Friday, April 29, 2005 :::

only 2 pages to go

I've spent the last hour or so reading a review of tiger.
for 6 pages or so I was just blindly staring at letters... sometimes able to form words...

so some d00d asked me if I'm going out tonight... I said:
IFF by "going out tonight" you mean "going straight home and sleeping 'till my belly button pops out," then yes.

/me yawns

::: posted by tinafish at 7:25 PM :::

cause I've got a P on my forehead

I'm beat. I slept an hour and a half, at most.
I cleaned up a bit, watched a movie, went to the hospital, went home and cleaned up a bit more... showered & went out for brkfst... then watched hhgttg... got home from that and went to bed... then aj showed up...

I had this conv w/ this fella last night... about God and the Bible and all that jazz. it was weird, 'cause we had pretty much the same things to say.
/me shrug

I watched highlander endgame... I started bawling in that scene where conner & duncan are fighting. And like... right then Lus called... lol.
he was all, "what ~are~ you doing?"
he was calling to ask if my whole invite-the-stargate-kid-out-to-breakfast bit was just a half-baked plan or if I was serious. Now, it ~was~ a half-baked plan, but I was willing to back it up.
so we made plans for brkfst.
I went outside & fixed my rear passenger blinker, then stopped by my sis's to grab my new insurance card.
stopped at the hospital to show her what one of the nurses got me for my housewarming gift (he got me a cute little magnet from fredricksburg) and to shoot the bull for a few hours.
and boy did we shoot it. general gossip and talking with marleen about her options (she's looking to start dating again) - great fun.

doke was at my apt when we got back from brkfst - we chatted for a bit then went to the theatre.
the whole place was full of nerds, so ~naturally~ I looked around for Jordan.
/me giggles histerically
the movie, imo, was: meh.
movies never live up to books, though. it was good enough, I guess.

I finally got to bed about 1330, and I vaguely hear my phone ringing in the living room.
and again.
and again a few more times.
then I hear a knocking on my bedroom window. I open the blinds and see aj standing there.
I let the fella in, and we talk for a while. he's using me to get a chick's pov, which is always kinda odd... but it works, for the most part.
he left for a few, then came back for a while longer 'till I came to work.
I ran through a few highlights of Ong Bak for him... then kicked him out and came here.

oh and yes, it's true - Gizmo has a condo in hell.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:32 PM :::

Thursday, April 28, 2005 :::

my ~favorite~ strip

seriously, this is ~the~ best little gamers.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:43 PM :::

the conclusion

I dunno if you read little gamers, but I've been linking a few strips 'cause they're pretty funny.
I'm seriously hoping this is the conclusion, though... it's getting to be a bit much.

oh and for those of us who aren't incredibly familiar w/ the pr�n industry...
definition number 1 and definition number 2.
(those links are to wikipedia, so it's SFW)

::: posted by tinafish at 6:40 PM :::

supposedly she was a man-hater

milkdud's always got the funniest stories, ya'll.

"the best choice for smokers who worry about their health is to quit.
the next best choice is eclipse."
that's off some label on a pack of cigarettes. I thought it was pretty funny, so I'm sharing it with you.

