start working out. So I thought I'd join a gym. But I used to make fun of people like me.
I don't know why this matters so much. I don't think I'm exceptionally shallow, just that this means a lot to me. Which brings about a bigger question. Why am I so unhappy with myself?
Is this some sort of projection of today's society that I'm having? Thin is Beautiful. Fat is not. But I'm not fat. I am fatter than I've ever been in my life, but I am not fat. So then what's going on? Why does this bother me so much?
I've not been home in over a year. I say it's because there's just too much drama going on down there. Is that the real reason? Or am I afraid of what my old "friends" will say?
I've never been too concerned with what other people think of me. I've learned that you can never please everyone. So why all this commotion over being a couple of sizes larger than I used to be?
It's not like my eating habits have changed. I've always had a... good appetite. Ok. So I eat a lot. It never mattered before. Almost every day in high school I stopped at McDonald's on my way to school for breakfast. 2 Apple Pies and an Oreo McFlurry. Everyday. And that was only breakfast. For lunch I had whatever the cafeteria was serving (twice) plus a few candybars, a soda, and a bag of chips. Some of the girls at school would ask what my diet was like. Imagine their surprise when I told them what I had for breakfast every morning. *sigh*
So then I would preach. "It's not how much you eat," I would say. "Just keep your calorie intake lower or equal to your energy output." Words of wisdom. And I lived by them too. I worked out, on average, 2 hours a day. Every day. Sometimes more. Rarely less.
So maybe I'll join a gym. I need to do something. I've gotten really bad about this. I've gotten to the point where I hate mirrors. I don't even look in the mirror while I'm doing my hair or make-up. I take a quick peek when I'm all through, just to make sure I'm presentable. And even then it kills me. My complexion. My eyebrows. The fullness of my face. I'm more curvy now than I used to be. Some people like that. David doesn't seem to mind. *shaking head* I do.
So what's the point of me spilling all this out here. *shrug* A friend of mine told me that I should write my goals down. So here I go. By the fall semester, I'd like to fit into my old clothes. I'm not aiming for the stuff that I wore when I was in high school. I'm talking about the stuff I was wearing when I lived in Houston. By the fall semester. I'm not sure how I'm gonna do it, but I know how I'm gonna start.
I'm gonna buy a tape measure. And I may strip down to my unmentionables and take a picture of myself and tape it up in my bedroom. If I can bring myself to do that. But I am buying the tape measure. And working out was a huge part of my life before... I'm sure I can manage.
And if anyone in the Lubbock area wants a work-out-buddy, let me know.
::: posted by tinafish at 1:18 AM :::