Saturday, June 03, 2006 :::
well really it was a conv from another window that leaked into the one he & I were having.
/me sigh
I'm not entirely sure what I wanted to say... I remember thinking I had some valid points to make while mcrough was driving us back from walmart to my sis's house...
and now I can't think of anything concrete.
do I ever have truly thought out posts?
everything just runs out of me... and lots of times I'm not even sure of what I started out trying to say.
I just realised earlier this evening that june 7 is right around the corner.
that may explain why I've been wanting a guy.
do you ever tell yourself that you're completely over someone? that you just want to be friends and have an awesome platonic relationship? with no concern for unjustified feelings or past feelings?
gawd.
I really thought I was finally just happy enough being single that I could welcome someone into my life.
I don't know if that's true or not... of course I don't know for sure who I'm trying to convince.
these guys I've met lately... they have, for the most part, been awesome.
but I miss that familiarity - that.... faith in knowing at least one thing in this uncertain world is unchanging.
that there is a real constant in the universe.
it was like... the bass in my riff of life.
does that even make sense?
BoB says that I miss the idea of him more than I actually miss him.
heh
I actually remember the day I gave him that same speech... back when I was with my david.
was I wrong when I said he missed the idea of me?
or is he wrong when he says I miss the idea of him?
we were mean to each other... near hated each other at times... it's such a thin line, isn't it?
I remember when he & I first split up... I spent months not knowing for certain that the sun was going to come up.
but I did know he loved me. just the rules had changed.
I changed them.
is it fair for me to play the healthy & healed woman?
will I ever be?
he's married now and there's no going back... but is there no going back because he's married?
we both want to believe that.
we both need to, really.
and when I sit and think about it there is no way he and I could ever work things out.
would I even want to?
would he?
in the end he does still love me, and I him... but the rules have changed.
and I changed them.
does it count as a regret if I wouldn't change anything?
::: posted by tinafish at 12:05 AM :::