Wednesday, July 27, 2005 :::
I used to think it was this pure, beautiful thing...
now...
I dunno.
I mean, the whole thing with justin...
he thought love was enough.
and as much as I want that to be true...
I just didn't want to be responsible for breaking some kid's heart. again.
/me sigh
and as much as I say it isn't true, there are all these married couples who are just giving up without even trying.
like that whole thing with nicc.
I used to want him to leave her for me.
then I wanted him to leave her for him.
now I just want him to be happy.
part of me respects him so much for staying and trying to work things out.
and part of me thinks he should accept that he will never leave her, and just try to be happy where he is.
with all this that's gone on, I think it's made me more cynical.
most of the guys I go out with anymore don't even raise my interest. dates leave me bored and never wanting to see them again.
then the few guys that I actually am interested in... it just doesn't ever progress.
I'm so hesitant to trust that it turns into them having one chance, and if they screw up that's it.
while lus and I were talking saturday night/sunday morning...
it occurred to me.
as much as I love lus, and as much as I know he loves me, the most he can do is anticipate what I'm going to do. so much of who I am seems like a jumbled mess to him.
adrian... the reason I say he's just like me... he understands why I do things.
he says that when we broke up I asked him to give me a reason to keep him. he didn't. he said I'd already made my mind up and nothing he said would change it.
/me sigh
I dunno.
atm I'm just looking for a drinking buddy.
::: posted by tinafish at 8:56 PM :::