Wednesday, June 29, 2005 :::
I dunno about that kid. I mean... he's awesome and all...
but when it comes down to it he's still just a kid.
/me sigh
not like I'm actually older than him... but I do tend to be very cynical... and I think of him more as naive than someone who lives in the real world.
think it was in mr and mrs smith that I heard, "there are no happy endings, just stories that haven't finished yet."
I'm at a point where I'd like someone to spend my time with... but not in the same way that I usually do.
as much ridicule this is gonna get me, I'm gonna say it anyway. I want someone to cuddle with.
but not the usual my-way-or-get-out bit that I usually do.
I want a counterpart.
for a while I thought I'd found one - in justin.
he and I get along well enough, and we're different enough to still have things to explore.
but I didn't choose him. it just happened that way.
I still wonder if it has much to do with the amt of alcohol in my bloodstream the night I met him.
heh.
sometimes I wish I'd have never seen him again after valentine's day - then he'd still be that perfect boy.
/me shrug
it's kinda funny, really.
I've pretty much lost respect for justin (as a viable counterpart, not as a person), and, as often happens... doke asked some open-ended questions that he already knew the answers to, but it seem he still wanted to hear it from me.
I remember one night, right around the time things went to absolute shit w/ me and david... I asked him if he still wanted me... and he said no. I told him he didn't mean that... and I just sat there waiting for him to say something.
I knew it was true, though. I'd known for a while, and I chose not to believe him... I wasn't ready to believe him... I had spent so long convincing myself that he and I had something worth holding on to... I wasn't prepared to admit that I was the one doing all the holding. both david and I are better off now, and probably happier than we would be if we had stayed together. hurt like hell though, the first time I really understood.
the funny thing is, doke has apparently lost all respect for me.
the choices I make are choices I can live with. and there are some choices that I didn't make; they're already there.
sometimes you've gotta shoot from the hip, and just trust that things'll be alright.
granted I should probably think things through more often - it's not like I don't want the people around me to be happy... but dammit I want to be happy too.
emotions are not something to be apologized for, but I am sorry that doke's tied up in my mess.
::: posted by tinafish at 3:08 AM :::