Wednesday, June 30, 2004 :::

1 hour and 40 minutes later...

yeah I just finished watching the keynote. I got a bit distracted, so I thought I'd mention how long it was (since I wasn't watching it for the last couple of hours).
Gawd it looks sexy.
The automator... *licks lips* I'm all for it.
Multi audio & video chat - very cool. *wishing for an isight*
That new finder Spotlight... very ~very~ cool. It'll even search images for words. How cool is that?
What else...
No telling. All this not sleeping isn't going over too well.

I'm kinda peeved right now. I have been unable to get my itrip to function properly, so I wiped my ipod and am in the process of syncing my songs (what I'm doing right this second) and then my address book & calendar, then my movie showtimes, etc. Except it's taking ~forever~ and a day!
On the one hand it's been syncing for the last... half hour!
I've got ~ 4300 songs... divided by 60 (as in 60 seconds per minute) and that's over 70 minutes!
but still that's a song a second... but still.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:05 PM :::

wtf would I do w/ a 30 inch 2560x1600 w/ 100ppi display?

and yet, I am drooling over it.
I'm betting that'll raise the cost of my dream system. I'm gonna c&v the specs again in a bit.

still haven't been able to sleep...
I'm watching the wwdc keynote.
I want a minicoupe now more than ever. I could finally ~use~ my ipod in my car!

dual dual link gforce graphic card from nvidia allows for dual monitors... 8.2 MILLION PIXELS!!!
Orgasmic, yet... a bit much.

ooh... this spotlight thing is ~very~ cool.
and safari rss! w00t! maybe I won't be shelling out any cash for an rss reader after all. And it supports atom!
Oh wait... that's not exactly what I was looking for. hm. *disappointed*
You know this blog is available as rss. check it.
Oh wait this may be what I'm looking for... kinda... but not really. I can group my rss feeds in my bookmarks bar & then open in tabs... but still not quite as nice as the feeder I'm using right now. The trial period is almost over, so I won't have it too much longer.

Hm... gonna go watch a baseball game w/ some of the guys... guess I'll finish the keynote later.
but here's the specs on my new dream machine:
� Dual 2.5GHz PowerPC G5
� 8GB DDR400 SDRAM (PC3200) - 8x1GB
� 2x250GB Serial ATA - 7200rpm
� NVIDIA GeForce 6800 Ultra DDL
� Apple Cinema HD Display (30" flat panel)
� Apple Cinema HD Display (30" flat panel)
� AirPort Extreme Card
� Bluetooth Module
� 56k V.92 modem
� 8x SuperDrive (DVD-R/CD-RW)
� PCI-X Gigabit Ethernet Card
� Bluetooth Module + Apple Wireless Keyboard & Mouse - U.S. English
� Mac OS X - U.S. English
� Final Cut Express 2 preinstalled
� Keynote preinstalled
� iPod - 40GB
� iSight
� Logitech Z-680 THX 5.1 Speakers & Monster 2-meter Cable
� AirPort Extreme Base Station (with modem and antenna port)
� APP for Power Mac (w/ or w/o display) - Enrollment Kit
Subtotal $17,087.95

I need a napkin.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:17 PM :::

CORRECTION: there will be no retro-blogging

David tucked me in... called me his little burrito... hasn't said that in months. I couldn't sleep though. So here I am, awake at such an ungodly hour.
I try to keep things I write in here up to date, and while I have a few things i wanted to blog about yesterday I didn't actually get to do it. Late last night (or early this morning) when david and I got back from the movie I decided I was going to blog now and post it like it was written yesterday. I think that'd be cheating myself of the little help this blog is to me. Honestly it's not much help anymore... my friends have really been stepping up to the plate as of late. And that's a wonderful experience.
I've actually been awake for the last half hour or so... I've not really been sleeping well these last few nights. Ever since david and I first started fighting back a couple of months ago my sleep has been affected. Most of the time, when I would get a good run of sleep... since we go to bed ~ 0200 or later every night I would sleep about 12 hours and get up @ ~ 1400. But when we started fighting we'd still go to bed just as late, only I kept waking up @ ~ 1030. Weird, huh. Now since the fighting has gotten more serious, it would seem so has my secret wage against oversleeping. Monday I woke up ~ 0900. Yesterday and today I've gotten up @ ~ 0830. And it's more than me just rolling over in bed and waking up. I am having nightmares.
My dreams have been about me, david, and time travel. Well there are other parts of the dreams that come and go, but so far that has been the one consistent thing. Oh wait. Each dream also involves failure on my part. I can't seem to get the time machine to work properly, so I can't go back in time and help him change the choices he's made. I keep over- or under-shooting, from one dream where I sent us back to the time of the dinosaurs to one dream where a friend of mine from the future was trying to help me finish my life's work.
It's really depressing. I feel like my efforts on the time machine are a metaphor for the amount of effort I've put into this failed relationship. Like no matter how hard I keep trying I can't seem to get all my figures right. And no matter how close I get, I'm still not making it happen.
I have failed. And each night my subconscious is bombarding me with reminders that I have failed. I can honestly say I have ~never~ tried so hard to make something work in my life. And I know that maybe I've got absurd expectations, but dammit this is what I need from him, and he's not meeting me there.
And part of me is afraid. I feel like the more time passes the more willing I am to forgive and forget these expectations I have. And I am afraid that I will cave in this aspect, much like I have caved in every other aspect of our relationship.
I am tired of giving. of making compromises. of him not meeting me halfway.
This is gonna sound ridiculous, but the one thing that keep coming to mind is that once scene in First Contact, where Picard is talking to Lily about how he refuses to give way to the Borg anymore.
"I will not sacrifice The Enterprise. We've made too many compromises already, too many retreats. They invade our space, and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no farther! And I will make them pay for what they've done!"
Ok... maybe not the first and last lines, but that's the scene I'm talking about. That part where Lily's accusing him of being like Captain Ahab.
I feel like I have given and compromised and sacrificed... and I am tired. I am tired of crying every day, of him not even knowing how much the choices he's made are tearing me up inside... of him caring more about everyone else... of him not even knowing what I need.
David says he has tried, and that I am the one not meeting him... but he does not know the person I used to be. Or how difficult I really have been with other guys in the past.
It's laughable, really - the effort he has put into "us" seems negligable.
To him, that may be all he can offer. And realistically it's selfish of me to want more.
But I am a selfish person.
A selfish person who can say nothing more about this due to the wonderful censoring I'm doing.
To keep from stepping on people's toes.

