Tuesday, February 28, 2006 :::

I was aiming for his shoulder

last night adrian and I went by best buy to pick up a copy of batman begins...
and for whatever [lame] reason he still buys cds, so he veered off into the cd section...
and then, 'cause I was dancing around bitching, he through a cd divider at me.
now, remember how I had been wanting throwing knives for valentine's? it's 'cause my aim is... well... hard to predict.
so I grab the cd divider and throw it back... and it hits him in the face.
I, of course, burst out laughing.

then we head over to b&n...
on the way in he's walking next to me, swinging his foot up and hitting my bum w/ it...
and again, I overestimate his physical prowess...
he's holding my arm in his, so I stick my foot up to prevent his from coming down to the ground again.
and he trips.
so again I burst out laughing.

then we stopped by united for some fish sticks, but ended up with fish fillets, and he got me a tmnt pez dispenser.
neeeeenja turtles
oh and I'm trying to leave blogger for wordpress...
we'll see how that goes

::: posted by tinafish at 10:59 AM :::

Monday, February 27, 2006 :::

'til I walked through it with you

well I had a wonderful weekend...
friday I watched transporter & transporter 2
saturday I mostly lounged about and then watched a few ds9 episodes with adrian
sunday I lounged about most of the day, then adrian and I went to the hockey game

my sis has bronchitis again.
that woman's always suffering from some sort of respiratory infection.
/me shaking head

I'm craving some chicken nuggets...
preferrably w/ bbq sauce

there's a few tidbits of info floating around in my head... things I wanna mention...
can't seem to get a grip on anything.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:01 AM :::

Friday, February 24, 2006 :::

he sneezes like a pregnant bajoran

sarah and I had talked about going out for a bit last night, but we ended up not.
so irby and I, instead of working on his website, went out for a few beers.
I had more of that southern comfort mix jordan made for me and aj (a sicilian kiss, if you're wondering)
hung out 'till closing, then went back to his house to get his website stuff uploaded.
I ~still~ can't get the ftp login crud right for the subdomain... dunno why he doesn't just dload transmit (I even linked you irby! dload it! it's so much easier!)
at least then I'd either be getting it wrong 'cause I'm putting the wrong stuff into the right fields... right now I don't know if I'm putting the right stuff into the wrong fields, the wrong stuff into the wrong fields, the wrong stuff into the right fields... seriously I have no clue.

I slept well last night, so I'm thinking all I've needed is a nightcap.

have a good weekend ya'll...
I'm off to watch transporter & transporter 2
and rawk! I just got some free hockey tickets

::: posted by tinafish at 4:16 PM :::

Thursday, February 23, 2006 :::

we have a winner

so like... as awesome as rocky road is, hot chocolate is ~so~ much better!

Rocky Road - Rich, dark chocolate ice cream generously sprinkled with chopped, butter-roasted almonds and miniature marshmallows.
Hot Chocolate - Creamy milk chocolate ice cream loaded with miniature marshmallows, dark chocolate shavings and a rich marshmallow sauce swirl.

omg it's so incredibly delicious - the best parts of rocky road w/ nothing bad!
I think (and this is tentative) this may replace pistacchio almond as my favorite flavor of ice cream.
think I'm gonna write blue bell a letter saying something like:
"OMG! hot chocolate is t3h rox0rz!!!1one!"
lol - is that even proper leet speak?

::: posted by tinafish at 1:58 PM :::

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 :::

the clueless ninja

so adrian and I had a big talk last night...
guess we're better off now.. or something.
I did finally get the chance to give him his real valentine's gifts...
got him a copy of serenity and batman: year one
he seems to like 'em, so I'm glad.

the dinner last night went well - hardly anyone showed up, so I didn't hafta meet new people.
I did have lasagna, and the little d00d giving the presentation was a cutie.
he was all cowboyed up, and I promise if he'd been 20 years younger and a couple inches taller I'd have given him the eye.
my sis and I had a really good time... I combed my hair and even wore some makeup.

think irby and I are getting together tonight to work on his site.
I've never had a subdomain before, so I'm not real sure how that's supposed to work.
plus I've never really been a fan of dreamweaver, which is what he's using...
guess we'll see

and I dunno wtf, but my neck is sore - hurts to look down...
wonder if it's from reading?

