Monday, December 06, 2004 :::

my brain is not hungry anymore...
 

so I've mentioned that I've got a lot on my mind...
there's the thing that happened in the valley
there's the thing that happened on the internet
there's the thing that's going on w/ adrian
there's the thing that's going on w/ dan
and there's the thing that's going on w/ doke

About what happened in the valley...
I feel betrayed by one of the only people I've ever completely trusted. And I do mean completely.
Each day I make choices about how much to trust everyone... from my roommate to my guy to my friends to my family.
I've only ever trusted 2 people completely... I used to say 3, but I've come to realize I never trusted david completely. I knew there were parts of me that were too dark and too cynical even for him.
And now... well...
...
now I just don't trust anyone.

About what happened on the internet...
seems I always have the most interesting conversations.
I've never really cared if someone I was interested in had ties. If they were in a good relationship then no matter what I had to offer they wouldn't be tempted.
funny how that worked out.
I used to think david was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Most days I still do.
which just leaves me to wonder... if things were so great... why was I tempted?
seems I'm leading myself around in circles... I'm still not strong enough to just sit down and think about it.
I still cry.

About what's going on with adrian...
he wants to be there for me... just like I said, I don't trust anyone.
When I first met him I thought he had trust issues.
And I knew I did.
Now my trust issues have grown exponentially... and he... he just wants to be there for me.

About what's going on with dan...
he's moving out.
I can see where he's coming from and I don't hold it against him, but in the same breath he's left me kinda fucked.
and I'm gonna miss him.

About what's going on with doke...
seems everyone keeps asking both him & me, "do you ~really~ think it's a good idea for the two of you to live together?"
Believe me, we've both thought about this.
and it may not be the best idea we've ever had, but we have both considered the consequences.
And when it comes down to it no one else really knows what went on btwn us.
Guess this is a dressed up version of me saying, "fuck off."
'cause yes, it has occurred to us. and yes, I know it could all go to hell.
gimme a break, will ya?


I've got a lot on my mind... and it's a lot more comforting to have to worry about how things'll be when doke moves in than it is to worry about having a place to live.
I appreciate your concern... about all of this.
just I've got enough on my plate w/out having to convince you that I'll be ok.

::: posted by tinafish at 7:54 PM :::