Yesterday I went to see Farenheit 9/11 with my friend Javier. I got lost on my way to the theatre, but in my defense it's a theatre I've only been to once before, and I've never driven there. And also with all the construction going on I had to circle around twice to even get on the right road. David seemed a little taken that I elected to see it without him, but our political views are so different... the movie's not necessarily anti-bush (there's loads of bashing aside from bush) but it's distinctly anti-war. And I am anti-war. David is not. Anyhow... I saw it with Javier, who's more of an anarchist hippy (lol - if you're reading this don't kill me), and who's anti-war. Ok. So like I was saying. Got lost on the way to the theater... had to circle around... ended up getting there late... ok... I spent some time on the phone before getting in the shower... but in my defense I was ready in 20 mins... but I had to coax lucky into the kitchen w/ a trail of fries... also I helped a friend out w/ a serious problem - he couldn't find the trailer for alien vs predator. lol. I'm still not sure why he came to me for help, but I did find it for him. right... Got there late so the lights were already dim and we couldn't see a thing. There was a pack of about 7 of us standing in the back craning our necks around looking for seats... I ended up sitting in the very back row next to the empty space for a handicapped person and javier sat on the floor in the aisle right next to me. (I think he may have had a better seat than me - lol) All in all I liked the movie... it made some parallels I had already seen, and a few I had not. There was this one shot of this woman who was crying... she was really loosing control... and the camera guy just kept filming. I thought it was kinda barbaric of him to not even offer her a shoulder (she lost her son in the war). Also... there's a shot where a woman's speaking some other language and they translated Allah to God. I thought that was a nice touch, since most people don't really make the association that Allah is just another word for God. I've noticed most people think it's a "different" God. Whatever that means.
A couple of my friends were kind of alarmed that I was going to see such a controversial film in my current state. I thought it might put things in perspective for me, so I was all for it. I mean, I've got a lot going for me compared to some toasted guy who's being hung from a bridge, or than some guy who's gone and been beheaded. I know that sounds really sadistic, but that's not what I'm getting at. It just helps me a bit to realize that even though I feel like I have nothing going for me, I still have my life. And I still have the chance to turn things around.
After the movie I came home... walked the dogs... and waited for david to get home so I could share that jello I made the day before. I've got pics of it... and of me with it... and stuff... but with all the talk of pictures I'm not much in the mood to talk about ~any~ pictures anymore.
We were watching law and order... or something... some show like that... they made a move that involved something in the patriot act... david and I... that's another thing we don't agree on. heh.
He went to study after that. My friend Lus called and we decided to meet in a while for coffee. In the meantime I watched Outback Jack and took the dogs for another walk.
We went to denny's for about an hour. He had a party to attend at the hospital (I opted out) and I had to meet david to go see spiderman. Lus made some interesting points... he's got a really different point of view than I do. It's really refreshing to hear his thoughts on certain aspects of things. He's a really great guy.
David and I got to the movie about half an hour early. It was surprisingly packed for being so late at night, but it was a "sneak preview" so I guess all is fair. They showed a preview for catwoman, which looks like it's gonna be rather silly. But there's that one scene where she falls off the second floor of a room and lands on her hands and feet. I'd see the whole movie just to see that. It's a nice little touch that I would have expected them not to include. heh. Anyway.. Spiderman 2 was really good. I can be a real critic sometimes, but I really did try to just sit back and enjoy the movie. There were times when I caught myself thinking "well that's a bit much," but I tried to push that out of my mind and enjoy the assault on my senses. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, I'm not gonna give anything away, but I will say my favorite scene is the big fight sequence on the train. I actually sat there and smiled as they carried him to the back of the train car. I especially liked how spiderman's suit tears from all the strain... I thought that was a very... powerful suggestion. I didn't like the ending, though. That's likely just to be my general mood right now, more than any fault of the movie.
I didn't eat anything yesterday save for the jello I had @ ~ 1830 or so. I've been drinking lots of water.
I haven't been hungry... or I haven't wanted to eat... or something. I had some popcorn at the movie theatre. I dunno... I don't feel like it's my place to be asking david to feed me. Or asking anyone to feed me. I wish I had some source of income.
David stopped by whataburger on our way home from the movie. I kept saying I wasn't hungry, but he wouldn't have it. When we got home I gulfed it down... I hadn't realized how long it'd been since I'd eaten. It was about 0400 when we even got to bed, and my stomach started cramping and such from eating so much food so quickly after not eating anything for so long. That, on top of my wonderful time traveling nightmares, did not allow me to sleep well.
Maybe now that I have vented some I will be able to sleep without torturing myself over the changes I'm not willing to make.
Some things are worth keeping, and I will keep my self-respect.
No matter how many dreams I have.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:56 AM :::

there will be retro-blogging

this blog is actually written before the posts from yesterday.
I hadn't gotten around to it (blogging) really, since I actually left the house today.

Saw Farenheit 9/11 with my friend Javier.
Had "coffee" (turned into coffee for him and juice for me) w/ my friend Lus at Denny's. *cringing*
Saw SpiderMan 2 @ ~ 0030 w/ david.

This whole situation's really awkward... but in efforts to continue the wonderful censorship of this blog I won't.

Ok. I'm gonna eat the food David got me before I go to bed.
I'm ~really~ tired from waking up at such ungodly hours lately, and I'm not getting to bed any earlier than usual.
Anyhow. Must eat this food.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:38 AM :::

Monday, June 28, 2004 :::

can't believe this

I feel so awful... and I don't have any close friends in this part of the state that are currently available...
I just called my old boss.

He's a great guy.
He's always looked out for me... he's real protective of me too. Treats me like one of his kids.
Except that he's always trying to hook me up with his son... guess that'd be kinda gross if he was my dad.
But he really cares about me and I've always been able to talk to him.

it's raining outside.
just like inside.

I hate my life.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:01 PM :::

the end of an era...

So here's a pic of me w/ glasses... I made a whole album of pics of me & david.
we've come to an understanding that will hopefully make the rest of the time we spend together go a lot smoother.
we both just wanted different things.

and this is my favorite picture of david:

I'd like to thank all of you who've been there for me... who've been a shoulder to cry on. I appreciate everything you've done for me.
there is nothing left to say.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:09 PM :::

Sunday, June 27, 2004 :::

Khan's Delight

mmmmmm this is some good tea!
hibiscus, lemon grass, mint, and other fine herbs...
this is good stuff, though.
Complicated story about why I chose this flavor today. I've never had it before. I had been aiming for tibetan raspberry, but they were out. They were also out of the strawberry flavor (I forget the name) that I get sometimes. And I'm just not much for cold earl grey, so I went out on a limb and tryed Khan's Delight. And yes... I admit... I chose it 'cause of the name.

So as you might have guessed, I'm here at Aromas w/ David.
He's studying... he's got his stats final sometime next week.
He gets paid sometime next week too, so he's gonna buy me a Garden Claw!
I'm gonna be a gardening machine! w00t!

Ok what else? I officially linked to jinx (see button on the left) so I've qualified for a free 8x2 inch sticker. I can't decide which one to get, though. I do wanna get this frag the weak, hurdle the dead poster for my room at the new place. Along w/ that chair I mentioned earlier, and a beanbag chair... and an xbox. lol.
a girl can dream, can't she?
So ahh yes, I've officially linked to jinx. I just checked my ranking, and I'm about midway down the list. Pretty good, if you ask me.

I'm gonna proofread david's research paper in a few... I dunno how to go about this. I mean, I want him to end up with a good grade overall, but I also don't wanna completely butcher his paper. lol. Gawd that came out wrong. I just don't wanna be too hard on his paper. I mean, it's for a stats class, ya know?
And bad grammar is one of my pet peeves. I know, you couldn't tell from the grammar I use on this thing... but seriously I can't stand it when people use bad grammar and/or have misspelled words on work they intend to be taken seriously.

I'm gonna sit here and enjoy my tea. possibly read a star trek book. no telling.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:38 PM :::

.oO(I love pulpy orange juice)

I really do.
*british accent*
It's fantabulous!
*close british accent*
.oO(does anyone even get these references I'm making?)
Another prize to the first person who can guess these references!
Speaking of prizes... I did the whole Enter the Gate Sweepstakes. Gawd that'd be ~awesome~!!!!

s'okie. I'm madd sore. Like, my traps are aching and that bump in my leg is still throbbing. I painted the entire bathroom and bits of other rooms, so my entire upper body isn't having it's finest moment. And the bump in my leg. It's on my shin... I was kicking at David and he blocked w/ his foot... it was a flashback to back when I lived in the valley... this d00d I used to train with.. Tim... he used to block my kicks like that. I'd always end up all bruised up and down my legs (mostly btwn my knees and ankles).
So anyway. I'm awful sore. I just got outta the shower. It felt ~so~ good w/ the hot water on my shoulders. Now that I'm out it's back to the numbness/slight pain.

So I'm watching Ferris Bueller's Day Out... or whatever... It reminded me of this one time my friend Mon and I were skipping class... we were heading out for lunch or something. lol. Mon never was much of a risk taker, and more power to him for that. He's got his act all worked out while I'm down here jacking around. *sigh* Anyway. We were taking off but the bus drivers/hall monitors/kitchen staff/mechanics (our bus drivers were multi-talented. lol!) had gated off both exits of the parking lot, so I drove up over the curb onto the grass and outta the school! It was so much fun.
Gawd I miss high school. Things were so different back then.
better, even.