::: posted by tinafish at 4:54 PM :::

lucky fella

r00, whom we all know and love, has bought haduk3n.com
in honor of his purchase, let us all join in:


::: posted by tinafish at 2:05 PM :::

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 :::

the good, the bad, the ugly

ok so like, the good:
mike, my best friend in the world, is coming to visit me in 2 weekends.
hopefully, of course, assuming nothing goes wrong btwn now and then, and that he can get some time off to come up here.
I'm so super stoked I can't begin to tell you - I've not seen him since he went to amy's wedding with me last year.
we don't get to talk near as often as I'd like, but every time we do it's like no time at all has passed, which is (imo) the true meaning of friendship.
javi-er'll be back in town at the end of the week!
we should be resurrecting taco friday starting next week, again assuming nothing blows up.
we're also gonna hit up tekken and soul cal...
.oO(I've gotta remember to stock up on red bull)

the bad:
adrian and I seem to be...
I'm not even sure where I'm going with this.
he seems to be unhappy with some of the stances I've taken, even though they've not changed since we decided to date again.
I'm not sure what'll come of this... guess that depends on him.

the ugly:
my sis & I will be having dinner w/ a load of nurses.
today would have been my & david's anniv, and I'm not sure I want to spend the evening meeting new people.

taken all together, the news of being able to see both mike & javi-er very soon - actually being able to talk to both of them today... it's improved my mood plenty.
still hafta go home and dress up for dinner tonight, but it doesn't seem so bad anymore.
oh and check out fearless - that's jet li's latest (possibly last?) movie

::: posted by tinafish at 1:59 PM :::

Monday, February 20, 2006 :::

but I have a headache

so work today has been interesting - gizmo & tooter got into a bit of a shouting match earlier.
my weekend was mostly uneventful... seems I slept through sunday.
I woke up last night about midnight... read the eyes of the dragon then lounged about 'till it was time to come to work.

I picked that book up last time I was at the bookstore... told adrian I wanted something about a dragon - something written from the dragon's point of view.
something through the eyes of a dragon.
this book, while quite literally through the eyes of a dragon, is not what I had in mind.
but oh well. got myself a bit of a fantasy fix.
think the art of war is up next.

rob and I've been chatting all morning... it's so nice to talk to him.
and we always talk about the most random stuff...
he's promised to get me xbox live for a while if I get halo 2 & a decent net connection...
I'm supposed to be writing his story, since I know him so well... but all that comes to mind is "One day, the tall sexxxy brit got out of bed... ran a bath... then played halo 'till bedtime."
and I think that'd mostly be true.

as I said, my sleep schedule's starting out this week in more of a mess than usual...
and it's cold!
think it's 27 outside... maybe 35 or so in here.
ok... maybe I exaggerate, but not by much
/me brr

::: posted by tinafish at 2:38 PM :::

Thursday, February 16, 2006 :::

the best I ever had

I emailed BoB a couple of months ago, and he responded last night.
we're going to try to be friends.
both of us.

and I've asked around for people to remind me how difficult dating him was.
there's some good one's be pulled, ya'll.
it's a wonder we didn't kill each other.
thanks r00, amy & rob!

::: posted by tinafish at 7:07 PM :::

make the quiet louder v2

I had this big post typed out...
changed my mind.
don't think I want to talk about it after all.

rob's been especially fiesty the last couple of days.
on valentine's he'd said something like:
    rob: i love u
    rob: and i think i could live with u
    rob: but i wouldnt put up with ur shit
it made me laugh, 'cause he's a little turd... and yes, that's me impersonating his typing. lol
so that's what I meant by the title of that post.

and tooter, in a fit of rage, head-butted the chair next to me. then kicked it. then picked it up and almost through it...
'till gizmo shot him with some windex & he went running.
and now tooter's using one of the ceiling tiles as a shield...
guess at least some things are still the same here.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:37 PM :::

make the quiet louder

I lay in bed... waiting... but sleep will not come.
my mind is alive... awake and refusing to rest...
I sent BoB an email a couple of months ago... he responded tonight.

months ago, when I found out he was married... it is difficult to explain.
through everything I felt when my david and I split up, throughout it all,
there was this underlying feeling... the faith that I've always had that
someone out there does love me.
in my darkest night... after I'd lost even my faith in God... or maybe
this is how God truly exists?
the undercurrent in my life has always been that no matter what BoB will
always love me.
when he said those words... said he'd actually gone through with it...
saying I was shocked is an understatement.
I felt more alone than I'd ever been.
for the first time I truly understood what it is like to cry alone.
and I understood how he had felt when I told him about my david.

