Thursday, March 31, 2005 :::

feeling depressed everyday

I'm so tired.
I hate when people ask questions they really don't want to know the answers to.
/me sigh
I'm tired of dolling up my responses.
I really am.
I'm just so frustrated right now.

I just got off the phone with my sister.
we're supposed to get together later and watch a movie or something.
I dunno... I'm not sure I wanna deal w/ anyone right now.

think I'm gonna go home, turn my lights off, lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling, and get lost.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:15 PM :::

I open up and I dream

wow. I haven't gotten this much of a response since the BoB is not a drunk fiasco.
seems not many of us are wanting to admit how similar we all are. in fact, I listened for a few hours to lus last night (he ripped me a new one) about how that whole post was just a load of bs.
/me sigh

so I guess I should clarify.
that one line is a dumbed down version of my outlook on life - and by dumbed down I mean it's something where you can at least understand (if not agree with) what I'm saying in a very generic sense.

we are all the same, and I've never felt that's a bad thing. quite a few of you seem to have taken offense at that, and I'm not sure why.
at the risk of sounding like a first year english major, "no man is an island..."
we all have wants and needs, and we all have our own beliefs and morals. we all wake up every day and do something - whether it be go to school, work, or just veg out. We all have some source of income, things we do for recreation and to relax. No matter how different we all are, there are underlying unifying concepts with all of us.
in the end we're all human, and not one of us is perfect.

when I say we all have different faces I'm talking about our physical appearances, not just your or my face.
we've all got these ideas of who we are and how we relate to others... these things that we project outwards in our habits and mannerisms.

and by saying we all have different hobbies, I don't mean it in the strictest way. It's more of a generalization, like... where face = physical appearance.
according to me, in this context, your religion, career, morals, recreational activities, and your outlook on life are all hobbies.

no matter what you believe in, or what you do for fun, there is bound to be at least one other person who feels similarly (if not exactly) how you do, about this one idea.

so I guess I should be saying:
guys are all the same, w/ different faces and slightly different hobbies, where similarities are basic wants and needs, faces are physical appearance and outward projections, and hobbies are the things done on a day to day basis that may or may not be unique to each person.

Take my blogging, for example. I sit here and literally spend hours of my time pouring my heart and soul out into this. My heartbreaks and my fears are all here for anyone with an internet connection to read. If you were to go through and read my archives you would have a much better understanding of who I am than some kid sitting next to me in class.
Now you might not blog with the same intensity that I do - you might not blog at all - and that would be where we are different. But blog or not you do have a friend or hobbie or outlet of some sort for the same heartbreaks and happiness that you (or I, or anyone) go through.

we all face the world daily. it's how you face it that makes us all different.
without fail, though, the sun will set and the day will end.
for all of us.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:35 PM :::

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 :::

never kiss and tell

The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender because this kiss already has within it that surrender.
� Emil Ludwig (1881-1948)

and ~that's~ why I'm so picky about who I kiss.
I've tried to get away from that attitude, but kissing someone when I don't mean it... just... it feels empty - a waste of time, energy... the whole bit is a waste.
but kissing someone I care about... having the freedom to wallow in the embrace... warmth and security...
/me sigh

::: posted by tinafish at 9:59 PM :::

I love it when you call me out on something

here's my philosophy about guys: they're all the same, just with different faces and slightly different hobbies.
I've been saying that for years, and today my friend chris hall called me out on it.
(and I feel the same way about grrls; we're all the same, all pretending we're ~so~ different....)

he's a great guy, an awesome friend, and an even better score (so kudos to his chick).
with that said, I'll mention that when we first met our intentions weren't just to be friends. stuff happened, and now we're friends.

so he's trying to argue agst my line.
thing is... he started out by saying that school kids that get picked on by jocks embrace alternatives, making them different than the jocks... but similar to another group.
and that kinda proved my point.
then he tried to say that I'm not like most grrls. as evidence he mentioned my habit of grabbing books in a bookstore and plopping down in the aisle to read it. I know it may not be the most orthodox thing to do, but it's not like I'm causing any trouble. and there's plenty of floor to go around, ya know?
I'm getting sidetracked. that may not be the most common thing to do, but I'm certainly not the first nor only person to do it. and even if I was, that could always be filed away as one of my "slightly different hobbies."

I know you're thinking it, 'cause it's come up in more than one conv w/ more than one person... "if guys are all the same what's so different about this justin fellow?"
nothing's different about him.
he too, is just another face in the crowd. he's just some guy, same as the rest of them, with slightly different hobbies.

when it comes down to it, though, we ~are~ all the same.
don't get me wrong, I think we're all unique, but that in itself is a unifying factor.
we all have to breath, we all want to be loved... and we all want to be accepted for who we are.

so what I'm really saying isn't that you don't matter enough for me to take the time to differentiate you... what I'm saying is that you're already good enough.
you don't need the approval of some grrl, or anyone else.
just be true to yourself. don't worry about other folks around... worry about you and being happy with who you are.

/me stepping off soap box

::: posted by tinafish at 5:02 PM :::

I am confused, yet somewhat aroused, all at the same time

because naku is so adamant about lateralus, I've decided to take her advice and give it a whirl.

since tool is doke's favorite band, I asked if he had the album (supposedly an obvious yes, whatever that means), and then asked to rip it.
he didn't think I was even gonna listen to it, but I loaded the album into my ipod intent on at least trying it out.
and since tool is often grouped in with a perfect circle, and nine inch nails, I figured it couldn't be ~too~ gross.

now I didn't lay out on the floor and stare at the fan, but I have been laying in bed staring at the ceiling.
I've never given tool a chance; mostly I just talk garbage and tune 'em out.
but laying here in a dark room, lit only by the glow of my dimmed computer screen...
it's amazing.

doke swears by tool, and we've left each other messages on dirty dan's calendar talking shit (me about tool and him about country music).
but it's really good, ya'll. I can totally see myself listening to this in the future.
so there.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:10 AM :::

Tuesday, March 29, 2005 :::

it says "Id.10T error"

yeah..... I ~totally~ didn't get it.

aj called me ealier, a bit frantic.
apparently I'm not the only one who uses my blog as a reference tool.
he needed to know ~exactly~ what day something happened, and was kinda freaking out about it.
so I looked it up for him, and all is well again.

so doke's supposed to be moved out by this weekend.
I'm pretty stoked about having the place to myself. I hope I don't get lonely or anything.
I'd been half assedly planning on inviting friends over this weekend, but I mentioned it to dirty dan and he reminded me that he'll be in corpus this weekend.
so looks like it's moved to next weekend.
any of ya'll in this part of the state are welcome to stop by.

omg. I was just bitching to justin about how I never get any email anymore.
it's true - I've not gotten a real email in the last week (that's not counting newsletters - which is how the whole gay star trek came up in conv earlier). I don't even get spam.
anyhow... I'd ~just~ hit "send" when I see my little "non-obtrusive mail check" icon show up.
I check my mail, and voila, I've got an email.
thanks lus - it really brightened my day!

::: posted by tinafish at 8:01 PM :::

"captain I bet that alien has a large schlong"

I took this cute litte test thingy that makes generalizations about your personality based on the dessert you choose. I chose strawberry shortcake.
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other
people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be
overly emotional and annoying at times.

the guys have been having a field day with that; they've been giving me such garbage about how my ideal date would probably be pizza, bawls, and a lan party.
I admit I'm not the most romantic person... but I do like to think I have my moments.

the guys have been wigging out about hidden frontier for the last hour.
they're under the impression that every character on the ship is gay.
and honestly, I've never even seen an episode, but I personally don't think it would make sense for everyone on the ship to be gay.
/me shaking head
they're ~really~ blowing this out of proportion.
the title here is jordan pretending to be a crewmember.
supposedly they've never heard of slash... which I don't really believe. I mean, how could I possibly know more about erotic fan fiction than the guys I work with?
adding all this together I'm not really making a good argument for me being girly.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:39 PM :::

it will be mine, all mine...

so I finally got out to walmart and bought another message board.
I've still no debit/atm card so doke spotted me $2 of the $8 I spent on the board.
when we got home I took my sweet time choosing exactly which photos I was gonna put on it (I didn't want anything too incriminating, and since so many of the pics from my trip home are, it took me a while to decide)... and then I spent aaages arranging them in a way I thought looked ok.
and now I'm back to hating it, and I'd change it all around again if I hadn't poked holes in the pics already.
but at least now I've got it to where I can put it up.
just I still need to decide where... think I'm gonna rearrange the posters in the living room.

doke's been gathering his things.
he's taken apart most of electronics in the living room, leaving only the tv & dvd player connected.
speaking of which, my sis said I could take the tv that's in my bedroom at her house. I also think I'm gonna swipe her old loveseat.
this is gonna be quite the rag tag apt, eh?

doke suggested I give lus the extra key.
it hadn't been my original plan, but since most of the beer in my fridge and liquor in my freezer belongs to lus, it seems only fair.

what else?
I still dunno what I'm gonna do w/ the extra bedroom.
I'm thinking I may bring over all my star trek junk - poster, action figures, all of it - and set it up in there.
actually I've been flirting w/ buying a bed (I've been using a twin bed my sis loaned me) of my own, that I can take with me whenever I move... instead of being told that since I didn't buy it and it was a gift that it's not mine to take.
/me glaring in my mother's general direction
so that does sound like a better idea. even if I end up w/ another bite size twin bed, at least it'll be ~my~ bite size twin bed.