Well it's late and I'm beat. I've already walked the dogs, so all that's left is for me to finish my orgasmic orange juice and head to bed.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:01 AM :::

Saturday, June 26, 2004 :::

I love this chair

*british accent*
oh how I long for a bungalow!
*end british accent*
lol. I don't even know if that's spelled correctly!

but yes - I ~love~ this chair!!!

::: posted by tinafish at 10:36 PM :::

we better join the club...

pretty much everyone in the new neighborhood has bars on their windows.
David better join the club.

We just got back from working on the house. Lots of work.
Gawd I'm tired.
I need a shower and then a nap.
I'm so tired, though... but I ~need~ a shower.

The place is still crap, though. He needs to get one of those high pressure water gun thingies to clean the house.
And I want a garden claw. The yards (front & back) need some ~serious~ work.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:10 PM :::

Friday, June 25, 2004 :::


well I didn't get the job that would've been cake.
I really would've loved to work there.

I just woke up. Apparently being interviewed really takes a lot out of me. I fell asleep as soon as I got back (well, after I got off the phone) 'till just a few mins ago I woke up.

I'm so sad.
That job would've been cake.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:11 PM :::

that's gotta be a record or something

the interview only lasted about 10 minutes... and mostly it was just her asking me questions, like how I handle stress and other stuff like that.
I think I did a lot better than I did in the interview I had w/ reese, but I still don't think it was as strong as my first interview w/ umc.

So anyway. I'm hungry.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:53 AM :::


I'm so nervous! I have a few more mins before I need to leave for my interview.
I'm ~so~ nervous.
This is unbelievable!

And to top it off, I've got a stye!

well, I don't need to be there 'till 1000, but if I keep hanging out here I'm liable to get myself so worked up I'll end up vomiting... or something.
I'm listening to Rammstein right now... heh. dunno if that'll help or hurt me.

Ok. I'm gonna wait another 3 minutes, then I'm heading out there.
*crossing fingers*

::: posted by tinafish at 9:06 AM :::

Thursday, June 24, 2004 :::

I can't wait for the new season!

gawd. another episode of stargate... that I have already seen.
I dunno where david is. Guess he's out studying or something.
So I'm sitting here bored, as usual.

I wish I had pouty lips. That'd be cool.
Very attractive.

Some chick messaged me on yahoo. She's married.
Interesting girl.

Squish is laying on the back of the couch, like he does...
He's such a cutie.

I spent a good while this afternoon updating my address book. For the most part I've gotten all my email addrss from msn & yahoo imported. Now I need to go through and add all my phone numbers.
Oh! I've set up this thing... to remind me of people's birthday. So if you didn't get an email from me, feel free to just send me an email w/ your special day.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:10 PM :::

tempt me, push me...

and a prize to the first person who can name that tune!
I've been sitting here trying to decide what to blog and what not to blog.
There's so much going on in my life right now.
at least I have made some big decisions about what I'm gonna do with my life, and how I'm gonna go about doing it.
So that's a good thing.
Also, I'm gonna join AJ's adult youth group thingy. Well it's not aj's, but it's at his church.

And now that I've decided what I'm going to do... well... it's like the chip on my shoulder is gone.
I'm now able to not even be phased by the things that normally would've had me steaming.
It's quite liberating.
I'm not sure david knows how to take it.
no matter, though.

Ahh yes the job interview.
I choked.
They asked simple questions, like, "are you comfortable working with computers?" And I was like, "yes, I have a mac." Like that means I know how to work w/ computers! *grr* And instead of listing apps I can use, gawd... I was like... yeah, I can use... word... and that's all I said!
And yeah... gawd. That job would be cake! CAKE! *grr* Only M-F, 8-5, awesome benefits, paid Holidays! Cake, I tell you! And when they asked me what I thought of the job, I said "it sounds interesting." I should've been like, "Sounds Groovy!" or something... but all I could think the whole interview was that the job would be cake. And I certainly didn't wanna say that out loud. But gawd I would ~love~ that job.
I don't think they're going to call me. I'm pretty sure they were probably looking for someone older than me. And like I said, I don't feel good about the interview at all.

On the other hand, I got a call for an interview on Friday. It's in a hospital environment, so Godwilling I won't goof on this interview too.
I spent about 45 mins earlier trying to find out what position I had applied for w/ this company... took aaaaaages but I finally figured it out.
It's part of umc again... which is odd. Dunno if I mentioned this but I got a letter in the mail from umc saying something about me not meeting their prescreening requirements... which is weird 'cause I already had that other interview there. And now I've got another interview there. Weird.

I talked with lus a lot about the whole peace corps thing. I really wanna do it, and it would seem he really wants to do it.
If I get a job and have any money left over from school I'm gonna take a flight out to San Diego for a weekend or something. And I'd also like to spend a week or so in Houston. Lord knows if I had the money I'd be there right now.
And I ~really~ wanna go through with the whole traveling the world bit I was raving about a while back.
I think it'd be really good for me to spend some time alone... to find myself. After all that's happened these last few months... I need to decide where I stand as a person, and what I really want out of "life".

::: posted by tinafish at 11:32 AM :::

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 :::

it all seems so trivial, yet it is my life.

Lus and I went out for lunch, to this place called.... I don't remember what it's called, but they serve ribs.
We were chatting with the manager for a bit when he revealed something absurdly personal, and he said it in just a matter-of-fact way.
It makes all my troubles seem so small.

(I was gonna look up the news article about the manager's son, but I can't seem to get safari to work with me right now.)
(also, I was gonna link to a news article about covenant, too)

I'm so full from lunch... must take a nappies.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:31 PM :::

"remorseless sinner"

lol. That taken from the conv I'm having w/ my buddy Lus here at Aromas.

I feel awful about the interview... hence me not wanting to go home.
I honestly felt better about the interview at umc than I feel about this interview.

Anyhow... will write more later.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:06 PM :::

Tuesday, June 22, 2004 :::

so I've been filing my nails...

I'm really anxious about this job interview.
I've had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach... like no matter what I do I'm screwed.
I mean, what I've been doing is obviously ~not~ working - and all I've been doing is being myself.
So then should I try to be someone I'm not? and even if that were to get me a job or whatever... I sure won't be able to keep it.
And I do need a job.

I'm watching outback jack. This is the first episode and one of these city slickers already got hauled off to a hospital.
OMG this chick is SINGING TO HIM!
But how awesome would it be to get to be dropped in the middle of australia with someone who could teach me to survive.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:33 PM :::

I always feel better in the morning..

I feel better.
It's a good day.
Someone called about a job interview. So now I get to go shopping for a pair of shoes. Only I have a cut on my right foot, right where my big toe connects to my foot.

Yesterday was a long day.
I was looking for printer paper... from now on I'm just gonna buy my own damn printer paper and keep it on the filing cabinet with the printer.
Went out "job hunting" w/ a friend... ended up only getting out to Reese to turn in some fin aid stuff.
Had lunch/dinner at Picantes... I nearly choked when I accidently inhaled a piece of meat since I was ragging on how neat Javier was eating his tacos (I was having chalupas, and wearing them too). And I had an ORCHATA!!!!!! mmmmmmm...
Went to Shrimp Galley w/ my family for Father's Day. It was not half an hour after I'd eaten at Picantes when I was scarfing down shrimp and key lime pie.
Took my sis and neice and nephew out to see the house... they all think it's absolute crap too. In fact, we were pretty scared of getting caught over there after dark, so we all high-tailed it outta there.

