Thursday, September 28, 2006 :::
beautiful smile to hide the pain
and when things with BoB went to shit, I moved up here.
spent a while getting engaged, and... well... she disapproved of my second engagement. and the guy I was engaged to... he's a great guy, and we grew up together, and I love him. and she said something about him... that even if we weren't engaged I would still have been offended at.
so I didn't talk to her for a couple of weeks. and now those weeks have turned into years.
it's not even about him anymore. I just know she's disappointed in me, and I don't think I could stand hearing it in her voice. or seeing it in her face.
and I so wanted her to be proud of me.
part of me still wants to go home and try to mend things with her. of course, part of me knows that if I did go home I'd screw things up for a couple of people, one whom matters more to me than anyone else I've ever known.
she's still doing ok health wise, but I don't think that'll last too much longer.
of course, I've been expecting this my whole life. it's been coming up more often lately.
and as indifferent to life & death as I claim to be, I'm not entirely sure how I'd handle it.
at least she's got her unmoving faith. this would be easier if I still had mine.
::: posted by tinafish at 12:30 PM :::