Wednesday, November 10, 2004 :::
it's been one of those days...
I found out Lucky's dead... and if I hadn't been having such psycho dreams that I called david I don't think I'd have found out at all.
David... I can't hardly begin to imagine how he feels. He's had lucky for aaaaaages, and I vividly remember how torn up he was when Lucky got taken to the pound.
He said he doesn't know what he'd do w/out Squishy.
Sometimes - actually a lot, lately - I've been wondering the same thing.
BoB is getting married.
In November of next year.
I asked him to marry me a few days after david & I split up... he said he didn't want to be the replacement.
He's also said some really hurtful things about why Doke is willing to put up with me.
BoB and I were supposed to go on vacation together this coming spring break.
I ~seriously~ doubt his chick is gonna let him. Lord knows she doesn't trust me, and I dunno if she trusts him or not.
She ought to, though. He's just that kind of guy.
So I guess I've just been having a big pity party today.
And I've been rather mean to Doke today, too.
I've just got a lot on my mind.
I wish sometimes I could talk to him about what's going on inside me, but after what happened this past weekend... he's made it clear that we are no longer "friends" and that he's not willing to go back to it.
And that's what I need right now, ya know?
I need friends.
The other night my roommate & I stayed up late just talking. About nothing, really. And it was one of the most intimate conversations I've ever had.
He thinks it's psycho of me to care so much about BoB getting married.
It's difficult to explain... I mean... even though we spent 8 years together... when it comes down to it, we still fell apart.
heh.
And what happens when I try to be a better girlfriend?
It blows up in my face.
*sigh*
So why do I even bother dating?
I'd decided, when david and I split up, that I was gonna take some time and be single - to find out who I am.
But noooo, I just couldn't do it, could I?
I haven't been single since I was in junior high. Truth be told, being single scares the hell outta me.
I mean, when you're single, who do you call when you have a bad dream?
Your best friend, right?
And what happened to my last best friend?
*sigh*
He said he hated the person he was around me.
Go figure.
Well I guess this is enough venting for now.
I guess when I started this blog I never thought it'd get as much traffic as it does.
I also never really thought anyone I know irl would read this.
I'm just so tired, ya know? I mean...
I want someone to love me for me, and I want to be able to trust that person w/ all of me.
Something I haven't done in years.
here I sit, once again
hurt and almost in tears
and once again, I cry alone...
no one has comforted me in years
No worries ya'll.
I'll feel better in the morning.
::: posted by tinafish at 12:26 AM :::