Monday, April 18, 2005 :::

it's happening... and I'm not ready for it
 

I had a very interesting childhood. for a variety of reasons, primarily because of post partum depression, my mother and I were never close.
3 of my older sisters raised me... one in particular, though. her name is rosa.
I call her Cammy, short for camar�n, which is shrimp in spanish - 'cause she's shorter than me (she doesn't even break 5') - and she didn't appreciate me calling her Shrimpy in public.
she really did raise me, though... the reason I eat "bland ass white people food" (as lus calls it) is because she's a dialysis patient, and has always been on a diet.
she's been on dialysis since I was... 3. I honestly don't remember her ever being "healthy" or anything other than "sick."
apparently now she's developed chf, and with her already being on dialysis, it's really only a matter of time now.

my whole life I've been told that she's probably not going to live long enough to see me graduate high school. and my parents, both in their 40s when I was born, have been unlikely to see me marry or have children.
it's never really bothered me. the thought of someone dying, that is.
I don't get along well with anyone in my family... mostly because of the whole throwing stones in a glass house bit.
I've always been rather impartial to death... we're all gonna die, and I don't think it's anything to fuss about.
this one year when I was in high school there was a 3 month stretch where I had a funeral to go to every weekend.

So I've grown up being told that the closest thing to a real-life caring mother I've ever had would be dead soon.
more than soon, really. I've learned to expect it.
and I've spent my whole life waiting for it to happen.

she and I don't talk very often. I mean, we do talk, but it's always so impersonal - superficial and empty.
the last real conversation I had with her was when I told her I was engaged for the second time.
she kind of mocked me... and the guy who'd asked me to marry him.
thing is, he's one of my oldest and best friends... and I could never understand why she said what she did. I still don't.
after that happened... I kinda stopped holding her in such high regard.
it was... shattering for me.

I guess what I'm having the most trouble accepting is that she may be gone forever.
I'm a big disappointmet to her... I had such potential, and such hope.
and it's painful to know that she won't live long enough to ever be proud of me.
::: posted by tinafish at 9:14 PM :::