I think I'll be able to do this.
with my debit card out of commission I've still got my entire paycheck in my checking acct.
I'm still thinking about cancelling my netflix membership, but I'd really like to keep it if possible.
in the end it'll depend on how much my utility bill ends up coming to.
and I've ~got~ to put money back in my savings acct.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:51 AM :::

Monday, March 28, 2005 :::

raaaanch dressssssssssing

I don't even remember why, but I've been saying that all evening.
think it's probably got something to do with someone's username or password.
/me shrug

I've gotten a lot of input about my last post.
doke made a couple of valid points, but aside from that mostly I've gotten a lot of support.
I'd like to say I'm gonna take this all in stride and have a wonderful time w/ justin, but since I ~was~ pretty acidic w/ my responses I don't think it's my choice anymore.
At least I've taken the time to think this through, and I'm not going to hang on this particular issue anymore.
so overall I've at least been able to deal with this, instead of just numbly going through motions.

sin city is released on friday.
I'm pretty stoked.
oh and apparently there's a bloodrayne movie coming out soon... I'm not too impressed w/ the trailer, though.

I tried ~really~ hard to get someone (anyone, really) to go out to the strip for me and grab me a bbq sandwich from pinkie's.
it didn't happen.
/me devastated
then I talked to my sis again, and apparently she made marleen a strawberry shortcake for her bday. So I stopped by my sis's house and took half of it.
also I grabbed my ps2 while I was there, so I can play something tonight if it suits me.

I got into a bit of a spat w/ slave last night... that was weird.
so we didn't talk much... I ended up asking people (via my away message) to skype me, and a surprising number of people did.
so if you ever feel like talking, I'm lagoose27 (big surprise) on skype.
it's great ya'll - cross platform telephony & file transfers.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:48 AM :::

I'm so sad

you know how I said justin makes me stupid happy?
well it's true. he really does.
I'd be stoked to call him my d00d, ya know?
even though I hardly know the guy I have this madd affection for him.
it's not like me.
he mentioned that he wants a chick, and instead of being... I dunno... ~girly~ or something, I suggested he get a dog. he said he didn't want a dog, that he wanted me. and I told him people in hell want ice water.

I've got awesome social skills, eh?
/me sigh

at first I thought I was just still sore about how things went the first time we had a go.
except things went really well... and it was my choice to not see him again.
so then I thought it was 'cause he'll be busy with school and working, and I tend to keep odd hours.
but that's just an excuse; an inconvenience at most.
then I thought maybe I didn't want to be in a rltnship atm. I've been doing really well being single, and I'm not in any rush to get myself a counterpart just yet.
that's partly true... but only at the surface.

truth is, I'm afraid.
and I know we're all afraid, mostly of getting hurt... but that's not what I'm afraid of. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm afraid to get hurt... but that's a chance I don't mind taking.
I'm afraid I'll cheat.
I've purposely been sketchy about what happened btwn david and me... all I'll say is that our rltnship was shit the last few months we were together, and I made some bad choices.
that's not saying I regret them, though. I really do believe you can't regret anything you learn from.
I cheated. not physically, mind you, but I began to think of someone else as more than just a friend. Now this friend lives states away and I've never met the guy irl, but over the course of our friendship we'd grown very close. we were both in compromised rltnships, and found solace in each other.
it's odd, isn't it? the most rewarding rltnship I've ever had existed almost solely in cyberspace.

and this concerns justin (or any guy, really) because since I honestly don't regret cheating, I'm afraid I'll do it again.
I know you're probably thinking, "how'd you cheat? you've never met the guy."
thing is, I'm kind of an idealist when it comes to my rltnships. I've always felt that if there's anyone else you'd rather be with, anyone you like more than me, then go be with her. And I've always said that if there was anyone else I wanted to be with, I'd break up w/ whoever I'm seeing. Not even necessarily to pursue anything with the other person, but just because it's not fair to the guy I'm dating.
I still feel that way.
so by that, I did cheat.

I'm afraid I'll do it again.
I don't see myself letting things in a rltnship I'm in get that bad ever again.
and I'm pretty much a different grrl than I used to be - after all that's happened I've had to rethink a lot of my philosophy towards life, and I've learned that nothing is absolute.

so I guess when it comes down to it... I'm not afraid of getting hurt.
I'm afraid I'll hurt him.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:08 AM :::

Sunday, March 27, 2005 :::

my crotch hurts

so the bike ride went surprisingly well - I didn't fall face first into the street like I had thought I would.
we started out pretty easy, since I had to learn how to get started and turn and all. then we had to work on me stopping.
I'm really proud of myself.
I didn't fall 'till we pulled up to the pour house, and up the incline.
actually, I didn't ~fall~ at the pour house... that handicapped parking sign caught me.
then we went in and had a couple of shots and a beer.
it was pretty dark when we left, so we hauled ass home.
I had a really good time, only the bike I was riding (lus lent me his mountain bike) was a bit too big for me.
and I've never really ridden before... and the bicycle seat is hard and not forgiving at all.

we went to outback steak house for dinner.
I had ~amazing~ steamed vegetables that came w/ my cyclone chicken... the chicken, however, was too spicy. apparently there was a pepper happy chef working the kitchen tonight.
/me shrug

so we're gonna go make a dent in that 64 oz bottle of jager in my freezer.
happy easter ya'll!

::: posted by tinafish at 9:38 PM :::

keeping score

so I made my sis take my friend quiz - she, like david fraga, went halfers on it.
also like david fraga, she knew who my childhood hero was.
and speaking of my friend quiz, justin scored himself 500,000 points last night (he's got a copy of my favorite movie).

I just got out of the shower, and instead of playing frisbee golf w/ doke & mr potato head - seems they left w/out me - I was gonna work on my table and then go over to my sis's to play some video games w/ her.
but lus just messaged; he's invited me on a bike ride.

now I didn't exactly have the most... common childhood. I never watched tv, I never played video games, and I never learned how to ride a bike.
the first guy I dated when I moved up here kinda taught me how to ride... so counting that experience I've spent a total of about 5 mins on a bike. in my entire life.
as I recall, getting started wasn't too hard, and keeping going was easy... but stopping is what I couldn't really handle.
in fact, instead of using the brakes I ended up jumping off the bicycle.

so wish me luck, ya'll.
I sincerely hope I don't make a ~complete~ mess of myself.
how embarrassing - having to show up to work tomorrow all bruised and scraped up just 'cause I went for a bike ride.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:40 PM :::

�que quieres de la vida?

I went out with justin again tonight.
I hadn�t talked to him since the last time I mentioned it on here.
I dunno what it is about him... but he makes me stupid happy.
/me shrug

Today - erm, the 26th - is marleen�s bday.
I had originally invited lus to celebrate w/ us, but that ended up falling to pieces.
but overall I had a good time.
gloria (my sis) and I ordered food from manila cafe. It was supposed to be ready at 1800, but it wasn�t ready �till 1930.
so to kind of appease us, they kept giving us all these free samples. and omg we ended up eating ~so~ much.
by the time we finally got to marleen�s I only ate about half a plate and was finished.
my sis and I ended up deciding to nap instead of battle (tekken), so I dropped her off at home and came home.
instead of napping, I spent the evening with justin.

well lus & I are gonna make an orange juice run.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:44 AM :::

Saturday, March 26, 2005 :::

"if you break his heart again, I'll kill you."

