Sunday, May 29, 2011 :::

"not for who you are, but for who you were"

so I've got a new bf, right?
and don't take this as an insult to budd, because it's not.
but, you know that quote....
something like, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that'd have me as a member."
I love budd, and I still think the world of him.
I think we were equals. we both had our strengths, and they didn't overlap. and physically we were a good match too - he wasn't out of my league and I wasn't out of his.
now I'm in way over my head.
the guy I'm seeing is way smarter than me, much more attractive... and seems to be better than me at everything either of us has ever done.
and yes, he and I have been really close friends forever, so I'm sure my interactions with him over the last few years play a big part in how high an opinion I have of him.
I don't even know where I'm going with this.

oh right.
so when budd and I first decided to split up...
I've gained a TON of weight since he and I got together.
ooh pics to prove it!
here's me a couple of months after budd and I got together... here's me a couple of months before budd and I split up... and since my personality has always been my selling point, here's me with some panties on my head.
aaaand here's two of mostly the same shot, with a few years difference between the two: then and now

now, as me, I still think I'm pretty awesome.
between "round is a shape!" and naming my belly Ester... I'm not really bothered by how I look.
and seriously, my selling point has been my personality since I graduated high school.
there's always a "but" with me lately.
the bf seems genuinely attracted to me (physically) and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I mean, it's great that he wants me, ya know? of course I want him to want me.
but after being friends with him for so long... and if it wasn't me that he's wanting... I think he can do better.
we're not really in the same league

so now I kinda wanna start working out and dieting and assorted other bullshit.
for him.
and I'm worried.
that's bad, right?
but I want to do it for him... in the sense that, I want to be worth it for him? not that he wants me to?
does that make sense?

maybe he's just better at the game than I am.
lord knows I've convinced people that what I wanted was really what they wanted.
of course, if he and I weren't together now... I'd have made at least some effort to get ester under control.
something small, that wouldn't be much work.
and wouldn't be very noticeable, either, I bet.

I really think he's out of my league, and it made perfect sense when he blew me off all those years ago.
don't get me wrong - I think budd is a great person.
just... this guy is better.
probably the best person I know.
cue: IT'S A TRAP!
(I am still half convinced he's trolling me)

joking aside, I think he's an amazing human being and deserves someone way better than me.
and not just because I'm rocking 200 lbs.
I want to read more, and build stuff more often, and other random things that don't seem to be related (like getting contacts for ninja cuddles that won't leave me cleaning my glasses afterwards, or always wearing my hair down because I love how it feels when he runs his hands through my hair and pushes my bangs behind my ears) aside from wanting to be close to him.
I want to be the someone who inspires him.

I just wish I could tell
that I could know for sure
that it's because I think he's great
and not because I couldn't even keep budd happy.

EDIT: the title of this post was said by a guy I knew in high school, after he hadn't seen me in several years, and was astonished by how huge I was (and I'm even bigger now!)

::: posted by tinafish at 2:28 PM :::

Thursday, May 26, 2011 :::

still cheaper than porn

milkdud renewed his wow acct ^_^
AND he got cata too!
I've been leveling my hunter with him, though I should have leveled my druid with him (I'm a TERRIBLE druid)
I'm hoping to get accepted into the same guild slave is in (did I mention resurrected has mostly fallen apart?) after I transfer, but I need to get my shit together.

it's comfortable to be playing wow for chunks at a time.
it's familiar.
I don't remember if I like it, but I can always worry about that later.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:30 PM :::

Sunday, May 22, 2011 :::

leftovers ^_~

I've spent the day playing assorted video games, watching some macgyver, and munching on snacks.
the bf was in town last week and left his snacks here!
I've eaten cheese & crackers, enjoyed limeade, and suffered through some chewy chocolate chip cookies.

I didn't know this (though I guess I should have), but I am a ~huge~ fan of this cheese and crackers business.
I think he usually gets some sort of garlic and herb cheese... and rosemary crackers.
I have been considering going out and purchasing some myself.
I haven't, though, because I've got a ton of other perishables here that I need to consume.
this cheese & crackers business has made me want some apples & cheddar.
I'm gonna start adding stuff to my grocery list, at this rate.

speaking of the bf,
at some point when he was in town, though not this last trip, we were at this local dive with a friend of ours.
and there's this big group of folks at the table next to us... and this chick misquotes captain kirk.
all three of us (at my table) realized what she'd done, and we looked at each other knowingly.
I sure wanna watch st:iv now.
double dumbass on you!

::: posted by tinafish at 5:58 PM :::

Tuesday, May 17, 2011 :::

never thought I'd say this

but I miss nerys.

::: posted by tinafish at 7:22 AM :::

Monday, May 09, 2011 :::

if I ever have the misfortune of getting knocked up

you know me, right?
you know I'm not fond of kids.
they're creepy.

you know I don't want kids, right?
ew @ the whole pregnancy/birth thing.

if I ever make that mistake,
there's a list of books I want my would-be offspring to enjoy.

the only thing I've got to say about this is,
I spend significant amounts of time on r/books.

so anyway.
the list.

It's pretty short atm, and do keep in mind it's been years since I've read most of these , but they made a distinct impression on me.
I imagine I'll come back to this, the more that I read.
but this is stuff I want to read to my child more than once, ya know?

the list.
seriously this time.

in order that they've occurred to me:

The Once and Future King
Ender's Game
Stranger in a Strange Land
Rumble Fish
Lord of the Flies
The Left Hand of Darkness
The Fountainhead
The Giving Tree

I'm sure I'll add to this eventually,
and I promise I am not suddenly wanting kids.

think of it more as a "tinafish awesomesauce recommends" list.
though if I'm recommending.... seriously go read stranger in a strange land!

::: posted by tinafish at 8:48 PM :::