Sunday, June 24, 2012 :::


we put cabinets in this past thursday ^_^
my room is finally starting to come together.
I still need to buy a tool box and mount my tv to the wall, but after that about all that's left is to put my pictures up.
it's a remarkably small living area, but I think I'm doing ok.

I'd planned for the wall cabinet, but the cabinet down below was an afterthought.
we had some left over countertop, so we made a half shelf... and then there was a cabinet that fit right in the space we had left over.
it looks pretty good, and I'm finally getting some of my shit out of storage.
I hope to put a couple of shelfs up over by my desk, and if I can manage that this afternoon I'll put some more pictures up.

for now, though, my cabinets:

::: posted by tinafish at 3:54 PM :::

Sunday, June 17, 2012 :::

I saw God today

I went to mass today, for the first time in about 10 years.

guilt-driven, to be sure.

it was so awkward, since I don't believe.

she believed.
and that's good enough for me.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:18 AM :::

Wednesday, June 13, 2012 :::

the rain will kill us all

it's been a while.
lots of stuff has happened.
my life had never been so great, and then, suddenly...

my sister, rosie.. the one who raised me.
she's gone now.
I'd been hearing it all my life, how she wouldn't see me [insert arbitrary milestone], and yet it's hard to believe.
I'm taking it worse than I expected, especially now that I'm home.
I expected to just file it away and only fuss over her death when I was in the valley.
but I can't sleep.
and when I do, I'm having nightmares.

I've found that going through a rosary lets me sleep.
I wonder what my subconcious would fill in for penance if I hadn't been raised catholic.

the bf has been wonderful.
we went down to the valley for about a week when the doctors first found the cancer.
he dropped everything and hopped in a car with me and held my hand and hugged me and held me when I cried.
we both dropped our summer classes for the funeral.
again he dropped everything.

he's such a pretty face, you know?
it's not that I didn't expect him to go with me,
but he did it even though he had a viable excuse.
and he did it willingly.
he helped me through it. he still is.

we were laying in bed one night,
and you know, I really wish I still believed in god.
he put his arms around me and said, "maybe we're wrong."

if nothing else, I believe she's in a better place now.
even if only decaying in a box, at least she isn't in pain anymore.

the sister I live with, gloria.
fml if she didn't pull some shit.
she's kind of an attention whore.
and whatever, she's my sister, but seriously she's a grownup.
she took a camera.
she took a camera to the hospital, to the rosario, and to the fucking funeral.
I could've hit her.

the body looked good. better than it had the last time I'd seen her.
she was so frail, and though she'd been "sick" her whole life, this was really the first time I'd ever noticed it.
the casket was pretty.
and the funeral was nice.

if I'm taking it this badly now,
I'm apprehensive about how I will feel during the holidays.

she was everyone's favorite, you know?
the best aunt/daughter/sister/cousin
she was our glue
we're a mess without her.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:50 PM :::

Friday, June 01, 2012 :::

well fuck

she's gone.
I'm taking it harder than I expected.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:54 PM :::