Sunday, May 29, 2011 :::
"not for who you are, but for who you were"
and don't take this as an insult to budd, because it's not.
but, you know that quote....
something like, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that'd have me as a member."
I love budd, and I still think the world of him.
but.
I think we were equals. we both had our strengths, and they didn't overlap. and physically we were a good match too - he wasn't out of my league and I wasn't out of his.
now...
now I'm in way over my head.
the guy I'm seeing is way smarter than me, much more attractive... and seems to be better than me at everything either of us has ever done.
and yes, he and I have been really close friends forever, so I'm sure my interactions with him over the last few years play a big part in how high an opinion I have of him.
/sigh
I don't even know where I'm going with this.
oh right.
so when budd and I first decided to split up...
I've gained a TON of weight since he and I got together.
ooh pics to prove it!
here's me a couple of months after budd and I got together... here's me a couple of months before budd and I split up... and since my personality has always been my selling point, here's me with some panties on my head.
aaaand here's two of mostly the same shot, with a few years difference between the two: then and now
now, as me, I still think I'm pretty awesome.
between "round is a shape!" and naming my belly Ester... I'm not really bothered by how I look.
and seriously, my selling point has been my personality since I graduated high school.
but.
there's always a "but" with me lately.
the bf seems genuinely attracted to me (physically) and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I mean, it's great that he wants me, ya know? of course I want him to want me.
but after being friends with him for so long... and if it wasn't me that he's wanting... I think he can do better.
we're not really in the same league
so now I kinda wanna start working out and dieting and assorted other bullshit.
for him.
and I'm worried.
that's bad, right?
but I want to do it for him... in the sense that, I want to be worth it for him? not that he wants me to?
does that make sense?
maybe he's just better at the game than I am.
lord knows I've convinced people that what I wanted was really what they wanted.
of course, if he and I weren't together now... I'd have made at least some effort to get ester under control.
something small, that wouldn't be much work.
and wouldn't be very noticeable, either, I bet.
/shrug
I really think he's out of my league, and it made perfect sense when he blew me off all those years ago.
don't get me wrong - I think budd is a great person.
just... this guy is better.
probably the best person I know.
cue: IT'S A TRAP!
(I am still half convinced he's trolling me)
joking aside, I think he's an amazing human being and deserves someone way better than me.
and not just because I'm rocking 200 lbs.
I want to read more, and build stuff more often, and other random things that don't seem to be related (like getting contacts for ninja cuddles that won't leave me cleaning my glasses afterwards, or always wearing my hair down because I love how it feels when he runs his hands through my hair and pushes my bangs behind my ears) aside from wanting to be close to him.
I want to be the someone who inspires him.
I just wish I could tell
that I could know for sure
that it's because I think he's great
and not because I couldn't even keep budd happy.
EDIT: the title of this post was said by a guy I knew in high school, after he hadn't seen me in several years, and was astonished by how huge I was (and I'm even bigger now!)
::: posted by tinafish at 2:28 PM :::