I got pulled over last night on my way to the hospital.
I had my windows down and was enjoying the warm evening while listening to hurt (Hurt). I see a cop turn around... then pull up behind me. I'm sitting at a traffic light, and when the light turns green the cop turns on his lights.
I decide agst just sitting there, so I take a right and start to pull over... then I see a parking lot so I turn into that and start to pull over... then I decide to pull into a parking spot instead... By the time I finally stopped they had both search/spot lights on and 2 cops get out of the car.
they're shining flashlights into my bed and backseat... then another cop car pulls up and one of the cops goes over to it.
then the cop on my side (the driver side) comes over and starts his spiel.
t3h little copper d00d was all, "blah blah blah license and proof of insurance blah blah."
so I give him my license, and reach over to my glove box to search for my insurance card.
a couple of weeks ago lus left his flask (I'm not sure if it's full or empty or what) in my glove compartment... my sis has given me garbage about it, and I've been meaning to put it somewhere else.
I open the glove box and the flask pops out, almost into my passenger seat.
I laugh, shake my head, and then start looking for my valid insurance card. I come up w/ 3, the last which expired 5 days ago.
I just laugh again, 'cause it seemed funny that I don't have proof of insurance, and this is the 3rd time I've gotten pulled over for my rear passenger blinker being out.
I figure it's about time I got a ticket for it. on top of that there's there expired insurance and the flask.
the copper asks me to come back to his car. I laugh again, thinking about the argument I had with lus (the one about giving head to get out of a ticket), then follow him back to his car.
we sit there and I'm just poking around his car while he's filling out paperwork. we make small talk, and mostly I'm just laughing 'cause it's a warning he's filling out.
Thing that's so funny is, he seems like a good enough guy. He's been polite, and nice enough, tall and gangly too. I laugh some more, 'cause I considered asking if he's got a chick and all, but then I figured he'd think I'm hitting on him to get out of a ticket.
/me shrug
so I didn't. I took my warning and went to the hospital.

Lus gave me garbage for wanting to ask out this rad tech. In the end he asked me to not do it at the hospital.
/me shrug
went upstairs to chat w/ my sis... met some lab d00d she'd been wanting me to meet. one of the nurses had been trying to set me up w/ his best friend for a while now, but I get the feeling that it'd not go too well, and I like this nurse well enough.
d00ds are weird - I don't think he'd still be my friend if things went to shit w/ someone he introduced me too. bros before hos, though. words to live by.

So overall I didn't get much of anything done last night.
I've still not cleaned my apt.
still haven't levelled up in the devil within.
and still don't have a d00d.
at least I don't have a ticket, though.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:13 PM :::

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 :::

he can feel himself getting fat

I just ate about a third of tim's cake.
it's really good... ~very~ rich.
so now tim's fussing about how fat he's getting/gotten, and I was like, "I ~used~ to think you were a d00d."

so like... I half assedly picked out my next bf.
and like... I dunno why I think he'd have me.
but I guess we'll see.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:03 PM :::


I showed this to the guys, and they were like, "omgwtfbbq!"
seriously it's pretty bad, but here goes:

gotta love little gamers.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:35 PM :::

remind me to stop listening to people I don't know

no one told me I misspelled existence in the title.

I stopped by 7-eleven to buy a mt dew, and some chick in the back was telling me how awesome these FUZE drinks are. So I bought one - the "banana colada" flavor.
thing is, it tastes like a watered down virgin pi�a colada.
so it's pretty gross, imho. just fyi.
I tried giving it to both the chach and milkdud, but they had sense enough to decline.

so charlie, of crimson envy, that I mention here commented today. took me a while to figure out where that comment was, since mostly comments are made on the main page and not in archives.
but either way, comments are great.

what else to talk about?
ah yes. I went over to my sis's house last night, looking for I-don't-even-remember-what, but I found The Break Up Box.
it's this box that's inside another box that's inside a bigger box that was kept underneath my bed. it's full of stuff - pictures, letters, a calendar, and assorted other crap I keep 'cause I'm a pack rat.
It's got lots of pics of BoB and I. it's crazy; I was just a kid. And so was he. we're like... two little kids holding hands.
it's funny.

doke came over last night, since his parents' mac mini was giving them garbage. it did something I'd never seen a mac do, then proceeded to boot up just fine.
His identity doesn't have admin rights, and he didn't know his dad's (the admin) password, so we didn't get too far.
I gave him a copy of all my music, but I couldn't authorize the comp to play the stuff since it doesn't have a wireless card & I don't have internet of my own at home. I offered him my airport extreme, but I didn't have any putty knives to get the mini open. so oh well. he deleted it all.
/me shrug

I've been playing The Devil Within (it's an action/adventure game in tekken 5) quite unsuccessfully. I'm at... level 3 stage 3. and trapped, again.
my jumping skills have improved, which is cool... only I still can't level up.
I'm sad about that.
I played survival for a while last night. Christy, who is supposedly my strongest character, only lasted 4 matches. I got to 10 w/ steve (I used him only 'cause.. well... I don't really have a good reason.), then he died. the max money you can win is 500 per match, which kinda sucked... but I guess it's better than nothing.