I watched to sg 1 and atlantis season finales last night. omfg ya'll.
I was like, ~crushed~ when atlantis wasn't over (it's a to-be-continued episode).

the anarchist hippie and lus were both giving me garbage about being so into the show.
they were both just sitting here chilling and talking to each other while I was just focused on the tv.

we headed over to buffalo wild wing about midnight to watch kinky wizards play. they were really good - I mean, I actually recognized a few of their songs. and I got a really good vibe from the singer, which is a nice change. Not saying that all the band members I meet are jerks, just that this guy gave me a good vibe.
I could be totally wrong - it's not like we sat down and discussed our childhoods or anything.
then instead of coming home (like I'd told the anarchist hippie and his sidekick we would), we headed to the depot district to whiskey river to check out crimson envy.
I had more fun there than at bww. ~way~ more fun. even though it was near dead empty.
the bass player, charlie, had a star wars thingy (yes, that's the technical term) on his arm. I thought that was cool.
also, the lead guitar player, tate... he kept trying to do these awesome fight moves (reminded me of playing tekken) but he uh... wasn't getting too lucky with it. he tried to do a sweep on charlie but charlie ended up boxing his ears. then tate tried to do an arm hold on chris (the bartender who owns the place, and who I met the other night at ihop... I ~think~ his name's chris) but chris reversed it and tate ended up near screaming.
it was great fun.

then lus and I came home and watched some tv while shooting the bull. and I ~finally~ put my posters up.
then lus made ruebens (sp?) for us.
I'd never had one - it was pretty good. But I don't think I'll be added sourcraut (I know that's spelled wrong, but you get the idea) to my hot dogs any time soon.

lus left when spice world came on... but I stayed up for a few hours longer.
and now I'm fixing to head over to my sis's house to play some tekken while the cake's in the oven (can you believe she's baking? yikes!)

::: posted by tinafish at 4:14 PM :::

Friday, March 25, 2005 :::

but he's deceptively thin

my sis brought us lunch today. she's crazy ya'll.
she had us call in our order (to sonic, mind you) and she went to pick it up.
she gave me garbage about it - food for all 4 of us was about $30, which is easily my tab alone at ihop.
so anyway.
we've got 3 bags of food, a gift bag (she got me a tshirt, a duck, and shampoo for easter), and 4 drinks, so I needed help bringing all that back here.
she brought the drinks back.
when I was walking her back out... you know that glass sliding door I've mentioned? and you know how since we're the only ones in the building it's really dark? well... she walked into the closed side of the sliding door.
it was ~so~ funny, ya'll.

but she's a sweetie. she gave me $20 to last me 'till I get my replacement debit card.
and we're supposed to get together tomorrow afternoon to play some tekken and celebrate easter.

now I'm finally able to use bluetooth - I'm dloading all of the jesus fan's pics from his phone. I'm gonna email 'em to him, or possibly upload to my server so he can dload from there.
great fun at work tonight.

I'm so stuffed.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:16 PM :::

there's always a bright side

I've gone and lost my debit/atm card.
it's been missing for a few days... last time I remember seeing it was at rosita's when I was there w/ the anarchist hippie.
I looked around for it last night... I kinda tore the place apart looking for it, actually. But no card anywhere.
So I sucked it up and called to get it canceled.
/me sigh
can I really survive a week w/ no debit card? I carry no cash on me, and the only thing I write checks for is rent...
on the bright side, maybe this'll stop the uh... folks from charging me.
at least there's that.
guess we'll see.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:31 PM :::

he sensed the chemisty

my buddy david fraga came over tonight... he's a sweetie, ya'll.
(and he went halfers on my friends quiz, which was a nice surpise. ~and~ he's the ONLY one who got the question about my childhood hero right)
we watched clerks and just jacked around for a while.
lus came by, so he and david fraga finally got to meet - that's me quoting lus in the title.
david fraga went home a little after 0300, right about the time we started playing tekken.
I'm having great fun customizing the characters, so I'm playing in arcade mode a lot to get gold.
I keep forgetting to find out if kazuya's extra costume is the devil.
speaking of which.... now's as good a time to find out as any.
sleep well, ya'll.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:44 AM :::

Thursday, March 24, 2005 :::

devil jin and emo adium

like I promised earlier, a screenshot:

::: posted by tinafish at 8:51 PM :::

I can tell you're disappointed

I've got a screenshot for you, but my server's giving me garbage atm, so I can't upload it just yet.
but no worries - I'll keep an eye on it and upload it as soon as I get the chance.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:37 PM :::

/me loves parrot boy forever

I actually got to work a bit early today.
and guess what I found next to my ipod!
erm... where I put my ipod when I sat down.

so anyway.
parrot boy left a mt dew bottle cap for me!
1 free song!
I'm ~so~ excited.

/me dancing around in underwear.

what to buy... what to buy...

::: posted by tinafish at 4:35 PM :::

take me away video game character!

me, the anarchist hippie, doke, and doke's friend (we'll call him mr. potato head) all spent most of the night playing video games.
well, both the anarchist hippie and mr. potato head left ~ 0300.
doke and I stayed up and played some more tekken. we played in arcade mode, to earn gold to customize the characters.
I spent pretty much all the money I'd acquired over the course of owning the game customizing... you guessed it, devil jin.
/me drools

funny thing is - for about 60 matches or so doke and I couldn't see a pattern to our ranking.
it was like... one minute we were 3rd kyu and the next we were 8th kyu, then up to 2nd kyu, then back to beginner.
I was like, "is this ranking system some kind of sick joke?"
with promotion matches being fought seemingly sporadically, it was an emotional rollercoaster!
'till it occurred to me that the rank was probably associated w/ the character we were fighting with.
and it's true.
it took a while for me to make the connection... in my defense, I'd had a slurpee (sp?).
not just ~any~ slurpee, though. it was a mt dew slurpy.
when we got back from 7-eleven I poured about a fourth of a bottle of parrot bay into it.
the anarchist hippie put malibu in his.
... which reminds me - I'm still out of crown.

but drunken video games are awesome! I played some soul calibur (in keeping w/ tradition) w/ the anarchist hippie 'till doke & mr potato head got back. he and I were playing w/ infinite health - 'till ring out. It was great fun... only... it took a helluva long time.
still great fun, though.
then the guys got back and the 4 of us took turns.
also the anarchist hippie and I had played some tekken 5 not too long after he came over... he's crazy, ya'll.
he was playing as law and I was playing as devil jin.
it was awesome.

and here's a big surprise - my highest ranking tekken character is steve fox atm.
wierd, since I don't usually even play w/ the guy.
but he's a trooper; I played about 20 matches straight w/ him.
so I'm tipping my hat to my friend DF, who regularly plays w/ steve.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:44 AM :::

Happy Birthday Mister Squish

today is squishy's birthday.
I miss him.
but I know he's happier with david - he's got a yard and a dad who loves him and can afford to spoil him.
me? I live in a 2 bedroom apt... and it's not exactly the nicest complex in town.

I thought about trying to get in touch w/ david, to work out some sort of visitation.
I don't think I'm ready.
I mean, I freaked out pretty badly when I saw him mom not too long ago.
I can't hardly imagine the mess I'd be if I had to talk to him again.

actually.. I can imagine.
and I don't need that right now.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:27 AM :::

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 :::

copy cat

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

I'm so bored.
too bad I'm not sleepy.

oh and be warned - madd popups at the quiz site.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:12 AM :::

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 :::

/me loves dirty dan

I sure miss the little fella!