I bring this up not because I'm trying to undermine his new vows...
not even because I doubt the old ones still exist.
as he and I have always agreed - everything is forgivable.
I do still love him, and I believe that I will never stop.
only now I am beginning to understand what that really means.

to put someone else first.
to be the best friend I can, not because I want something in return, but
because implicit trust is a beautiful thing.
I sit here writing this and know I am wasting adrian's time.
he is a wonderful man - fiercely loyal and even tolerates my fits.
but I do not love him. not as I love my david. not as I love BoB.
while my thoughts for him are warm they are not passionate.
I wonder how much longer I will waste his time... if he will ever forgive
I drew up a contract while he only asked that I be honest.
my implied truths are unfair to him.
he is dear to me, and has a place in my heart.
I think sometimes that I could learn to love him, to truly ~love~ him.
he is a good man and deserves to be happy.
I am not sure I am the one to give it to him.
I failed my david. the effort I put in was not enough. I was too
selfish... or something else was wrong. I still don't know what went
wrong, only that something did. I am not the woman he needed me to be.
but I would give my happiness for his.

I would give my life for either of them, and in a way I have.
I sit here wallowing in self pity, while at the same time I try to do what I
think is best for both of them.
for david, I don't think I should ever see him again. on the one hand I
don't think I deserve to, and on the other I know he is better off with out
me. either way he is happier now, with those who stood by him all those
years. I was, after all, only his girlfriend.
with BoB, I think he too would be better off without me. only sometimes I
can still feel him, and I know something is not right. some confidence is
failing, some reserve not being met.
he has forgotten I love him.
so here I stand, simply to remind him. no other thoughts but being there
for him to lean on, as he was so often there for me to lean on.
after all, what are friends for?

meditation. prayer. finding your center.
whatever needs to be done to make the quiet louder.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:49 AM :::

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 :::

/me dancing around in underwear

it was suggested to try sftp instead of ftp
and it worked
so I'm stoked, 'cause while no one else cares about my archives, they are the reason I keep this thing.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:12 PM :::

pretty purple flowers

ok so like... I was all riled up (read upset, not stoked) 'cause I was almost positive adrian had ordered me some flowers.
now I love getting flowers. I think it's a great way to say hello, ya know?
I've always mostly despised getting flowers on valentine's. especially roses.
too cliche, imo. like I'm some cookie cutter girl with no defining characteristics.

I was right.
he ordered me flowers.
but when I opened the box...
the little note said 'blah blah to my favorite ninja' and that just made my day.
and the flowers, ya'll.
pretty purple flowers with a cute red vase.

blogger's been giving me hell.
for the last few months I've been unable to do a full publish of my blog (meaning the stuff that's already archived is not being updated with template changes)... apparently since november.
now I'm unable to update even the main archive for this february.
dunno wtf, but I'm seriously thinking of using something else.
any suggestions?

::: posted by tinafish at 3:25 PM :::

big business

so adrian and I watched big business last night...
it's ~super~ cute, ya'll.
and the girls reminded me of my sisters... made me a little homesick, since I used to watch that movie with them.
also struck me how comparable the movie is to my work situation...
big business the movie is great.
big business in general sucks ass.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:35 PM :::

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 :::

love is not a bad thing

hope all of you are having a happy valentine's day...
I will be up the rest of the evening gleefully playing god of war.

EDIT: I seem to have left out the cute little conv I was having with rob, so the title may not make too much sense.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:30 PM :::

Monday, February 13, 2006 :::

just another manic monday

work today has been nauseating.
and earlier, while trying to explain how spamcop works, I suddenly became very dizzy.
seriously - I almost dropped the phone & fell out of my chair.
my hands went all numb... and my fingers are still kinda cold.

gonna try to head out to 50th st caboose tonight...
if milkdud & sarah both head out there.
I think that'd be fun.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:17 PM :::

Friday, February 10, 2006 :::

peanut butter jelly time

I'm in a really good mood, mostly 'cause I've not slept much in the last few days.
almost everything's a blur... like I'm numb.
it's making taking calls quite... surreal.
almost calming, even.
maybe I should be sleep deprived more often?

my sis and I went out for ihop last night, and then stopped by walmart.
we spent 4 hours there.
4. hours.
can't complain too much... I did spend about half an hour lounging in one of those massage chairs while waiting for her.
also finally picked up another set of bookshelves, and I got a bag of socks too.
I <3 that new sock feeling

::: posted by tinafish at 1:07 PM :::

Thursday, February 09, 2006 :::

if I ever get out that way

drove back home at the end of that week
and we spent it all on pot
so I'll see you in houston