Stuff happened.
My support network is crap. David didn't realize how bad a day I'd had 'till he showed up at the undecent hour he gets home every night.
I talked to Cesar last night. I'd really wanted to see him last night... he's out living in his life in San Diego. I'm so happy for him.
I really just wanted to spend some time with someone who has seen my... darker side. He and I dated aaaaaages ago, but he's a great guy... and he cares about me. And I don't have to doll up my life for him.
And let me tell you something - not having to dress up my life for someone may be the most intimate thing I've ever done.
BoB and I talked for a couple of hours yesterday too. He's lived my life with me, so Lord knows I don't have to dress things up for him. In fact, some days he points out things that I've forgotten about... it's weird.
He was talking about how the only title he can give himself (in regards to me) is "the ex" since we are not "friends." Honestly, though... I think sometimes... even after all these years... he still doesn't realize how huge a part of my life he was. is. And as my ex, he knows more about me... than most anyone.
Nicc was there for me too. I had not been able to stop crying for a few hours... and he was there. We both are.. having difficult times right now. That last entry is literally C&Ved out of the conv he and I were having last night. He's been there... and these nights do keep getting longer and longer.
David and I got into it last night too.
Bless him... but each day that passes...
It's like one of those magic 8-balls... outlook not good... or something.

On a lighter note... and ~completely~ unrelated... I am the number one and number two top spots when googling for "tina wina"
Also.. what is up w/ different parts of the same state being in a different time zone?

::: posted by tinafish at 10:34 AM :::

Forces of Nature

today would be a fine day to go

but for the tangled web we weave

or something

as I sat on the kitchen floor

staring at the reflection in the oven's glass

the world tinted black

seemingly just for me

like the first glimpse at the true world I have been living in...

::: posted by tinafish at 3:30 AM :::

Monday, June 21, 2004 :::

the joys of censoring

I censor what I say on here... so this is not the outlet it used to be.

this blog serves no purpose anymore.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:31 PM :::

blame blogger

Blogger was giving me hell all weekend, so blame blogger for the lack of updates, not me.

With that said, I had a ~very~ busy weekend.

Friday evening:
ok I have no recollection of what happened friday evening.
UPDATE: I just talked to nicc, by best net bud by far, and he reminded me that David worked late on the servers so I was at home apparently fussing. lol.
Oh right! Also... when david got home we rented Pulp Fiction, and... I'd been aching for an Angus Beef Burger from Burger King... so we went and got one. EEEK!!! Like... it did ~not~ sit well w/ my stomach. I was up all night w/ um... lol. Now that it comes down to it, let's just say I was up all night making trips to the bathroom. When I realized this was going to be happening for a while I tried to drink a glass of water after each trip to the bathroom. But ya know what? I just wasn't that thirsty. So I ended up having a glass of water every 3 or 4 trips. And believe me, I was up ~all~ night.

Went to the house to work on it. I patched holes... David painted. It's coming around already. Also, I was too lazy to post these individually, but here are the pics from the house. Fixing the House. Oh, um... start at the bottom and scroll up.
What else?
Oh yes. Well, at the house we were all working... and sweating. All I had to drink was some of my soda that came w/ the combo david's mom had gotten us from sonic. I usually don't finish all my soda, and david usually finishes all of his... so I'm in the habit of leaving what I didn't drink for him if he wants it.
Remind me to stop doing that.
So all I had to drink was maybe a quarter of my soda.
When we finally got home my hands felt like they were on fire, I was aching all over - so badly that it actually hurt to lay on the couch. I had constant dry mouth, no matter what I was drinking... so what I was guessing was mild heat exhaustion.
David's such a sweetheart. He kept getting me water and stayed here 'till I was feeling well enough to sleep.
It was weird though. This one time when I was at gymnastics I was going through some mild heat exhaustion... my muscles did not want me to keep tumbling... it wasn't anywhere near as bad as what I went through Saturday night.

I slept in. David went over to the house and painted some more. Then he studied.
He came home for lunch and we watched about an hour of Frequency together, before he had to run off to study some more.
We bowled last night, as usual. A couple of new people showed up; we're getting to be a pretty large group.
I'm guessing I wasn't completely over Saturday night's episode, 'cause my little 8 lb ball sure seemed heavier than usual. And my forearm was ~very~ tired by the end of the night.
When we got home I was all achy... I took some bayer and drank 4 glasses of water before bed. I'm guessing I was only in bed for half an hour or so when I woke up sweating and needing to use the toilet.
I was then starving, so I ate the rest of my pizza and drank a couple more glasses of water.

Today: Well, I woke up really early and have just been sitting here listening to NIN for the last couple of hours. Fancy that.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:51 AM :::

Friday, June 18, 2004 :::

cleanliness is closer to or something...

I was trying to quote that line from Change of Habit but I can't really remember it...

anyway. We did some major cleaning last night.
I cleaned the kitchen...
david steam vacced the living room & dining area.
then we got in a fight about cleaning the coffeetable. *rolling eyes*

Oh! And I was so mad!
I've been wanting this prog called candybar... but after all the cleaning we did last night, and since david did most of it... I thought I'd be crazy awesome and buy dinner! So I spent ~ $10 at wendy's buying us burgers.
Then I got back, realized how much I really wanted candy bar (which goes for $12) and I wanted to kick myself.

I've been chaning some of my icons, and also dloading more widgets.

oh and guys are pathetic, btw. I'd C&V the conv, but it was so gooey I just closed the window.

mmmm...... pops.......

::: posted by tinafish at 2:55 PM :::

Thursday, June 17, 2004 :::

more prednisone

well I took squish to the vet yesterday... He was running a fever on top of the bumps and being red. So they gave him one shot for his fever and one shot for his allergies, plus more prednisone for me to give him, and to keep giving him that hydrocortisone.
He's looking better today.
His doctor's visit cost ~ $70 or so, and since david paid my phone bill I didn't want to have him pay for that too. So I used my debit card as a credit card and went home to get the $100 my sis was giving me. When I got back home no one was there... and I dug around my room and couldn't find the cash where my sis said she had left it. Since I'd already paid for the visit I was beginning to wig out since I didn't have that much money in my checking acct. I figured she'd just forgotten to put the money where she said she had, so I called her on my way back to david's. She was very adamant about where she had left it... but the kids had been in my bedroom (you know how you can feel when someone's been looking at your stuff) and I mentioned that. In my family, when someone's been in your room it's up to you to decide how to punish them. If the door is closed that means don't go in, ya know? Now I get along really well with my neice, and I figured she was probably just in my room looking for polish or makeup or something, which is fine. So I was just gonna let it slide. But then Gloria says she's gonna call Sandra and see what's going on. A few mins later Gloria calls me back saying the money was in a jewelry box on the headboard of Sandra's bed. eek. When it was just Sandra being in my room it was up to me to decide how to deal with it.... but now that we knew the kid had taken something... now that's Gloria's jurisdiction. *sigh*
So David took me back to my sis's to get the money. Neither of us said much.
We went to walmart last night... and it was awful. Things were still really tense, and I know how much david hates to take me shopping w/ him 'cause of all the crap I always wanna buy. So I tried to stay back and just mind my own business, since the only reason I was there was to buy 3 things that had nothing to do with anything he was there to buy - milk.
He kept offering to buy me something sweet - it would seem most times we go to buy groceries I end up w/ twinkies or ice cream or a cake or something sweet. But I can't afford to splurge like that so I kept saying no; I've already cost him enough.
But on the way out I couldn't help myself. I grabbed a cheap little pie. Only a couple of dollars.
Then he wouldn't let me pay for anything. And he tried to buy me a soda too. Weird.
Then we left. And he stopped at krispy kreme... for doughnuts for me. It was just a little gesture... but I started to cry.
Also we saw the kids and their babysitter at krispy kreme. We all lined up for the free donuts. lol.
Then another silent ride home.
He was gonna make dinner - tuna helper. I got caught up in watching tv and he was on the phone when I went to get some juice... I dunno. I guess I just forgot that we'd been on the rocks all week. I could tell he was talking about the house to his friend F3, so I grabbed the phone to tell F3 that the house is crap.
And just like that things went back to normal.
He smiled at me... and then I grabbed the box of doughnuts. I ate a couple and then had to take over the whole tuna helper thing 'cause david can't multi-task (phone & cook). Actually I don't think he can follow directions. lol.
When it was ready I ate half and david ate less than his half.
Plus I'd had 4 donuts.
I hadn't eaten 'till I was full in aaaaages.
I was full and was in bed by 2300.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:23 AM :::

Wednesday, June 16, 2004 :::


::: posted by tinafish at 8:13 AM :::

Tuesday, June 15, 2004 :::

I have nothing interesting to say

nicc and I looked for jobs for me online this afternoon... I applied for like 6 jobs.