I'm like... talking to this woman... have been for the last 10 MILLION YEARS!!!
I need a smoke break or something.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:20 PM :::

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 :::

that's why I was calling it the gutter

so I have no idea what "the rodeo" is. or "the angry dragon." or "cat whiskers." or "dolphin."
methinks gizmo's making this up.

/me sigh
so um... dunno if I mentioned it, but Ong Bak is t3h awesome.
that kid can jump ~really~ high.
and like... every time I start talking about the movie, I like... start talking really fast.

/me rolling eyes
aaron's arguing there's a difference btwn killing someone and murdering someone.
/me still rolling eyes

so um... what was I gonna say?
it took 6 minutes for someone to guess the title.
someone won (really - that's all he/she put)

justin came by for a bit last night, to give me my key back.
we watched the tail end of the boondock saints, and the tail end of equilibrium, then he left.
my sis called saying she had the futon in her van, and that she woke up late so she wasn't gonna stop by my apt w/ it.
I got a hold of doke to help me move it, only... I wasn't really feeling so great. we ended up just talking and watching Ong Bak. then talked some more, and then listening to country music.
he says I've already influenced his musical taste enough (now he listens to NIN and man�), but I gave him a couple of country music cds anyway.

on a side note, it is awful difficult to get the accent on man�. had to open up character map, find the �, then copy & paste it. Or I can simply remember that alt+0225 will make it. /me sigh
on macs it's just option+e then the letter you want the accent over.

doke went home ~ 0430. I stayed up a bit... half an hour or so... then went to sleep.
my sis came by this morning so now I've got the futon.
I'm gonna hafta rearrange my living room to make room for it, though.
and I'm ~so~ getting rid of the contemplation poster and getting a reservoir dogs poster.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:02 PM :::

who ~doesn't~ know what bukkake is?

gizmo is sooooooooooooo mean to me. and to people who believe in god.
/me whimper
and for the record, I didn't know what bukkake is 'till I started working here.

I changed the title again.
500,000 points to whoever can name that lyric!

::: posted by tinafish at 4:30 PM :::

Monday, April 25, 2005 :::

blue is my new obsession

I painted my nails last night - this awesome shade of blue that's almost the shade I used to color my hair.

I'm in quite a mood right now... I feel gross and I'm dead tired... but at least my nails look good.
they don't really look good, though... I'm not exactly a girly girl anymore, and I just put obscene amounts of nail polish on my nails, not minding too much if it gets on my skin or not.
usually I'll just paint a mess then take a long hot shower and let the polish on my skin come off then.
only I was in a bit of a mood this morning, seeing how the painters woke me up half an hour into my sleep... I ended up taking a fairly quick shower so I've got this kinda scraggled (there I go making up words again) look.
my hair's a mess too.
come to think of it I look a mess in general.
still thinking of it, this isn't much different than how I normally look.
but I've got an ~awesome~ personality, I swear.

blah (says the jesus fan)

so anyway... I'll be going home after the guys get dinner.
I'm pretty stoked... gonna nap a bit. supposedly justin's gonna give me my key back.
funny thing... it's still 2 months, give or take a week.

