Monday, March 28, 2005 :::
well it's true. he really does.
I'd be stoked to call him my d00d, ya know?
even though I hardly know the guy I have this madd affection for him.
it's not like me.
he mentioned that he wants a chick, and instead of being... I dunno... ~girly~ or something, I suggested he get a dog. he said he didn't want a dog, that he wanted me. and I told him people in hell want ice water.
I've got awesome social skills, eh?
/me sigh
at first I thought I was just still sore about how things went the first time we had a go.
except things went really well... and it was my choice to not see him again.
so then I thought it was 'cause he'll be busy with school and working, and I tend to keep odd hours.
but that's just an excuse; an inconvenience at most.
then I thought maybe I didn't want to be in a rltnship atm. I've been doing really well being single, and I'm not in any rush to get myself a counterpart just yet.
that's partly true... but only at the surface.
truth is, I'm afraid.
and I know we're all afraid, mostly of getting hurt... but that's not what I'm afraid of. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm afraid to get hurt... but that's a chance I don't mind taking.
I'm afraid I'll cheat.
I've purposely been sketchy about what happened btwn david and me... all I'll say is that our rltnship was shit the last few months we were together, and I made some bad choices.
that's not saying I regret them, though. I really do believe you can't regret anything you learn from.
I cheated. not physically, mind you, but I began to think of someone else as more than just a friend. Now this friend lives states away and I've never met the guy irl, but over the course of our friendship we'd grown very close. we were both in compromised rltnships, and found solace in each other.
it's odd, isn't it? the most rewarding rltnship I've ever had existed almost solely in cyberspace.
and this concerns justin (or any guy, really) because since I honestly don't regret cheating, I'm afraid I'll do it again.
I know you're probably thinking, "how'd you cheat? you've never met the guy."
thing is, I'm kind of an idealist when it comes to my rltnships. I've always felt that if there's anyone else you'd rather be with, anyone you like more than me, then go be with her. And I've always said that if there was anyone else I wanted to be with, I'd break up w/ whoever I'm seeing. Not even necessarily to pursue anything with the other person, but just because it's not fair to the guy I'm dating.
I still feel that way.
so by that, I did cheat.
I'm afraid I'll do it again.
I don't see myself letting things in a rltnship I'm in get that bad ever again.
and I'm pretty much a different grrl than I used to be - after all that's happened I've had to rethink a lot of my philosophy towards life, and I've learned that nothing is absolute.
so I guess when it comes down to it... I'm not afraid of getting hurt.
I'm afraid I'll hurt him.
::: posted by tinafish at 1:08 AM :::