Monday, May 17, 2004 :::
And I'm tired.
David's been wanting me to sign a lease with him... it's not something I'm ready to do. Hell, I still don't think we "live" together. There is still nothing here that is mine - everything is saturated with him. When we fight and I want to walk away, but not out, I end up heading to the bathroom.
I've had the worst experience ever tonight. One of David's friends... he pointed out some stuff...
it's crap.
When david told me what he said... I just felt... I dunno. This d00d's never even talked to me. And no matter how much any of david's friends think they know about us, they still don't.
Not a single one of them new me before I was dating David. This whole rltnship with him has been one compromise after another. And I'm not upset about that... It was time I learned to give too, not just take, ya know? I'm sure they think I'm just not trying, but I really am.
They just don't know who I used to be.
The person I used to be. *sigh* Joe... hated who I was. One of the last conversations I had with him, he was talking about how much I had changed since high school, and how proud he was of me.
David doesn't know how much I've given. I feel a lot of times like he takes me for granted. And then there are times when I feel I've been taking him for granted.
After all that happened this weekend, I still feel like this is the best thing I've ever had. I've never worked so hard on anything, for anyone.
In the same breath, I still feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I feel like I've got my nails into this, but it's still just slipping between my fingers.
The thought of losing him... makes my heart hurt.
With everyone else it was always just a game - just something to do during a commercial.
I don't want to walk away. But if it's what's best for him, I know I should.
I know his friends are just worried about him, and they all just want what's best for him.
The reason I don't study for tests, and why I don't ever apply myself at school... I am afraid.
I am afraid I will study my ass off and just not make the cut.
I'm afraid that no matter how hard I try my best just won't be good enough.
::: posted by tinafish at 3:02 AM :::