::: posted by tinafish at 9:49 PM :::

fond memories

that just reminds of the anarchist hippie. both he and I do tend to wear shirts 'cause of what they say, ya know?
speaking of the anarchist hippie, he came by my apt today. I'd lent him my vhs of the crow and he stopped by to return it.
also he was bitching that I'm still not listening to as I lay dying.
/me rolling eyes

I really wanted some raveoli, but we couldn't find the can opener.
so using a knife and a hammer we proceed to get halfway around the lid, when lus calls.
I passingly ask him if he knows where my can opener is... and turns out he does. Apparently the night we made the chicken pot pie he put the can opener in the ~only~ shelf I didn't look in today.
so we get the can open half due to the knife and hammer and half due to the can opener.
great fun.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:38 PM :::

this image has been removed for security reasons

so I just found out one of my nephews is in the hospital.
half dead, apparently.
it's weird. For the first time, I'm able to see my brother as a father.
it's changing my perception of him... I'm gonna hafta chew on this for a while.

lus and I ~finally~ went to his gym last night.
he like... didn't believe me when I told him my arms were really hurting.
like... I dunno... guess he expected me to be making faces and such.
but my arms - like... here's the conv that was going on btwn me and my arms:
      me: 10 more reps.
      my arms: fuck you tina.
      me: 8 more reps.
      my arms: no really, fuck you tina.
      me: 6 more reps you lazy bastards
      my arms: fucking nazi!
      me: 4 more reps and then you can fall off, for all I care.
      my arms: that's it. we're on strike.
      me: 2 more reps is all I'm asking for.
      my arms: fuck you. we're leaving.
and they did. no really. atm I'm typing w/ my mind!

so anyway... after all the garbage my arms were giving me last night, they're not even sore today.
Actually I'm not sore at all.
lus is probably gonna kill me when/if he reads this, but it's true.
thing is, last night... we went to ihop after the gym, and I couldn't hardly lift my glass of orange juice.
speaking of ihop... I had... a few eggs when we were there.
ok so I had 10.
but like... I ordered them over medium, right? but like... they cooked them all at once... so they brought me out a huge glob of eggs that looked like the beginning of an egg mcmuffin, paul bunyan's size. thing is, the eggs around the outside were cooked over medium, but the ones at the center were like... mostly raw.

moral of the story: if ordering 10 eggs at ihop, ask that they cook 3 or 4 at a time.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:37 PM :::

Monday, March 21, 2005 :::

I'm just a tool.

/me blushing

so I spent about an hour and change looking for a decent rip of the hand that feeds.
I was looking on poisoned and lus was looking in limewire.
I must've dloaded about 15 diff songs and lus at least 8... and we kept getting told that they were all corrupt.
like... grr d00d.

so after all that time... I get the bright idea to run a search for converting .mov into .mp3 and guess what I find?
apparently all I had to do was drag & drop the vid into itunes...
then choose "convert to aac" and that's that.
now I've got my very own copy of that awesome song!

and it only took 2 minutes to rip it, as opposed to over an hour that I was sifting through p2ps looking for the song.
the moral of the story is: google first before resorting to p2ps.
*fade to black*

::: posted by tinafish at 11:08 PM :::

so this skype thing is kinda cool

so yeah... all of you who've been bitching about me not having a real phone anymore need to dload skype.
this is really cool.
I dloaded it aaaaages ago but haven't ever used it before tonight.

I'm like... ~talking~ to r00 right now!!!

::: posted by tinafish at 10:57 PM :::

omfg I love r00!!!

r00 just linked me to a vid of "the hand that feeds," nin's lastest.
it's really good.
very... rock. or something. not really industrial.
but it's awesome!

/me loves r00 forever

oh and get this - I linked lus to it... and he likes it.
says he: I never liked NIN until this moment. �Thanks for the indoctrine.


::: posted by tinafish at 8:48 PM :::

fuck you hippie!

I had a really wonderful lunch this afternoon.
the anarchist hippie and I went out for tacos this afternoon.
and it was ~great~ fun.

the anarchist hippie messaged me as soon as my status went from *asleep* to "I'm at home. the door's open 'till I fall asleep. feel free to come by." asking if I'm at home (I laughed) and then disconnected.
he was in my living room when I got out of the shower.
we decide to go out for tacos, since he loves tacos... and I chose rosita's, since he'd never been there.
we proceed to drive all the way down 4th st to Ave A, then hang a right... and I've never tried to get to rosita's this way... so I'm not sure if it'll work... or if they're even open...
we see a train stretched across the street, and I'm thinking I should've gone down 19th or 34th instead of 4th, but then we noticed it's on a bridge so we keep going.
a few blocks later there's a semi unloading at some building, but he's stretched across half the street. we get in the suicide lane to drive around him... and there are 2 sheriffs just cruising around along w/ us.

finally we find the place.
when we walked in, there's this mirror behind the register... and the anarchist hippie said, "tina there's this chick that looks just like you, and that d00d's got my tshirt!" I call him a tool and we go sit down.
when we got served our chips and salsa I asked our waitress about the seasoning... and she went into detail when she was telling me about it.
then when she brought us our tacos I said, "TACOS!!!!" kinda louder than I had intended...
I made a complete mess of eating my tacos. the anarchist hippie was giving me garbage - saying I look intently at my taco as if telling it I'm going to eat it, then I look intently at him as if telling him I'm going to eat it, then I look back at my taco intently and proceed to eat it.
Then halfway through his second taco, when he bites into it... a stream of goo - possibly a mixture of tomato guts and lemon juice - launches out of it, across the table and narrowly misses me. I proceed to almost spew lettuce out of my nose.
then we get to the register to check out, and the waitress launches into a pop quiz about the seasoning she'd told me all about when we'd just gotten there. thing is, I'd completely forgotten. I just kinda stand there w/ my lips parted and say... "salt?"
when we were walking out the door the anarchist hippie notices the vending machine in front of the register, and that it has cigarettes for sale. he about flips out ('cause he'd been ~dying~ for a cigarette all through the meal) and then runs out of the restaurant bitching about how I didn't tell him they were there.

so yes. great fun.
/me loves the anarchist hippie

::: posted by tinafish at 4:26 PM :::

wes craven makes for a good time

so there's this d00d I've been talking to for a while... and I finally met up w/ him tonight.
we met at the pour house, had a couple of drinks, then headed to the theatre to watch cursed.
after the movie I took him back to the pour house (he rode to the theatre w/ me) and we just sat in my truck chatting for a couple of hours.
came back to my apt for a bit... doke seemed to be upset at me when I came inside. I noticed he took his shower curtain and things down... looks like he's already starting to move.
then we headed back to pour house... chatted for about another hour before he decided to go home.
he's gonna be dragging ass tomorrow.

I had a good time. the movie was about what I expected...
he seems like a nice enough guy, which is certainly a nice change.
seems he's a horror movie buff.

I called lus when I got home... he sent me an email detailing a bit of drag racing he did tonight.
and he got caught.
made off w/ a warning, which was awful nice of the cop.
funny thing is... when we were at the pour house we noticed a lot of cops going by.
a ~lot~. not all at once or anything... just we were there before the movie for about 45 mins and must've seen 8 or 9 cops.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:13 AM :::

Sunday, March 20, 2005 :::

it's happened before

and it'll happen again.

lus and I saw this d00d I used to know a couple of years ago; he and I went out a couple of times.
He worked at the hospital, and that was my basis for not seeing him again.
even though he worked in a different department, and a different shift. I refused to date anyone employed by covenant health system. It just seemed like a good way to keep things simple.

we saw him at jfk's last night. w/ his chick.
and lus is friends w/ the guy too, so we went over to say hi.
and the guy pretended he didn't know me.

Now I know this sounds vain, but I ~know~ he remembered me.
I think he was doing it for his chick's benefit.
thing is, it's not like we were boinking at his apt or anything.
we just talked a lot and saw each other at church and had lunch a couple of times.
big deal.

/me rolling eyes
and even though he pretended not to remember me, when I saw his chick in the bathroom, she gave me the stink eye.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:42 PM :::

you ignorant slut

I had a really good time tonight...
lus and I went to pour house ~ 2000 or so for dinner, and stayed 'till ~ 0030.
from there we headed over to JFKs.
we sat at the bay window while lus waited to talk to the manager.
when lus finally was able to him, I stayed at the window... and some d00d came up and started talking to me.
omg he was laying it on thick.
and just a few mins before he came up to me, lus and I were talking about me trying to not be such a bitch, and how it wasn't really working.
so this kid comes up to me blah-blah-blah-ing, and in an effort to not be such a bitch I decided to talk to him.
it didn't really work, though.
I ended up just laughing a lot.
but I did at least try to be nice.
guess I'll hafta keep working on it.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:41 AM :::

Saturday, March 19, 2005 :::

seeing colors

it's slowed down a lot here, but not enough to where I'd be able to enjoy my book.
so instead of reading, I decided to ~finally~ change the colors on this template.
all the links were blue (from the original kubrick template) and other stuff (my comments and my name and such) were still green (from my first template). and also that annoying original image (again from the orginal kubrick template).
but it's all fixed now.
no more perky green, purple, and maroon.
now it's grey and purple, for the most part.
so let me know what you think.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:30 PM :::