David and I... are not getting along right now.

Squishy is still being allergic to something... and I can't afford to take him to the vet. David gave me one of his credit cards to charge the doctor's visit... but I'm not sure what to do.

Sprint called me today... some woman w/ a really heavy spanish accent told me that unless I made a $100 payment my phone service will be interrupted.
I don't have a hundred dollars.

I'm going to levelland tomorrow w/ aj to turn in the rest of my financial aid stuff.
He's gonna pick me up @ ~ 0800. Christ.

I slept on the couch last night and woke up absurdly early this morning.
Maybe I'll do that again tonight.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:01 PM :::

Mis Ojos, by Man�

Mis Ojos

gracias a Dios
que me di� mis ojos
que me di� mi boca
que me di� toda mi piel

tengo dos piernas
para recorrer el mundo
por los mares m�s profundos
para llegar hasta ti

gracias al cielo
no olvido ponerme nada
tengo pies, tengo mi espalda
y tambi�n mi coraz�n

tengo dos manos
para recorrer tus muslos
tus colinas, tu cintura
para tocarte la piel

soledad me estas matando
me duele la piel por no tocarte
regresa que me estoy muriendo
de que me sirven mis ojos
si no te pueden ver

no te pueden ver
no te pueden ver, mis ojos
no te pueden ver

no te pueden ver
no te pueden ver, mis ojos
no te pueden ver

ay mis ojos, mis ojos
no te pueden ver, no no no no no no
no te pueden ver

tengo dos ojos
los que ven el universo
los que lloran por tu ausencia
y te buscan sin parar

soledad me estas matando
me duele la piel por no tocarte
regresa que me estoy muriendo
de que me sirven mis ojos
si no te pueden ver

no te pueden ver
no te pueden ver, mis ojos
no te pueden ver

no te pueden ver
no te pueden ver, mis ojos
no te pueden ver

no te pueden ver
no te pueden ver, mis ojos
no te pueden ver

no no no no no
no te pueden ver
no te pueden ver, mis ojos
no te pueden ver

ah oh ah oh

::: posted by tinafish at 3:03 AM :::

Monday, June 14, 2004 :::

I'm such a horrible mom

the vet closes an hour before I thought it did.
Gonna take the squish first thing in the morning - at an hour that I'm usually not even awake at.

I finally found his leftover prednisone, back in the corner behind the toaster oven.
I looked all over his his topical ointment but I couldn't find it.
David found it as soon as he opened the cabinet.

So anyway... food's here.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:55 PM :::

Squishy is sick (again)!

his little snout is all swollen to where he looks more like a st. bernard than himself.
And his little bald spot on his shoulder is all swollen and inflamed.
He's got bumps all over his little body.

I'm so concerned.

I wish I could afford to take him to the vet.
I gave him some benadryl to hopefully get rid of the swelling, but so far all it's done is put him to sleep.

I took a pic of him for david (check my moblog for a pic of my poor little puppy).
As long as he's not having any trouble breathing I'm not gonna take him to the vet.
David said if he doesn't get better he'll take him.
which is good news. I can't afford the bill, but I'm not gonna let my little man die 'cause of allergies... or whatever's causing this.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:55 PM :::

I've decided...

instead of taking a pic of some gorgeous girl and hanging it on the fridge I'm just gonna grab a pair of old shorts and a shirt and hang them on the wall.

See I've never wanted to look like someone else. I'd always been fairly happy with my appearance...
Not that I was that great, but I mean... I was comfy with my body. Happy with it (for the most part).
I need to get back to that.

In light of this revelation, I'm also going to approach the whole working out thing a bit differently.
Or rather, I'm gonna get back to my roots.
Instead of jumping around doing some workout video, I'm just gonna take some time to condition.
I know I'm nowhere near the shape I was in back when I was still tumbling, but it's what I'm used to, and it's something I know I can accomplish.
And I've conditioned these muscle groups for so many years that at least I won't get bored doing the same thing over and over again day after day.

And to keep me motivated I'm going to add a template to my blog posts - a place for the name of the exercise and how many reps I did.
Since I blog pretty much every day it'll remind me to get my bum off the couch and condition!

So now I'm all set! I'm gonna add the template now, and in the morning (or whatever) first thing I'm gonna do is grab that pair of shorts and that shirt (I already know exactly which ones) and tack them to the wall.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:13 AM :::

Sunday, June 13, 2004 :::


ok so here's the deal...

All you guys that read this... ok so like... I'm not just talking about guys as in males just guys as in the generic term... girls too, ok?

Anyhow. Here's the deal.
I need a goal - somewhere I need to be headed.
I've already tried just working out and it's not working... so like... help me get motivated to lose some of my fluff.

Leave a comment for me:

Who's got the best body?
(as in chicks)

::: posted by tinafish at 11:23 PM :::


I feel awful.
My back hurts, my stomach hurts, my arms and legs are tired, I feel like I'm gonna vomit...
Just in general I feel awful.
I woke up feeling awful.

We had wendy's for lunch - so if I start vomiting at least it'll be a while before the dry heaves kick in.

I was trying to make tea but the... I can't remember what it's called... the pan thing... it was dirty.
David washed it for me.
Then I was trying to open the package of cinnamon sticks but I couldn't.
David opened it for me.
I kept having to get up from the couch to go check on it when david wrapped me in a blanket and put a pillow under my head.
David checked on it for me.
When it was done I got up and was trying to pour some tea into a coffee mug but my hands were shaking.
David poured it for me.
After adding sugar I was going to bring it to the couch from the kitchen but the gate was up (to keep squish in the kitchen) and I almost fell.
David brought it to the couch for me.
I forgot to take some aspirin so I went back to get it, only I couldn't get the paper backing off the individual wrapper thingy.
David peeled it for me.

He's being so nice.

I wish there was something I could do for him.
I was willing to go bowling tonight even though I feel disgusting, but he's gotta study for a test.

I was watching robocop 3 earlier.... and now I'm watching supercop.
It's pretty cheesy.
I'd rather be taking a nap - in fact, I think I will.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:05 PM :::

it's an animal thing...

We just got back from watching the chronicles of riddick... it was better than I had expected, but still came up short.
The story itself was.... a stretch. I think there were some things that needed to be... expanded on. But it's a movie, not a book. *shrug*
The effects were awesome.
The fight scenes were... unimpressive. I mean they were good and all, only... the camera shots were crap. Well, I didn't like them, anyway.

My highlights:
      1. That one scene from the previews where he's flying through the air to stab the
           bad guy.
      2. There are these dog-type things that like to eat people. Riddick befriends one...
           makes the comment to a fellow prisoner, "It's an animal thing." (hence this
           post's title)
      3. Riddick stabs a d00d in the head, then breaks the knife off.

One thing that was really weird, though - they showed a preview for chronicles of riddick before the movie.
weird. Everyone there was concerned we were in the wrong theatre.

Now david's back to wanting to shave his head. I really feel that if he wants to be jacking w/ his hair he better do it now while he still can (david's gonna grow up to be bald). Only... I really don't think he can pull it off.
Either way... he'll always be my david.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:32 AM :::

Saturday, June 12, 2004 :::

it's been a great last couple of days

and this is taken straight from an im:

I feel like I should write it down...
to try and capture how I feel....
only I'm not sure I want to ruin it by trying to put it into words.

and that's the truth.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:02 PM :::

Friday, June 11, 2004 :::

"...the wonder of lasagna."

mmmmmmmm lasagna.
I'm having one of those moments where I feel blessed to have david in my life.

We just got back from watching Garfield. It was a great movie - loads better than I expected.
The opening scene was kinda a disappointment, so I was really worried for a while, but the movie turned out really well.
And OMG Odie is ~so~ cute!!!!