I just want someone to hang out with, who likes the same kinda things I do.
dunno why it's so hard to find someone right now.
maybe 'cause I also wanna like the guy, not just be tolerant of him.
/me shrug
think I'll call in a favor, and we'll see.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:05 PM :::

my empire of dirt

my weekend was long and for the most part relaxing.
I got mr. fluffs (my crossdressing 19 year old teddy bear) from my sis's, and I've taken to sleeping with him instead of planet bob.
my sis and I watched movies friday night and saturday morning... we also transplanted my shrub and planted some other flowers in the pot w/ him.
ooh! I watched Ong Bak with lus saturday night... and 2 stargate dvds...
then sunday I watched ong bak w/ my sis... and some highlander movies.

the apt people are painting my building... I crawled into bed ~ 0715, lus woke me up at 0730... I went back to bed... then the painter d00ds woke me up @ 0800.
/me grr
so I'm having a cranky day. tim said I could go home if I finished my project early.
I'm gonna work on it and hopefully go home.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:27 PM :::

Friday, April 22, 2005 :::

questionnaire, v2

aaron sent me one of those friend email things, so I decided to drag this old baby out and give her a facelift.

This is an email that someone sent me and I edited it so that all these answers are mine. Feel free to copy, edit, and email them to me so that I can get to know you...
I don't remember how long ago this was, but sometime around the release of The Eminem Show.

If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?
I'm not sure where... most likely someplace warm and with lots of room. And it's gotta be humid. One thing I hate about Lubbock... too dry.
And hopefully not too far from a beach.

What's your favorite article of clothing?
*shrug* I kinda like this purple shirt I have; I like the material it's made of. I think maybe my favorite shirt is this yellow shirt that kind of looks like a curtain or a couch. :"> Or maybe my Mrs. Potato Head slippers. :">
I love my grey hoodie.

Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
lips. *blushing*
/me still blushing

What's the last CD you bought?
Erm... I bought 4 at the same time... Eminem's latest; the Lilo & Stitch soundtrack; and Disney's Greatest Hits, Vol 1 & 2.
Mudvayne's Lost and Found.
oh I bought 6 garth brooks albums... but those aren't new releases.

Where's your favorite place to be?
I've got this treehouse in my backyard back home. I love to just lay on the roof of it and soak up the sun.
my mom had that torn down... I guess I love going to the pour house... but depending on the crowd I may or may not want to stay long.

Where's your least favorite place to be?
The dentist. *grinning*
heh - "going to the dentist" is what I call having "the talk" with whoever I'm seeing. I ~hate~ that. also I'm not too fond of being at home... mostly just 'cause I've been doing so much of it lately.

What's your favorite place to be massaged?
Um... *shrug* Neck, I guess
I'm really not into letting people touch me... so all I ever get massaged are my back/shoulders/neck.

What's more important, strong in mind or strong in body?
Strong in mind. In this day and age all that really matters is being true to yourself and who you are. You have to be strong enough to deal with the world.
I got it right the first time. word.

What time do you wake up in the morning?
Well, I'm not really on the same schedule as the rest of the world. I work at night and go to school during the day so I tend to sleep in the evening. I usually go to bed @ ~ 1630 and wake up @ ~ 2130.
heh - I'm still not on the same schedule as the rest of the world. only now I sleep from about 08 or 10 to ~ 14.

What's your favorite kitchen appliance?
Um... I don't cook so I'll have to say the microwave. [Except when it becomes the enemy by exploding whatever I'm heating up.]
I am t3h queen of the microwave

What makes you really angry?
Someone who lies. And anyone who thinks I can't do something just because of the way I look.
and anyone who makes generalizations about me 'cause of my gender.

If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
A harp, no joke.
I'd really like to get back into classical guitar, but my first answer still stands

Favorite color?
still purple... with black/gray a close second,

Which do you prefer, sports car or SUV?
If you know anything at all about me, then you know the answer to this. It's all about towing capacity... *grinning*

Do you believe in afterlife?
uh huh

Favorite children's book?
Um... I never was much for Dr. Seuss... I think I'm gonna have to say... *thinking* Are You My Mother?
heh - chronicles of narnia is good, and that's a children's book... does it matter that I didn't read it 'till college?

What is your favorite season?
As long as it's nice and warm I don't care what season it is.
true, but I'm still more of a summer grrl

What's your least favorite household chore?
I refuse to clean the bathroom. I'll sooner put in a new toilet than clean the one that's already there.
I hate them all, really

If you could have one super power, what would it be?
I wanna fly.
I'm leaning more towards fire now.

