Friday, April 15, 2005 :::
pain is weakness leaving the body
completely wrong.
betrayal - by the only person you still trusted. possibly the only person you ever trusted.
how do you deal with that?
I still haven't.
I thought I'd gotten over it, but it seems I was mistaken.
I didn't have the time to deal with it when it happened... if I had, I'd have spoiled the time for everyone, particularly myself.
so I wrapped it up and tucked it away, deep inside me... for later. for when I had time.
thing is, I've not touched it since then, not really.
I've not meditated in aaaages, not since months before david & I split up.
back a couple of days ago, when I decided to "lay things out" for justin... I sat in the tub for a while, trying to find words, and the order they should go in.
I didn't meditate... I've been afraid to be alone w/ my thoughts. I should have, though. it might have helped.
I've not slept yet. not since wednesday night/thursday morning.
each time that I started to fall asleep last night... I started having a dream.
it's a dream I've had before, but it's what really happened - what happened when I woke up - that bothers me so.
I get to dozing, then suddenly I'm back to talking about a halo crossover to ps2.
I understand that it's familiar - I've had this dream before.
impending doom. no way around it.
pain. what's happening?
no.
I will not wake up, not from this dream. not to relive what happened.
I've got to wake completely up. maybe find refuge in another dream? anything but wake up inside this dream.
I'm supposed to go to bleachers tonight, to watch lus play. his band will be broken up soon.
I should sleep, though. only... I'm afraid.
I still don't want to deal with what happened, not now. not when things were getting so much better.
but if not now, when?
I need to envelop it. make it part of me. learn from it.
learn not to trust? that's not right.
but I do need to deal with it; I need to do something.
ask for help? from who?
who do I trust? who do I really trust, with all of me?
I wish I would hold a grudge.
::: posted by tinafish at 3:27 PM :::