/me dancing around in underwear

::: posted by tinafish at 8:35 PM :::

it was an accident

work has been really busy these last couple of days...
so busy, in fact, that yesterday our phones went down for about an hour.
it's been a bit trying, but such is life.

so I'm sitting here on the phone with some man who is unable to grasp the concept of double clicking...
and I brought a sandwhich with me for brkfst... it's been busy so I didn't get to finish eating it.
being a bit frustrated, I decided to staple my sandwhich.
for whatever reason.
me, being the shining star that I am, managed to staple my thumb, instead.

it's still super busy, and now it hurts to type.
/me pouts

::: posted by tinafish at 4:10 PM :::

Wednesday, February 08, 2006 :::

lonely dreamer on a highway in the sky

I did not go out last night, after all.
I spent my evening with adrian... we went to subway, then home to watch some ds9.
he went home early, and I went to bed.

I woke up ~ 2300... bad dream.
I called adrian in a fit, talked a bit with him... couldn't go back to sleep, though.
I ended up reading rumble fish, and a bit of atlas shrugged.

adrian's a sweetheart.
dunno what I'd do without him.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:23 PM :::

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 :::

not sure I'd believe it

today is my david's birthday.
it occurred to me last night, while adrian and I were at b&n.
saw a book about tupac and it just clicked in my head.
hurts like hell.
even after all this time.
that's life, though, isn't it.

I want to hit the bar tonight... and I keep telling myself it's got nothing to do with him.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:36 AM :::

Monday, February 06, 2006 :::

realm of the undead

well my new work schedule has taken effect, and I'm sitting here in zombie mode.
I'm still mostly asleep, and I'm really thirsty.

this weekend was... interesting.
my sis organized a healing seminar this weekend, and asked adrian & I to attend.
we ended up skipping on friday night, but we did head out saturday.
it was... interesting.
my sis had some man she knows from back home fly in to lead it...
and he kept commanding the devil to come out of people.
forgive me, but I do not believe the devil causes rheumatoid arthritis.
I do believe in the power of prayer, though... but more in the sense that if the person you're praying for believes prayer will help then it will.
it did bring to light the fact that my sis spent several years church hopping; the service was blatantly not catholic.
now, I know catholics get a lot of grief... people saying that we're bored and such in mass. really I see it as being reverent...
other denominations, and I mean no disrespect, have always seemed too... light-hearted for me.
does that make any sense?
not that I feel like we should be sitting there morosely, but... respectfully.
/me shrug
may have something to do with catholics being more fire-and-brimstone than other denominations... well, depending who you ask, I guess. think lately the church has been trying to become more positive, but in general I think it's still mostly true.

that's mostly how my weekend went.
and if you're wondering how the excersizing is going...
it's quite awful, I tell you.
/me winks

::: posted by tinafish at 10:32 AM :::

Friday, February 03, 2006 :::

not exactly the updater

but at least I can see that he's doing well.
(and still good looking)

::: posted by tinafish at 12:12 PM :::

Thursday, February 02, 2006 :::

kama sutra

has been one of the sources of my troubles tonight.
one of many, believe me.
work has been extraordinarily busy tonight.

my sis is off tonight, so I think we're gonna stay up all night watch star trek and andromeda.
and tonight, my dear friends, I will start excersizing.
expect me to be grouchy and sore tomorrow.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:12 PM :::

Wednesday, February 01, 2006 :::

POE of DOOM!!!

(no, I didn't misspell pie, it stands for power over ethernet)

so like... I'm sitting here bored to tears (the tears were quite real, actually - let us all glare in milkdud's direction) when we get a call. milkdud says it's for me, so I answer...
"technical support this is tina"
and we talked for about half an hour about all sorts of random crap.
he's doing well, still in the valley (and yes, I did request a menu from kumori), and still being himself.
oh how I miss him.

and I got an im from someone else I know from back home - we'll call him siesta.
this is a bit of our conv:
[19:35:29] tina: I like to think
[19:35:36] tina: that if I really was interested in someone
[19:35:46] tina: I wouldn't let gender stop me from at least trying
[19:35:55] siesta: interesting quote
[19:36:02] siesta: you should blog about that
[19:36:19] tina: lol

so that's that.
adrian and I are gonna watch either razor blade smile (number 2 on my worst movies ever list) or hellion: devil's playground (another australian film) here after I get off work... and I'm starving, I tell you.
I had this madd stomach ache last night, but the death shuffle cured it.
/me giggles
looks to be an interesting night.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:24 PM :::