After the movie I was really in the mood for lasgna, but since it's so late there's not place to just pick some up... so we stopped by walmart and he bought me lasagna and garlic bread.
He's such a sweetie.

My neice, nephew, their babysister, their babysitter's kid, david, and I all went to see it.
(check my moblog for a pic of my neice's hair)
I really had a good time this evening.

I really had a good time today in general, not just this evening. I got to spend more time with david than I have since... since we went to Houston over Christmas break. I also got to spend a good amount of time with my neice, and also w/ david's mom.
But I did manage to make david's mom think I'm a total flake. *sigh*
She was sweeping - like with a broom... and I go and spazz out trying to find one of those little scooper things to pick up the dirt and stuff... only I can't remember what they're called. So I'm all embarrassed, and I dunno why I say this, but I said, "Sorry, cleaning's not our forte," (meaning me and my neice). I tried to explain that up until a couple of months ago (whenever david made me mop the little kitchen area at the apt) I'd never mopped in my life, and that most likely my neice has never mopped in her life. She's only 13, you know. So I asked my neice and she was like, "no, I've never mopped." And david's mom just kinda looked at both of us and nodded and just smiled.
I could just hear her thinking, "these girls are useless."
See earlier david was asking how you fixed holes in the walls (like thumb tack holes and such) and I was like, "with spackle you useless boy." And I dunno... maybe I shouldn't have said that in front of his mom. I was just kidding...
I'm sure there are lots of grown men who don't know what spackle is.
*rolling eyes*

Anyway. I had a really great time this whole day.
And I feel blessed.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:48 PM :::

~hippity hop~

Well I ~finally~ got david to go with me to home depot. We grabbed about... oh maybe 6 "samples" or so (of borders).
After we got to the house we decided on a floral border for the living room and a pig border for the kitchen.
We still haven't decided on a border for the other bedrooms, though.
However, instead of turning the 2nd bedroom into an "office" (whatever that means), I get to make it mine! I'm so stoked!!! I'm gonna buy one of those round wicker chairs and also one of those shoe chairs, and I'm gonna put my ps2 and a tv in there... and posters on the wall!!!
So yes... we won't start painting until next weekend, but gawd knows if I had the money I'd start tomorrow. lol.
One complaint... there's not much counter space in the kitchen, so I'm thinking wherever we put the dishwasher I'll end up building more counter.

DAVID IS IMPOSSIBLE!!! I had almost forgotten! Whenever we were heading over to Gatti's for lunch, david had a little bitty worm on his shirt. So I took it off him and was just chilling with it 'till I got the chance to set him down somewhere. So then David's wigging out (I guess he doesn't like worms) trying to make me throw it out the window. He finally pulls over and I put the little worm on a napkin and set the napkin on the ground. David then backs up a bit then drives forward in an ATTEMPT TO RUN OVER THE WORM!!!!!
*shaking head*
check my moblog for pics of the little guy.

on a lighter note - thought this was funny.

Gonna go see Garfield in a few!!!!!!!

::: posted by tinafish at 7:33 PM :::

and he's throwing a fit?

My neice and I are waiting on david to go w/ us to home depot.
He's sitting here watching another televised funeral type thing. My neice and I are just sitting here whispering and giggling, and he huffs off to his bedroom since we're ruining it for him.

What kills me is that he went and made the stupid comment that I was torn up when I thought Manny had died.

Like, seriously... how the ~hell~ does my friendship with someone I've known for 17 YEARS compare to someone he knew for.. oh wait, he DIDN'T PERSONALLY KNOW RONALD REAGAN.

there is no comparison, and I'm kinda hurt that he even said that.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:26 AM :::

Let's Go Fly a Kite!

We went over to Luis and Maria's for dinner last night. Luis makes ~the~ best hamburgers. *salivating*
But I hate looking like a pig in front of david's friend's, so I only had one.
but it was ~good~.

I went job hunting yesterday with one of the guys I used to work with. Neither he nor I still work at the hospital, but we chat pretty much every day. He's ok w/ being unemployed, since it gives him more time to work on his poetry and play guitar. He's kinda a modern day hippie, w/ a goth twist.
We're supposed to play some Socom 2 later, so I'm looking forward to that. I never did buy that wireless adaptor for my ps2, so looks like I'll have to run an ethernet cord through the apt again.
I just hope squish refrains from chewing this one up - David'll kill me if I let it happen again. lol.

So we went to lots of places yesterday, and since I don't get out much, I managed to make a ~complete~ fool out of myself. Loads of times.
At Barnes & Noble I decided to fill out my app in the science fiction section, which is not too far from the gay & lesbian section, and then I said something a bit louder than I should have. *sigh*
At Michael's (this craft shop) I saw a whole set up of pez and I blurted out "PEZ!!!" really loudly. All the old white ladies in line and the one white man turned to stare at us (I do believe we were the only minorities in the entire store). We ended up buying a couple of kites - strawberry shortcake (to match my watch) and a teenage mutant ninja turtles one too.
Oh! Btwn walking to Michael's from B&N there was this dead bird that wasn't much more than just a pile of ruffled feathers. Now I know this is gonna sound sadistic, but one of his little legs had gotten detached from his body and was just laying there up beside it's head. And I thought it was funny. If I'd had my phone I'd have taken a pic.
.oO(wow I'm pretty messed up)
At Hasting's we were ordering some cold coffee when I asked Javier if he's ever had BAWLS before. I was absurdly loud so everyone in the little cafe looked at me like I was interested in Javier's crotch. *rolling eyes* And the guy behind the counter... I dunno... he started blushing. I was ~so~ embarrassed. And then later I was ragging on how lame guys and their pick up lines can be, so I told Javier about the whole "I think it's cool you play Tekken," line I was getting before I bought my ps2. So then Javier kept getting up and standing next to me and shuffling his feet and avoiding eye contact and saying "I think it's cool you play Tekken." lol.
Oh and we went to Toys R Us and I filled out my app sitting in a kiddie pool (that's what that is on my moblog).
And we stopped by Bed, Bath, and Beyond and also by Pier 1, mostly just to look at the stuff they have (to get ideas for the house) but also to apply.

I was watching tv last night... kinda dozed off. When I woke up it was ~ 2200. I grabbed my kite and ran down the stairs all stoked. See, I've never flown a kite. According to david these are really cheap kites (only $1.50 - so what'd he expect?) and they're not gonna work real well.
I am determined, though. Well I was last night, anyway.
I spent about 15 mins down there before david went down. Then we spent maybe 10 minutes or so trying to get it to fly. Truth be told, we are not very good at this game. Maybe if there was more of a breeze or something... all I know is it wasn't working like they do in Mary Poppins.
But then again... I don't think there's too much that'd work like things do in Mary Poppins.

Eek! Must grab the neice and go by home depot!
(I'm kinda disappointed about the whole house thing now, but I'll blog about that later)

::: posted by tinafish at 9:32 AM :::

Thursday, June 10, 2004 :::

View my Moblog

::: posted by tinafish at 9:49 PM :::

since my bday's coming up...

My birthday's at the end of August.
Feel free to send me a gift - my wishlist is linked to over there on the right...
and if you feel like splurging on me, here's a link:

yes, it's that phone I was raving about a couple weeks ago.
I still want it, and I still can't afford it.

(click the pic for phone specs)

::: posted by tinafish at 3:21 AM :::

Wednesday, June 09, 2004 :::

w00t w00t!!!

5 days to mn is ~finally~ over!
Guess what's on now!
*�ber stoked*
The same episode of SG1 that was on earlier!
So now I can watch it again and then watch stargate the movie when the episode is over!
or woodle-ooh, even

::: posted by tinafish at 11:02 PM :::

I am the Queen of Gross KoolAid

seriously, it's pretty gross.

anyway. David's out at aromas studying. again.
Before he got home from work I had decided that after sg1 (it was a rerun of their series premiere) I was gonna watch stargate (the movie) 'cause it's totally awesome!
But then he got home and made us watch that broadcast of Reagan's funeral.
I mean, don't get me wrong - I feel for his family, but when it comes down to it, it's just one more dead person. And some people waiting in line for 12 hours to get the chance to walk by a closed casket. *rolling eyes* 'Cause we were all personal friends and knew the guy really well.
I never have been able to understand why the general public feels the need to "mourn" when someone famous dies.