I'm pulling a dante

if ya'll don't get that reference, then you MUST watch Clerks.
/me commands you

work has been brutal.
I don't usually work saturdays, but since the jesus fan is still doing the whole mission trip thing I'm here.
I've ~literally~ been on the phone for the last three and a half hours.
seriously - how do these people know that we're open today?
I brought one of my books (which I mislinked you to yesterday - I actually bought thus spoke zarathustra, not basic writings of nietzsche, just in case you care) but I haven't even had the chance to think about reading it.
/me sigh

And I've been trying fairly hard, yet unsuccessfully, to dload a copy of "the hand that feeds," nin's new single.
I really wanna listen to it, but I can't think of a good reason to go through so much trouble. I mean, I'm gonna buy the album, no doubt... but it's not released 'till may 03. guess I really just wanna listen to the song now.
I got an email saying I could listen to it at, but it doesn't seem to like safari.
guess I'll try it in ie in a few, and if that doesn't work... well since I'm at work I can try it on a windows machine.
I'll keep ya posted.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:31 PM :::

Friday, March 18, 2005 :::

back to books

Lus and I went to tokyo for lunch today.
the food rawked, btw. delicious as always.
I love eating there, but I always end up spending so much money.
it's one of those japanese places where they cook in front of you.
and see... I spend a lot of money there 'cause the tip you leave is split btwn the waitress and the cook.
So I always end up leaving a $20 tip, or something outrageous like that.
today I controlled myself, though.
I wish it had lasted.

After lunch I had wanted to go buy more minutes for teh crap prepaid phone, but I rememberd that I'd been wanting to check barnes & noble for the ultimate hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.
So we stopped by there. Just to see if they had it in stock.
We proceeded to spend 2 hours there.
I finally ended up buying on the shoulders of giants, basic writings of nietzsche and the catholic study bible.
the cable's getting cut off next week, and living by myself I won't be able to afford it. So I've decided I'm gonna go back to reading.
I haven't done much of it lately - when doke and I ~really~ weren't getting along I'd either go out, go to sleep, or read a book. I've not read anything but star trek books in a while, though.
guess we'll see how this goes.

OMFG. I just threw a pen at jordan's ear (he's hunched over his computer sitting @ ~ a 90 degree angle from me) and tim (who's sitting btwn us) just reached out his hand and blocked it.
he's back to being my bacon.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:39 PM :::


so vanilla vodka + low pulp orange juice = awesome screwdrivers!
great fun.

Javier came over, and so did lus... and the 4 of us ended up just chilling here watching family guy, the game, and freddy vs jason.

wow I'm sleepy.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:49 AM :::

Thursday, March 17, 2005 :::

uh oh... I have a trojan.

so um....
yikes and all.
I only run scans once a month or so. since... you know... there are no viruses for macs.
milkdud's convinced I gave it to him.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:52 PM :::

have you ever been on a bad date?

so according to the guys I work with I'm not the uh... most sympathetic person.
I like to think that it's more me not wanting to lead some poor guy on.
but according to the guys, I'm a helluva lot closer to the "fuck you asshole" bit than the "I'm trying to be nice" section, which are at either ends of "being straight forward and honesty."

so anyway.
we're eating cookie dough.
I still haven't decided if I like it or not.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:28 PM :::

happy st patrick's day!

I'm such a bum. I've been up for the last few hours, just lounging around.
I had planned on taking my ps2 & a few tekken games over to my sis's house to play w/ my niece & nephew.
but noooooo I didn't go.
I went to bed really early last night, and I rolled over really early this morning... but that's about where my energy ended.
I showered and then proceeded to lay on the couch & watch star trek.

I'm meeting this guy calvin for lunch today.
guess we'll see how that goes.
I'd like to say I'm gonna head over to my sister's after lunch, but chances are I'm gonna end up coming home and taking a nap before work.

wow. vedek/kai opeka is such a bitch.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:10 AM :::

I hate prepaid phones

I've never seen Mr. Koolaid before, but lus was describing him to me a few nights ago.
and just now, I'm watching that episode of family guy where peter is on welfare.
near the end the entire family, one by one, is saying, "oh no!" when mr. koolaid comes busting through the wall saying, "oh yeah!"
so now I've met mr. koolaid.

I've spent the last hour and a half... near two hours... talking to this d00d, james.
he seems like a really cool guy.
only he works days.
that seems to be a recurring issue for me, eh?

ooh! I just saw a commercial for tekken 5!

::: posted by tinafish at 1:27 AM :::

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 :::

sounds like a plan to me!

so I'm gonna go out to wayne's (a liquor store) and buy a big bottle of jagermeister.
then a case of red bull.
and you're all invited to come over to my apt for drunken tekken!

arcade mode.
winner takes a shot.
loser gets replaced by another player.
round and round it goes, 'till we're all drunk.

either that or I'm gonna head out to the pour house.
I'd really rather do drunken tekken, though.
depends on if I can find anyone to come over.
'cause playing drunken tekken by myself is no fun.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:55 PM :::

as much as I love him, he's still a dick.

yes, I'm talking about Lus.
the little turd - he's sitting next to me on the couch eating animal crackers. he pulls out a cookie, tries to decide if it's a gorilla or not, and he holds it up to my face to compare.
the little ass.

So I'm making a chicken pot pie.
wish me luck, ya'll.
it's in the oven atm, but I'll let ya know how it turns out.

We went to pour house tonight.
I had a few jagerbombs, and overall just enjoyed the evening.
lus is abstaining from drinking atm, so I didn't really have a drinking buddy.
hayden took a shot w/ me, though... so I guess that's something.

and I'm ~finally~ doing laundry!
clean clothes for me!
only... I'm not sure where I'm gonna put it all.
guess I'm not used to having so much clean clothes.
I'm gonna have a helluva time deciding what to wear in the morning.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:48 AM :::

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 :::

so I've got good posture....

it's snowing today. apparently it snows in march often here.
work has been...

I'm going to pour house tonight w/ lus for a while.
gonna have a few jagerbombs and then probably watch some movies.
he's still gotta close out his tab from sometime last week.

it's really cold today.
I'd better go turn my truck on.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:30 PM :::

that'll do, pig

so that's it for my photos for a while. I'll take a look at it again when I get to work, to see how it looks in ie and at a higher resolution. again, input is always welcome.

I've gotten some interesting views on the whole age thing I talked about earlier.
I dunno. I still just don't know.

So I went out w/ this d00d keelon earlier. he's a nice enough fellow, really.
We drove around for about half an hour - up and down 34th street - looking for rosita's.
no luck. and I'm still pretty bummed about it.
guess I'm gonna have to drag lus out sometime to show me where it is.
they have ~amazing~ tacos, ya'll.

I had the weirdest dream last night... I didn't even remember having it 'till I got to work.
seeing the duct tape on the carpet is all that jogged my memory.

well methinks it's nappy time.
/me yawn

::: posted by tinafish at 4:09 AM :::

Monday, March 14, 2005 :::

next on my to-do list:

an FAQ.
It seems people keep thinking lus is my bf. He's not, ya'll. Lus is my best friend irl.
and I guess it'd be nice to not have to keep telling people I'm from the RGV but lived in Houston for a year, and then moved to Lubbock.
Lord knows I mention enough guys on here to confuse even the most committed friend.
what else should I put on it, though?
guess my job. and what I want to do.
hobbies and stuff? that's on my profile already.
and I've got that ghey questionaire that is supposed to give you insight into who I am. Only I filled that out aaaages before I started this blog. Course... that's not quite as long as going through my archives, eh?
/me thinking
I could always talk about favorites... favorite book, favorite movie, favorite song...
yeah. I think I will do one.
after I finish working on the photos index.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:48 PM :::

drumroll please

so I finally got that index page up.
check it out: photos
I've still gotta change the thumbnail size, instead of just resizing the image. that should speed up the loading time.
aside from that I think I'm pretty happy with it.
as always, I'm open to suggestions.
(that means use that link down by my name)

guess I'll start working on cropping those thumbnails.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:59 PM :::

it's not a job interview

but it may as well be.
I mean, what exactly should I be looking for in the guys I date?
I've noticed that I'm still clinging to this idea of who I'm looking for.
and it's rather unfair.

