Friday, June 09, 2006 :::
that... kinda fell through.
I was all for having a few at the bar, but I've been so sleepy lately.
so after work I headed to the pour house... but due to some sports event the place was super packed.
we called sarah to cancel and I came home.
and I talked to my brother.
I know he means well and all.... but sheesh it seems every time I talk to him I spend a few hours weeping.
literally weeping.
I got home and fully intended to just crawl into bed.
but noooo I hafta turn on my computer.
then I notice I have voicemail.
and that's when I called him back.
I think it's really awesome of him to be actively checking up on me... I think for a long time he assumed everything in my little world was just fine... but lately when he asks how I'm doing I actually tell him.
and that means a lot to me.
I mean... sure he's not the super-cool-awesome-end all brother I thought he was when I was little... but there's so much he doesn't know about me... and it means so much to me that he even bothers to call.
and gawd I'm so damned emotional right now.
I actually made it through yesterday fairly well, but today's been a whole other story.
and today of all days for him to call. we (well I know I sure as hell was, guess I don't really know about him) tried to just make small talk and then out of nowhere I was crying. again.
and I'm not sure why but I really wanted to tell him everything.
hah - gawd knows I can't do that.
we finally hang up and I sit here just staring at some starbucks hot chocolate tins with other mixes or something... that's what he got me for christmas this past year. he didn't know I drink coffee.
of course at christmas I still hadn't told him my david & I split up.
so I'm sitting here tearing up a box of kleenex... and I didn't want to be alone.
I called adrian. and called. and called.
and I didn't give a damn if he thought I was just desperate.
nor do I care if he knows he's the only person I called.
he's taken to teasing me about dating again.
about how he must've been the last person I called.
that he's the first person I called is only semantics.
we ended up going to see the omen.
I thought it was fuck all creepy.
of course I'm mostly just scared of kids.
I think adrian liked it well enough, but he usually likes movies.
the drive over was definitely the highlight for me...
we had this kind of involved conversation about gatorade - lol
and adrian is so damned... indifferent?
gawd I don't even know how to describe him.
I was sitting there crying - and most guys would have probably tried to hug me or something.
they were those silent tears you can only see at the right angle...
adrian knows better than to try to hug me when I'm crying.
part of me was really angry he didn't try; I had no excuse to lash out at him.
the rest of me was... content... happy that he didn't need to know what was wrong.
I've mentioned before I've considered working things out with him.
but could I handle his rejection?
only my vanity lets me assume he would have me again.
and then we'd be right back where we started, wouldn't we?
that's not fair to him.
and right about now is when he'd say I'm making excuses.
lately I've been wondering if he's right.
now I'm gonna crawl into bed.
and I'm taking a box of kleenex with me.
::: posted by tinafish at 1:01 AM :::