I do sincerely feel for his family, though. His wife, especially.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:45 PM :::

View my Moblog

::: posted by tinafish at 10:21 PM :::

a girl can dream, can't she?


� Dual 2GHz PowerPC G5
� 8GB DDR400 SDRAM (PC3200) - 8x1GB
� 2x250GB Serial ATA - 7200rpm
� ATI Radeon 9800 Pro
� Apple Cinema HD Display (23" flat panel)
� Apple Cinema Display (23" flat panel) + Apple DVI-to-ADC Adapter
� AirPort Extreme Card
� Bluetooth Module
� SuperDrive (DVD-R/CD-RW)
� Fibre Channel PCI Card (w/SFP-SFP cable)
� Apple Keyboard & Apple Mouse - U.S. English
� Mac OS X - U.S. English
� Final Cut Express 2 preinstalled
� Keynote preinstalled
� iPod - 40GB
� iSight
� Logitech Z-680 THX 5.1 Speakers & Monster 2-meter Cable
� AirPort Extreme Base Station (without modem and antenna port)
� .Mac Promotional Bundle

Price $15,149.90

I want a g5.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:51 AM :::

Tuesday, June 08, 2004 :::

a real eye-opener


I was talking to a friend of mine last night about someone they know who died in iraq.
And I get a phone call tonight, from an 956 number (that's the RGV's area code) and I don't know who it is.
So I answer. It's some guy I don't know, asking for me. So I say it's me, and then he busts out with my full name. Like, complete full name.
And I'm like, wtf?
Then he apologizes for the late hour, saying that this is an emergency. He starts asking if I know someone by the name of [enter full name here], which is a really close friend of mine that I call Manny.
And I'm like, wtf?
So then the guy starts talking about how Manny's parents have already been notified, but because of the intimate nature of our relationship Manny had left a directive in his will that I be notified... and that there was something he'd wanted me to have.
And I'm like... wigging out.
The guy starts telling me about how Manny had gotten shipped back to Iraq and there was an accident... but I wasn't really listening, ya know? This is one of my best friends that I have ever had. in my life.
And then this guy says that before he can reveal any more information he needs proof that I am the person he's looking for - he asks me for Manny's birthday.
I don't know it.

So he hangs up.

And I'm like... sitting here wigging out, wondering why I'm not crying. I start thinking about the different stages of grief, and how the first stage is denial. But I wasn't in denial.
Why wasn't I crying? He's one of my best friends - the friendship I have with him is one of my most valued posessions.
I start thinking about his mom, his brothers, and his younger sister. She's the only girl in the family, and she's the sweetest thing.
After all the trouble I went through a couple of months ago to get in touch with him... how had I let that be our last conversation?

Then my phone rings again. From the same number. And I smile. It's gotta be a joke, right? Why else would they call back?
And then it hits me - this is denial.
And it felt like my heart stopped.

I thank God it was a joke.

It was Manny on the other end laughing and yelling and asking me how I've been.
I talked to him for a while, half an hour or so... just catching up.
I guess I sounded a bit dishelved because he starts apologizing, and says he has a surprise for me!
He's gonna come visit me! Next week!!!!
*�ber stoked*
but wait, there's more!
My old friend Webster, someone I haven't heard from since December of 2001, comes on the phone yelling Goosey Goose (it's what he and some of the other guys used to call me)(heh - I guess they still do call me that)!
I talked with Webster (a nickname) for about 45 minutes, just catching up.
Gawd how we've all changed.

I just really want to let everyone know how much I really care about them, especially the people I've lost touch with.
We've all moved around a lot, and some of us have no plans for going back to the valley. I just hope the impression I've left those I've lost contact with... I hope they all know that I will never forget them, and I will keep them in my prayers.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:35 PM :::


So yesterday was a really long day... And I have the feeling today's gonna be a really long day too.
I've been waking up absurdly early lately - ~ 1030 for the last few days. And on Sunday night I didn't get to bed 'till ~ 0730 or so, and these last couple of days I've been going to bed @ ~ 0330.
So I dunno why I'm waking up so early.

Yesterday I had lunch with my friend DF. He and I used to date, and really funny story about how we split up and something that was supposed to happen this past weekend.
See DF and I were dating right before my david and I started dating. It had been about a year since I'd moved up here, and that first year was a real whirlwind. I did the whole engaged thing then the dating thing and I was changing boyfriends every 2 months. But I was really into DF, and I had reached that point emotionally where I felt I was finally ready to accept someone for who they are and stop comparing them to the ex.
So I guess it was either Christmas day or the day after, but DF came over and we exchanged gifts at the park in front of my house.
And he was going to California for a couple of weeks. And then he was gone.
The two weeks came and went and he never called. After a month had gone by I got the hint.
Then I started dating 5 or so guys - just dating around and not committing myself to anyone. That's when I met my david. About another month later DF called to explain himself. I got a real kick out of it - this was the first time I'd ever gotten shafted. What I found the most funny was how the girl who had introduced us was talking garbage about him when just a couple of weeks earlier she'd been telling me how awesome he is.
So anyway. Back to the present. He was supposed to go to California this past weekend. He'd stopped by to drop off an app to his place of employment and mentioned he was gonna take that trip. I teased him saying I hoped he wasn't gonna forget about his current gf.
I promise it was really funny at the time.
So yes. We had lunch yesterday, just catching up and stuff. I turned in that app so maybe they'll call me!

I'm supposed to go to home depot today w/ my sis to go look at wallpaper and paint and stuff. I really hate doing these things by myself. It's not so much that I want her opinion (we have different tastes) but rather just her company.
Well, time to take the dogs out.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:49 PM :::


I am so tired of my dumb retarded template!

I think I'm gonna work on a new one.

I made some minor changes.... new song (I'll probably add a new pic before I go to bed) and a couple different images.

The page doesn't seem to load right, either. It takes a couple of refreshes before it shows up like it should - with both the msn icon displaying and the column lining up like it should.

I sure wish I had something better to do aside from jack with my blog.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:45 AM :::

Monday, June 07, 2004 :::

more than what might have been...

         ... it's what would have been...

                        ... today would have been our anniversary ...

                                       ... and apparently I'm not the only one who remembered.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:09 AM :::

Sunday, June 06, 2004 :::

it's bowling night!

::: posted by tinafish at 7:50 PM :::

moving on out


david's gonna be moving in to his grandmother's old house.
it's a real fixer-upper, and I'm stoked!
I get to decorate a whole house!!!
oh and he won't be paying rent since he'll be fixing up the place.
and the dogs'll have a yard to play in!

I've already made plans for what I'm gonna do to the living room - right now it's got floral wallpaper, floral curtains, and maroon carpeting. David's got some beige couches so I wanna put in different wallpaper with beige in it, possibly like the wallpaper we put in my mom's dining room back home. Also I'd like to put a wallpaper border up around the ceiling - something with a bit of maroon in it. Then we'll need to buy different throw pillows for the couch - maroon ones to match the carpeting.
The kithen right now is yellow. I'd like to paint it predominately white, with colored trim. I haven't decided what color, though. His dishes have green lines on them, so because of that most likely the kitchen trim would be green, unless he's willing to buy new dishes.
One of the bedrooms has blue carpet and white walls. I'd probably just add a border and different curtains. And a new ceiling fan. And possibly track lighting, depending on what gets put in the second half of the bedroom.
The bathroom - replace the shower curtain with a door, put in new sink/shower fixtures. Also new light fixture. Replace the linoleum and paint it.... I'm not sure what color, but I do know I'll finally be able to buy that duck border I'd been looking at.
Another bedroom is great - it's covered wall to ceiling to wall with album covers. Like, vinyl album covers. I love the way it looks.
I didn't really look at the other bedroom, so I dunno what I'd do about that.
There's also a utility room. I'd like that painted a pale blue, with new linoleum that has a bit of blue in it. And some shelves added. It'll be a nice place to keep the dogs.
The front yard... with a little paint the little swinging bench will look amazing. We'll need to buy grass, for both the front and back yards. I'd like some shrubs under the window there in the front, and some running along the fence all around. there's a bit of the yard that's outlined w/ decorative rocks... the rose bush growing there is in dire need of some care.
The back yard. There's an old basketball hoop that needs to get taken down. Again we'll need grass. I'd like shrubs along the fence here too. And at some point I'd like a little tool shed to keep the lawnmower and other tools. Also a couple of little houses for the dogs.

