Monday, January 16, 2006 :::

your name on my lips
 

I talked to my brother yesterday.... haven't talked to him that much since he and I were both living at my mom's (he was in high school and I was in grade school).
we talked a bit about david... about how I didn't handle the breakup well at all...
and a bit about BoB... how his being married has made me want to get married too... how I'm still trying to prove to everyone that I'm "over" him...
it was... an interesting experience.
reminded me of that one time, in high school I think, when I started dating one of his friends.

work has been... trying.
I used to love to come to work; I had so much fun with the guys.
then we got bought out... working conditions have actually gotten worse... things take a lot more effort & time to get done...
I dunno. seems I'm getting tired of working here.

adrian, for the first time since I've known him, actually asked me how my day is going.
I'm not sure what to do with that, aside from bask in it.
apparently we've been dating a few months now, and I can't help but pull out the old timeline.
david and I met... in the first 10 seconds I knew I'd love him, if I let myself. and 3 months later, while dancing around at 2 am in the snow, he whispered those 3 little words to me. and I admitted it too.
adrian and I... his first words to me were, "who the fuck are you?" (we met at work, and it was my first day when he said that)... we dated a couple of months... split up... a year later we're dating again.
and that's that, isn't it. we're already on month 5, but unless I actually count it out it doesn't feel like it.
I wonder if it's cause I'm afraid of commitment? or is it something in him that I'm avoiding? or maybe something in me?
I've never been much for romance... but more often than not I've had to deal with it anyway. adrian's a lot of things, but romantic is ~not~ one of them.
sometimes I think it's 'cause he's not very good at expressing himself. I think that might be closer to the truth... but it's not his fault, really. going into this I practically drew up a contract with rules and guidelines for him to follow, the most prominent being not to tell me he loves me.
when BoB and I were together, he was always telling me. he'd call, email, im, leave voicemails and text messages, notes on my windshield or in my truck...
I miss that. yet I always ask people not to do it. more than ask - I demand, really.
I dunno. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.
why would I want some cookie cutter treatment when I can have someone who knows me?
is that even what I want?
::: posted by tinafish at 5:41 PM :::