Tuesday, March 01, 2005 :::

lighten up a bit, will ya?
 

"My brother in-law was not impressed that I had just recently bought a new van with a full-bed in the back. He says to me, 'I cant believe you didn't get a Mercedes Benz.' I said, 'Mercedes doesn't make a van.' 'You obviously don't understand the point of a Mercedes. I've got 3 inch little windshield wipers on my headlights to use in a rainstorm.' 'Oh yeah? I've got a place to fuck your sister.'"
      - Ron White - They Call Me Tater Salad


But then there was the phasers. Now the phasers were just there; you just had two settings � kill or stun, but it should have been a much more amazing weapon, �cause they had very advanced technology. There should have been many more settings, not just kill or stun. Kill, stun... limp- that�s a nice one, isn�t it? All the �Star Trek� people over there with the phasers, and all the people on the planet would be over here, going, �It�s people� invaders! We must get them! Yeah!� (mimes attacking and suddenly limping after phaser is shot) �They�ve set their phasers on limp, oh� Get out of here.�
Or set it on �Bit of a Cough� setting, even lower. (mimes attacking and getting a coughing attack) �Get some Spectrum, quick!�
Or it could have �Depression� setting, that�s, you know, an emotional setting. (mimes attacking and sudden onset of depression) �Oh, bugger! It�ll never work, let�s just� I don�t know, my whole life down the drain� Invaders, invaders��
�Bad Eyes� setting, that could work. (mimes attacking, then veers off) Bear with me, please, I�ve thought of 100 of these.
�Ice-cream Van Nearby� setting, that�s one. (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by buying ice-cream) �Oh, two, three�� (mimes eating ice-cream)
Then you have �Sudden Interest in Botany� setting � (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by a plant) �Ooh! (mumbles) Repot every summer��
�Water in Ear After Swimming�! (mimes attacking, then jumping about to get rid of water in the ear)
Oh, yeah, and finally, this is very totally finally � �Oven Left On At Home� setting. (mimes attacking, then turning around and running in the opposite direction) �Oh, shit!�
      - Eddie Izzard - Unrepeatable


"If an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger changed your life... you might be a redneck."
      - Jeff Foxworthy - Blue Collar Comedy Tour


"Virus = Very Yes"
      - Compy 386 - Strongbad Email 118: virus
::: posted by tinafish at 5:38 PM :::