I used to require 3 things from each guy before I'd even consider dating him.
must be taller than me. must have strong religious views. and must not drink/smoke/do drugs.
and now?
well... I still want someone taller than me. and I still want strong religious views. but what else? I'd like to say I'm still sticking to the whole no drinking/smoking/doing drugs... but I mean, I drink and smoke now. and I've not gone out and hurt anyone. So I guess drinking and smoking is ok... but still no drugs.

what about age?
My best friend irl is 13 years older than me. r00 is 5 years older than me. david is 6 years older than me. All my sisters are at least 20 years older than me. One of my best friends, Rob, is younger than I am. And another close friend of mine is exactly my age (born on the same date, no joke).
In spite of the actual number, these are all people I consider to be my age.
I dated this guy jeremy for a while. he's 7 years older than me, but it was such a big difference. He'd already graduated, spent some time backpacking in europe, and had a real job. He had a career, rather. And a house, with a yard that he cut on the weekends. We had a lot in common, but omg he was older than me. Ya know?
So I guess age ~is~ just a number, and it depends more on the lifestyle the person lives.

And I'd been flirting w/ the idea of not dating outside my os.
I don't really see that happening. It's come up that a lot of people still use dial up. atm I guess I'm still wigging out about that.
guess I didn't think anyone our age would use such a slow connection.
it's creepy.

on a lighter note, milkdud's gone and gotten his tongue pierced.
he sounds like... well... he's got a lisp. and his tongue is swollen.
so he's having to relearn how to talk and eat and such.
and atm he's taking pictures of his tongue w/ his phone.
but he's a sweetie.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:32 PM :::

cherry limeade chilled to perfection

lus bought 4 six packs of ibc's cherry limeade at walmart last night.
we put them in my bed, 'cause there was a car parked too close to open my third door.
when we got back to my place we forgot about the sodas in my bed.
we came in and jacked around... I didn't remember about the sodas 'till after we'd been here about an hour and a half.
since it was 38 degrees outside, he just said that he'd left 'em out there to chill.
fast forward to today.
now a while ago we went to josie's (a mexican restaurant) for brkfst/dinner - @ ~ 0330 or so...
we took his car, and blah blah blah.
he was fussing about how I don't have hardly anything to drink... when I remembered he'd left his sodas in my bed!
so we reach over and grab all 4 six packs and bring them inside.
and let me tell you, they are good.
I love cherry limeade.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:36 AM :::

/me loves adult swim

family guy is on... and robot chicken is up next... and the venture brothers come on @ 0230.
lus is coming over in a few, and we're supposed to go out for dinner... but I wouldn't mind just vegging on the couch.

I watched that cannibalism thing lus had been talking about. He said it was coming on @ 1900 but looks like it was rebroadcast @ 2300.
it was pretty interesting.. I wish lus had been here to watch it too.

ooh I wanna go to rosita's.
maybe I can talk him into us going there instead of ihop.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:15 AM :::

Sunday, March 13, 2005 :::

almost sleepy time

I'll be going to bed soon... me and lus have been up all night watching movies.

we made a walmart run earlier, for some godiva ice cream.
thing is, apparently wlamart no longer carries godiva ice cream.
so we grabbed assorted things. I feel like such a responsible person.
Instead of buying that nin poser I'd been wanting, I went ahead and bought stuff to eat at home with.
I bought... cereal and milk, turkey, chesse, and bread for sandwhiches... and strawberries.
And I was mostly really responsible... aside from the dozen donuts we picked up at krispy kreme, and the strawberry boston creme pie, and um... the box of eclairs.

so um...
it's cold out. really windy too.
some weather, eh?

::: posted by tinafish at 9:24 AM :::

Saturday, March 12, 2005 :::

but her boobs are really big

so I'm watching barbed wire... it's the movie w/ pam anderson... only I'm still not sure if this is a movie or a porn.
her acting is ~really~ bad.
/me shrug

so I'm having a really great weekend.
I broke a date last night... went to bed absurdly early.

aj came over for a bit today. we played a bit of tekken before he went to work.
apparently his chick is out of town, so we may be going out tonight.

lol - funny thing happened this morning.
I woke up w/ lus knocking on my wall. So I stumbled out of bed and let him in... I remember thinking he got a new jacket.
when I sat down on the couch I remember thinking that it was cold, so I covered up w/ doke's blanket.
next thing I remember is doke waking me up and taking me to bed.
apparently he stayed 45 mins or so... was talking to me, sat on me in an effort to wake me up... ended up talking to doke...
and I don't remember hardly an of it.

well I'm either gonna order a pizza or open a can of raveoli.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:57 PM :::

Friday, March 11, 2005 :::

t3h sexXxy

so mister rob smith is such an awesomely awesome person!
and �ber sexxxy too!

not just cute to look at, but has nice tshirts as well.
.oO(guess that makes up for not liking nin)

::: posted by tinafish at 6:56 PM :::

fuck you use you scar you break you

I've ~really~ gotta start going to bed earlier.

My friend DF came over last night to play tekken w/ me... and the anarchist hippy showed up just for kicks, so the three of us went around play each other.
lol - DF's new favorite character is Wang. lol
um... funny thing. DF was playing set to 150% handicap, and I was playing at 75% handicap... and I'd like... forgotten. and I couldn't figure out why he kept pwning me. lol
DF left ~ midnight, and me, doke, and the anarchist hippy just sat around shooting the bull. the anarchist hippy left about 0130 or so...
then doke and I just sat around shooting the bull. I went through all my pics from thanksgiving w/ him... that was great fun.
Lus showed up ~ 0245, fresh from his gig. he had a really good time, and I'm glad. I ended up not heading out there (as you might have noticed) but I was there in spirit.
then the three of us sat around talking and such 'till doke went to bed at ~ 0530 or so...
lus and I watched Splendor in the Grass. then we went to Montelongo's for lunch.
I saw my priest there... I love that man. He calls me "mija," which is short for "mi hija," that translates literally to "my daughter" but really just means "little girl." It's the sweetest thing, really. And it's so nice to hear someone who actually speaks spanish as their first language... so they don't completely butcher everything they say.

And now I'm at work. I just said my neck hurts, to which the chach replied, "put pillows on your headboard."
the ass.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:56 PM :::

Thursday, March 10, 2005 :::

"ya'll are making this up"

we ordered pizza tonight - tim got a sausage & tomato, and I got a pineapple & mushroom.
we offered thomas (our owner) some, and when he asked what kind we have we told him.
he's like... "ya'll are making this up."

so yeah... pizza is good.
just wish I had some bawls.
and a lan party to go to.

erm... I wish I had a lan party to go to.

*cough cough*

I finally slept last night, but I'm still sleepy atm.
guess I'll go back to eating pizza.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:19 PM :::

lazyhead and sleepybones

so I did actually keep to my word and go to bed early last night.
I crawled into bed a little before 0200 and I've just now woken up.

and just in time, too.
I've been exhausted all week, partly left over from last weekend... ok probably mostly left over from last weekend.
and this weekend is almost here!

I think lus is playing somewhere tonight and tomorrow night...
I don't really remember. I should probably ask him.

roflmao - rob is such a goober.
he just told me that I should go visit him because it's cheaper for women to fly.
in the next second he said, "ok i made that up"
he's such a tool.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:48 PM :::

Wednesday, March 09, 2005 :::

I'm serious this time

I'm exhausted. more than I was yesterday.
so I'm gonna go home and go straight to bed.
/me yawn

aw. enya just came up.
I love this song.
it's so... I dunno... calming.

So I'm seriously gonna excersize control over my spending habits.
like um... I'm going to refrain from going out and stuff.
'cause I've gotta make rent & bills.

this is gonna suck.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:26 PM :::

oh but there ~is~ intimacy on the net

lus and I have discussed internet rltnships more than once. he doesn't think that my friendships w/ people online are... palpable. Like... he just doesn't understand how I can consider people I've never met irl to be my closest friends.
but it's true.

my oldest friend that I talk to on a regular basis is my friend Rob. I've known him for 5 years now... but I've never met him irl. We cam fairly often, and we chat mostly every day...
and that may not seem like much... but lately... well I went to jr high in the town I'm from, high school in a town 40 miles away, went to houston, then back home, then here... it's really hard to keep in touch w/ everyone.

I met lus a while after I moved up here.
he's the best friend I have irl, and I've known him for... maybe 2 and a half years.
and we're pretty close, ya know?
but I tend to have issues w/ opening up irl.

I've been trying to convince rob to come visit me.
he said earlier that I don't even know him.
and that stung.
mostly 'cause it's probably true. He and I were really close up until david & I started dating. since then he's had a serious gf, and my whole outlook on life has changed.
so he's right.
and that makes me sad.