Of course since this is David's new house it's all gotta go through him, but this is a general direction to go.
I think we're gonna take before and after pictures, in which case I'll be posting them.

Gawd if I had a job I'd be picking out wallpaper and paint already.
For now all I can do is plan.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:43 PM :::

Saturday, June 05, 2004 :::

13 ghosts!

so I watched 13 ghosts earlier.
I was right... it wasn't too bad.
Not quite as comical as the commercials made it out to be, but certainly not as scary as certain people suggested.

It's really just suspense that I don't do well with. I can handle most anything else, but I've never been much for suspense.

All day I've been trying to remember the name of that country song... it came out a couple of years ago, and it was about Ronald & Nancy Reagan, and their relationship - about how Alzheimer's has affected them.
It's a pretty song, but I can't remember the name of it.

So anyway...
We saw Harry Potter last night.
It was a little spookier than I would have liked, and on top of that we didn't get to sit together. See, we got there about half an hour early, but apparently that wasn't early enough. The theatre was ~packed~ with people. And since there were 7 of us there was no way we were gonna get seats together. Ended up Sandra, Pabs, Marleen, Nicholas, and me all sat together (nicholas sat on marleen's lap) and Brian and David sat together on the othe rside of the theatre.
I was real apprehensive about the movie going into this, and then I don't even get to sit w/ the bf.
All in all it wasn't too bad... definetly a lot darker than the other 2 movies, but I still think the 2nd one was the spookiest.

gawd it's raining again.
it's been raining all week.
David's gonna squoosh more snails tonight.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:59 PM :::

I'm not much good at this whole "woman" thing...

Remember back a while ago I was trying to make that banana cream pie?
and remember how it was absolute crap?


I have some bad news.
I decided I was gonna ~finally~ make my pisacchio pudding.
And since I have that extra pie crust left over from the banana pudding fiasco, I decided I was gonna make it like a pie.

So I measured out the milk and then added the pudding mix... and it was ~awful~ runny. So I wigged out, reread the instructions, and decided I had added too much milk - that I had used the amount of milk suggested for 2 packages of pudding mix, not just one.
So I jumped in the shower and got ready to go buy another package of pudding mix.
It took me a while to convince david to go too, but he finally did. We stopped by an atm to deposit some money, then went to albertsons to buy the pudding mix (I decided to buy 2 packages since I figured my first attempt was shot) and a few other things, and then decided to go out for lunch and then picked up a smoothie at drumgoole's.
When I got back to the apt, the pudding messup that I had put in the fridge was just disgustingly solid (or so it seemed).
I took a pic of it, then held it over my head and took another pic (visit my moblog) then threw the pudding gunk in the garbage.

Then I washed the bowl and measuring cup and whisk... then I started reading the directions to make the new pudding.
I re-read the instructions... and it turns out... I had made it right the first time.

So here we go again. Now the pudding's sitting in the pie crust in the fridge... and I'm waiting for it to get solid before I try to eat it.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:37 PM :::

Friday, June 04, 2004 :::


I woke up in the middle of the night choking on my vomit.
That's all I'm gonna say today.
I'm gonna lay on the couch.

.oO(why am I only wearing one sock?)

::: posted by tinafish at 11:48 AM :::

Thursday, June 03, 2004 :::

I can ~feel~ them crawling all over me!!!

I am ~wigging~ out!
I'm watching the xfiles - this episode has got to be the SPOOKIEST episode ever!
I've been like... screaming periodically. Well not periodically, but whenever I'm really scared.
... which is often ...

there are these cockroaches... killing people... or so it seems right now...

my throat is already sore... and it's only half an hour in to the episode.

OMFG this is too much for me!!!!

::: posted by tinafish at 2:33 PM :::

rain rain go away


It's been raining all morning.
I'm supposed to drive out to levelland to turn in some stuff for financial aid, but I'm not sure I wanna deal with the rain. It's coming down really hard right now, and it has been for the last half hour or so.
Plus I don't think I can really afford to right now.

My dad's on vacation again. He's run off for a couple of weeks. He left last week and is aiming to be back by next week.
I can't wait 'till I retire.
He's off in Dallas visiting.

I went to bed really early last night.
David showed up an hour into Pitch Black last night. Apparently his server got hit again last night.
After Pitch Black we watched the lowdown thing on scifi - the one about the chronicles of riddick.
Man I love that one shot were Riddick is jumping towards that d00d and he's got his knife drawn... That shot alone makes me wanna watch the movie. I think that'll be the highlight, but honestly I'm hoping for a decent action flic.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:11 AM :::

Wednesday, June 02, 2004 :::

I was up all night, wond'ring what to do...


My buddy niccalo helped keep me awake last night.
I was nodding hard by ~ 0400... I was still doing laundry @ 0600 this morning.
But I gave up.

So now I get to finish today. I've gotta wash towels, but aside from that I'm done.

I had this really weird dream last night...
I dreamt I was at the mall... and looking at more pups and had squishy with us... and for some reason... a couple of davids friends were with us... and long story short - it was a rather drawn out dream, but while at the pet store david's friend picked up the wrong dog thinking it was squish... and so I was spent the rest of the dream looking for him.
At least it's only a dream... but it does make me value my little man a bit more.

anyhow. breakfast time!

::: posted by tinafish at 2:23 PM :::


we watched Miracle tonight. I liked it a lot.
I've always wanted to be able to ice skate. Like, really ice skate. But where I'm from... well... I don't think it's snown in the valley since I was born. As far as I can remember it hasn't.

I saw Calendar Girls this morning.
I woke up @ ~ 0800 this morning starving. Since I was up I figured I'd have some breakfast and watch a movie.
Since I was dreaming about eating Pops, I was craving pops when I woke up. We don't have any, so I had Special K instead. It was that Almond Special K or whatever... not the best stuff I've ever had, but it was cereal, at least.
So I watched the movie, and it just made me want to get married so badly. Well not just get married, but to grow old with someone I love and who loves me.
A girl can dream, can't she?

By the time the movie was over I was hungry again (I'd only had one bowl of cereal) so I grabbed some Nilla wafers and Nourishe (drinkable yogurt). Good stuff.
I talked to nicc for a while - just long enough to talk about eating those cookies. lol.

And now I'm waiting on laundry before going to bed.
I'm watching something on tv... I'm not sure what it is, but it's got Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy.
... at least... I ~think~ that's nick nolte. I'm not sure, honestly.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:13 AM :::

Tuesday, June 01, 2004 :::

oh it wasn't that bad

date night flopped, but we had a pretty good time in the early evening.
we went to the mall... had ice cream from Marble Slab.... played with a Hover Disk for about half an hour in kaybee's.
I had fun.

also I dunno if I mentioned it... but david brought home the projector so we watched Welcome to Mooseport on the wall.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:38 PM :::

.oO(so much for date night)

date night flopped.
I figured it would.
David invitied his friends...
We couldn't find a copy of Pitch Black to rent...

we ended up watching Welcome to Mooseport and bbq-ing.

not that it was bad... but it wasn't time for "us"

Now I'm trying to convince him (since we didn't get the night to ourselves ~and~ we couldn't find a copy of Pitch Black) we should have a real date night on Wednesday (since scifi's broadcasting Pitch Black).
I don't think it's gonna happen.
On top of david still working on the servers, school starts on Wednesday.

Guess I can always watch it by myself.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:20 AM :::