I think at this point slave may be my best friend, just 'cause even now we have so much in common. I've only known him for ~ 2 years, but we have a really good friendship.
only... I know I'm not the person he calls his best friend.
I don't think anyone would call be their best friend.
and that more than stings.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:20 AM :::

Tuesday, March 08, 2005 :::

the lesser of three evils

I love the guys I work with, but sometimes they can be such asses.
and I mean asses in a good way.
like a "ha ha you're such an ass" way.

anyway. we talk a lot of garbage and jack around all the time... and one of their favorite things to do is close a glass sliding door so one of us will walk into it.
see... we're the last ones there... after our owner goes home most all the lights in the building are off, except 2 - one in the actual tech support room we all sit in, and the lights in the hallway. only... to get out of the building I have to walk from our room down the hall, through 2 dark rooms, through the sliding door, and through the 2 front office rooms. then out the front door.
so it's really dark and ~very~ easy to not see that the door's closed.
all 3 of the guys (the jesus fan, the chach, and the married d00d) have all walked into it before.
because of what's happened to each of them I always grope around when I get to the door, to be sure it's open. I usually leave earlier than the guys, so it'd be me that walks right into it.

So I'm leaving... walking down the hall hollering 'good night' to the guys... through the 2 rooms, and I grope when I get close to the sliding door. but I don't slow down this time... I was the last one up and about since I was vacuuming, so I guess I didn't feel the need to stop & then grope.
so I end up hitting my hand really hard agst the glass, 'cause one of the little asses closed the door.
guess I should be thankful it wasn't my face that hit the glass.

so there I am, trying to decide which one did it.
tough. here's what they've all done:
the jesus fan - he's always giving me wet willies, and today he poured water on my head & scared the crap out of me while I was vacuuming
the chach - mostly harmless. he just talks a lot of garbage... and doesn't ever intervene
the married d00d - scared the crap out of me while I was vacuuming... on more than one occasion.

so I'm wanting to accuse aaron, but he's sitting there reading his bible.
the other two... looked more suspicious.

but looks can be deceiving.
as I was leaving (for the second time) aaron confessed.
the little turd.

I love the guys, but I tell you... they can be such asses.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:53 PM :::

you don't suck at life - just tekken

lus coined that phrase last night.
I was giving doke shit about being a very efficient player (meaning he dies really quickly) when I told him, "you suck at life."
to which lus responded, "you don't suck at life - just tekken."

my buddy forsaken just left.
he come over ~ midnightish... we were supposed to go out to BWW for dinner & to watch rj play.
but I was really wanting raveoli, so we ended up making a walmart run instead.
when we got back I heated up a big can of raveoli and we began playing tekken!

I had a lot of fun.
not only was I eating delicious raveoli goodness, but I was also unlocking tekken characters!!!
he kept wanting to play soul cal 2 to romp me, but I resisted.
a girl's got her pride, you know.

I talked to slave for a bit earlier.
he's back to being really worried about me.
I worry about him.
I wish him the best, I really do... just I think he deserves better than the chick he has now.
not my place, I know. but it's still how I feel.

and fucking r00.
I got an im from him last night saying:
      the force is strong in this one... but the tekken skillz are lacking...
/me loves r00 anyway

::: posted by tinafish at 4:13 AM :::

Monday, March 07, 2005 :::

and now to show my suicidal flair

some guy messaged me, and his favorite quote is, "No vemos las cosas como son, las vemos como somos."

that's just been bouncing around in my head since I read it.
it reminds me of this poem by neruda... methinks it's called con mis ojos abiertos, but I'm not sure. it's in spanish, and I've never actually read it. DF told me about it...


I dunno... methinks I'm just kinda depressed at the moment.
the whole roommate thing, and the way things have been going w/ guys that I talk to...
and the reason I'm trying so desperately to stay single.


we told rj we'd go watch him play @ BWW tonight.
I dunno if I really wanna go.
I'd rather just go to bed... but if I end up staying home most likely I'll take to playing tekken again.
and smoke another pack and a half.
my room smells ~so~ gross.

::: posted by tinafish at 7:52 PM :::

the jesus fan was right

the couch he gave me ~is~ comfy.
it's put RJ to sleep 2 nights in a row, and Lus is crashed on it now.
I'll be taking him home soon, though.

We put up my contemplation poster last night... I've still gotta put up the nin and the boondock saints posters.
I'm ~really~ tired right now.

beefcake came over last night... we played tekken from ~ 1700 'till 2330... only taking a short break for dinner @ spankys. And they have ~awesome~ burgers there.
We unlocked 3 characters... and Jinpachi (or something... heihachi's dad) is a tough act to beat.
for the second character we took a couple of jagerbombs to get our spirits up... the boss guy is just really hard to beat.

after he left doke & I played for a few hours... unlocked a few more characters... 4 I think. And the boss guy is just getting tougher and tougher to beat. I think it may be that since we're now using characters we're not too familiar with... or maybe it is just getting harder.
we spent ~ 45 mins trying to beat heihachi's dad w/ anna. and omfg she is ~such~ the ho.
but I digress.

Lus came by ~ 0330. we talked for a while... then the three of us gamed for a while. we unlocked 2 more characters... and then spent a while trying to unlock one last one before we went out for brkfst.
we ended up not leaving 'till ~ 0645... and we hadn't unlocked that last character.
we went by his dad's shop to clean up a bit. we talked about stuff... lost love and such.
he said that he feels he and I have nothing in common... and I wanted to argue w/ him... but I couldn't.
when I take the time to really think about it... really we just both like shots of special reserve. and we've both been torn to bits by our significant others.
misery loves company, I guess.

then rj called saying he was on his way to work, so we stopped by denny's to brighten his day.
rj seems like a nice enough guy... and he needs a place to live for a while.

I talked to the apt manager today. I understand now what doke meant when he told me about their conv.
the apt manager seems like a nice enough guy... just... yeah. he's not gonna help me out. I figure it's cause he's got rules to go by too, but it'd be nice of him to cut me a break.
turns out what doke meant when he said I couldn't move is that I have to be in the apt at least 6 months before I can transfer... and I'll hafta fill out a new app (meaning also a new app fee)... so I dunno.
and I'll need to leave another security deposit.
guess we'll see.

well I promised myself I'd be in bed by 1100, so I'm gonna take lus home now and keep to my plan.
and he's snoring ~awfully~ loud.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:41 AM :::

Sunday, March 06, 2005 :::

so the rumors ~are~ true...

someone remind me to not tell guys I'm talking to that I love them.
they tend to think that I'm saying I'm ~in~ love w/ them.
and that kinda freaks them out.
hell, that'd freak me out too.

I had a really long day yesterday.
I ended up talking to slave for a while instead of falling straight to sleep, so I only got ~ 2 hours of sleep before I had to be at work yesterday.
after work I'd planned on taking a nap, but I ended up wigging out for a bit.
I talked to doke for a while... it was weird. it was like we were friends. he listened, and offered some support, but he didn't draw any conclusions.
then lus came over... and I poured up some shots and had a smirnoff... felt like an alcoholic since it was only 2000.
then we headed over to speeds. had another shot and another smirnoff.
then we went to Gardski's (I think that's what it's called) for dinner. I had a Monte Christo Sandwhich. and it was ~amazing~. breaded & fried (I think) and comes w/ rasberry jam. OMG. if you ever get the chance stop by there and have one.
then we went to pour house... and took a cab from there to JFKs.
I took a nap on the way, and for whatever reason it completely sobered me up.
I ~really~ didn't wanna be there; I was running on fumes. I made a few phone calls, but I didn't have any luck getting a ride home.
so I drank a bit more, woke back up, and had a pretty good time.
we took another cab at closing... and our cab driver was ~weird~. seriously. like... a recovered alcoholic who is now a mental patient.
RJ came over... and fell asleep on the couch. again. like he does every time he comes over.
lus & I watched a bit of clerks... then I called it a night.
I was dragging some serious ass... more and more as I sobered up.
he gave me the whole guilt trip bit, but I am immune. lol. so I went to bed probably ~ 0500, and fell asleep immediately.
woke up ~ 0630... called lus once I realized he wasn't here anymore... talked to him ~ an hour... then went back to sleep.
and now I'm awake!

::: posted by tinafish at 4:22 PM :::

Saturday, March 05, 2005 :::

how much are you willing to risk?

how much, exactly, should I be willing to lose?

have you ever tried dating a friend?
I never have.
the closest I've ever come... was admitting that I wanted to.
he was the closest thing to a best friend I had at the time.
we'd chat for hours every night at work... and for hours during the day when we were both home. we talked about everything... from what we had for lunch to random stories about our childhoods.
our conversations were frank and sincere... for a full year and a half we just got to be closer and closer friends.
then a passing comment...
and my whole view of him changed.
it occurred to me that maybe he was what I was looking for. that he was the lifelong counterpart I'd been hoping to find.
that I still am hoping to find.

me: this whole friendship you and I have
���it's some thing I don't want to lose
���but for the chance
���ya know?
him: yeah
���by the chance, you mean to see if there's something more right
me: the chance to find the love I've been waiting for
him: I know exactly how you feel

sounds like a step in the right direction, eh?
things went to shit in every possible way just a few months after that conv.
we both were forced to make choices we'd been avoiding.
and I was wrong.

I risked everything.
and I lost it all.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:40 AM :::

Friday, March 04, 2005 :::

*staring blankly at wall*

I've been awake for a while.
understatement of the week.

I went over to my sister's after work to grab some drill bits, and kurt called just as I was leaving there to come back home.
so I headed over to his place instead, and got kinda lost along the way.
he's kind of an ass, but not necessarily in a bad way.
mostly just sarcastic... kinda playfully ragging on me the whole time.
I ended up chilling w/ kurt 'till ~ 0145... just watched tv and talked.
I like him. just he does the whole, "how would you feel if... " bit.
he kicked me out when I started dozing. sometime after family guy.

then I stopped by the hospital. and I've been there since.
now I'm gonna snooze a bit before lus comes over in the morning to play tekken 5.

also tomorrow I've gotta stop by the post office for another poster...
and I'd like to bring the loveseat over too.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:54 AM :::

Thursday, March 03, 2005 :::

guess who's got freshly painted nails?

so there's this guy I know from when I was working at the hospital... and since the day I met him he's been trying to get me to sleep with him.
it's pretty funny.
anyhow... for the last couple of years every time he comes into town we get together and he paints my nails.
you'd think, that since it didn't work **read: it didn't get me to bed him** the first 20 times he tried, that he'd stop painting my nails.
but no. he still paints my nails. turns it into this big process.
he does a good job, though.

he's in town for the weekend... for whatever reason. and yeah, he messaged me w/ his intentions while I was in the shower.
I've supposedly got plans for tonight w/ kurt, and lus & I usually jack around fri & sat... so anyway... dog (it's part of his sn; I'm not just calling him a dog) came over for a bit this afternoon before I came to work.
and he made such a fuss about my crappy coffee table.
rofl - I got a splinter in my pinky last night, and dog was making caritas about it.
*rolling eyes*
but I do love it when he speaks spanish.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:34 PM :::

fuck me in my own way

I had a dream about kurt a couple of nights ago.
I rolled over ~ 0300, pulled up adium, set it to show offline contacts, scrolled through everyone 'till I found him, and sent him a message saying I had a dream about him.
he messaged me last night asking what the dream was about.

he was here at my apt, and I was playing tekken.
it smelled really strongly of cloves, 'cause I smoke when I play.
I opened my window and was trying to light some candles, but my lighter's broken.
so he lights the candles, and then he bring the lighter up for the unlit cig I have in my mouth.
there's a soft yellow glow all around, and I can see the flame from his lighter reflecting in his eyes.
and then I woke up.

he's convinced more happened, and I just didn't wanna tell him about it.
and I tried to explain that I'm not shy, just reserved.
like... I try to be cautious. but once I'm comfy w/ you the gloves come off.
I guess what I'm saying is that if my dream had continued I'd have told him.
it's just a dream, ya know?
lord knows I'm straight forward when it comes to most anything... particularly someone I'm interested in.
he doesn't believe me.

and I dunno...
I think playing video games by candle light could be very romantic.
it's loads better than the generic dinner & a movie.
according to me, anyway.
which brings to mind something my buddy forsaken said the other night.
that I've got a whacked out way of thinking.
I tried to argue w/ him about it.... and I still don't think I'm out on the fringes of sanity, but I am willing to admit... I'm an acquired taste.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:17 PM :::

good thing I'm sleepy

the battery on my drill is dead, so I won't be putting together my table after all.
that makes me kinda sad, 'cause I was really looking forward to staining it...
I'm going to bed now.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:11 AM :::

Wednesday, March 02, 2005 :::

Dirty Dan Daily is back!

so dan's blog is up again... now he just needs to actually blog.

work has been fun tonight... milkdud just left.
for the most part it's been busy all afternoon/evening.

and I made coffee again tonight.

so really the only reason I posted is 'cause dan's blog is up again.
check it out.
/me commands you

::: posted by tinafish at 9:00 PM :::

well at least that's done

I've been up since ~ 0630.
and I've had a very productive day.
not really.

I had brkfst w/ my dad... that was fun.
and it turns out he used my left over wood (I made david's table out of oak) to make shelves in a closet.
so I drug him w/ me to home depot so I could buy some wood and pick out some paint.
I chose oak again, and this time they've got it cut into nice little 2' by 4' pieces, as opposed to when I last bought a 4' by 6' piece.

I got all that brought over and sanded, but then I realized I'd lost the pegs for my little mitre box.
so I couldn't cut my wood.
aaron messaged saying it was a good time to grab the couch, so I headed over there.
**thanks again aaron!**
after much struggle we finally got it into the apt.

then I stopped by the leasing office to pay rent, and chatted w/ april a bit.
then the jesus fan & I headed over to a post office to pick up my posters (the ones I ordered from
then I took him home & headed over to home depot to get a new clamping mitre box.

when I got home I started cutting the pieces for the legs, and I just finished cutting the pieces for the trim.
now when I get home all I have to do is put them together.
and stain it.

I better wash up for work.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:21 PM :::

Tuesday, March 01, 2005 :::

lighten up a bit, will ya?

"My brother in-law was not impressed that I had just recently bought a new van with a full-bed in the back. He says to me, 'I cant believe you didn't get a Mercedes Benz.' I said, 'Mercedes doesn't make a van.' 'You obviously don't understand the point of a Mercedes. I've got 3 inch little windshield wipers on my headlights to use in a rainstorm.' 'Oh yeah? I've got a place to fuck your sister.'"
      - Ron White - They Call Me Tater Salad

But then there was the phasers. Now the phasers were just there; you just had two settings � kill or stun, but it should have been a much more amazing weapon, �cause they had very advanced technology. There should have been many more settings, not just kill or stun. Kill, stun... limp- that�s a nice one, isn�t it? All the �Star Trek� people over there with the phasers, and all the people on the planet would be over here, going, �It�s people� invaders! We must get them! Yeah!� (mimes attacking and suddenly limping after phaser is shot) �They�ve set their phasers on limp, oh� Get out of here.�
Or set it on �Bit of a Cough� setting, even lower. (mimes attacking and getting a coughing attack) �Get some Spectrum, quick!�
Or it could have �Depression� setting, that�s, you know, an emotional setting. (mimes attacking and sudden onset of depression) �Oh, bugger! It�ll never work, let�s just� I don�t know, my whole life down the drain� Invaders, invaders��
�Bad Eyes� setting, that could work. (mimes attacking, then veers off) Bear with me, please, I�ve thought of 100 of these.
�Ice-cream Van Nearby� setting, that�s one. (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by buying ice-cream) �Oh, two, three�� (mimes eating ice-cream)
Then you have �Sudden Interest in Botany� setting � (mimes attacking, then getting distracted by a plant) �Ooh! (mumbles) Repot every summer��
�Water in Ear After Swimming�! (mimes attacking, then jumping about to get rid of water in the ear)
Oh, yeah, and finally, this is very totally finally � �Oven Left On At Home� setting. (mimes attacking, then turning around and running in the opposite direction) �Oh, shit!�
      - Eddie Izzard - Unrepeatable

"If an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger changed your life... you might be a redneck."
      - Jeff Foxworthy - Blue Collar Comedy Tour

"Virus = Very Yes"
      - Compy 386 - Strongbad Email 118: virus

::: posted by tinafish at 5:38 PM :::


guess who has a copy of tekken 5!!!

if you guessed ME, you're right!

I may have to call in to work tomorrow...


::: posted by tinafish at 1:42 AM :::