If you have a tatoo, what is it?
I don't have one, and I'm not sure if I want one. My ex had wanted us to get matching ying~yang tatoos, his being the black part and mine being the white part. That's cool, I think. I've flirted with getting a pair of wings tatooed on my back, but I'm too much of a wuss to ever actually do it. I think I'll get my wedding ring tattoed on my finger... maybe.
still flirting w/ the pair of wings and the wedding ring, but I'm almost certain I won't ever do either.

Can you juggle?
lol. *listening* Am I the only one laughing?
only chat windows

The one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to?
There's a million of them, ya know? My life is full of "what if"s.
eh. /me shrug methinks that was just a cop out, to avoid getting too personal.

What's your favorite day?
Saturday. "Recess" is on.
all my days blend together now... I like the days my friends and my sister don't hafta work.

What's in the trunk of your car?
I don't have a car so I don't have a trunk. In my backseat there are quite a few things... Some toys (my stuffed Heimlich, a beanie baby pug, a Chick-Fil-A cow, a white dog, a beanie baby goat, and my latest addition: Stitch), my brown hat, my green toolbox, a tarp and some other stuff. In my bed there are a few V8 Splash bottles, a V8 bottle, a Cherry Coke container, and some old windshield wipers. Gee, I hadn't realized I was such a slob.
still no trunk and still a slob. in my bed I have some sand bags and loads of empty/old soda bottles and assorted other garbage.

Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
That all depends on where I'm eating sushi at. There's this place in McAllen call Kumori that has great sushi. They've also got great desserts; my favorite is fried ice cream. Mmmm....
man I haven't been to kumori in aaaaaaages. /me drooling

Of the people you sent this to who is most likely to respond?
*shrug* I dunno.
~why~ did I even put this on there?

Who's least likely to respond?
Albert Einstein. He's dead, you know.
lol - I love that answer.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:11 PM :::

darth maul is ~not~ part of mudvayne

I read for a couple of hours last night... then I got bored so I went to the hospital.
my sis was still processing an admit and lus was doing I dunno what... so I stopped in the chapel for a few.

I read a few of the whole "thank you lord..." entries... then I played a bit on the organ (I've not played in years so it sounded pretty bad)... then I sat down and read some hymns.
then I left.

Stopped in radiology to see lus... we got into a fairly heated argument about that girl who gave some cop head to get out of a ticket...
he said I have a very masculine approach to it, and then called me a republican (from lus, there is no greater insult).
I also met the respiratory guy that my sis wants me to date... he's um... he seems like a nice enough kid. a bit vengeful, though. but overall I'd say he's a good kid... just from what I gathered over the 15 or 20 mins we talked.
I hoarded about 20 stickers and 2 boxes of crayons from the "toys" drawer in the radiology core... later up on heart center I traded a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur sticker for an orange... One of the boxes of crayons was made in china and looked, felt, and smelled like play-do. the other box was made in the usa - completely out of soy beans. those felt and sounded like I was using a pencil.
Lus pulled out some magazine asking me about some country singers on the cover... I went into this big spiel and we started looking through the magazine... I pointed out a picture of darth maul, and for ~whatever~ reason lus thought he was a member of mudvayne.
/me shaking head
it reminded me of this one bit of uhhgttg... Ford is telling Arthur something... and Arthur just isn't grasping it... Ford asks Arthur if he's even listening, to which Arthur replies, "I am, but I don't think it's helping."
omg - lus had been giving some chick a ride home, but he didn't want to last night, so he strapped his bicycle to his car, parked a few blocks away, and rode his bike to the hospital. I dunno why he didn't just say, "no, I don't want to give you a ride," instead of all this scheming.

it was 0500 awful quickly, so I ran upstairs to talk to my sis. proceeded to trade a sticker for an orange, and then I went home.
had been half-assedly toying w/ going to blue light tonight to see lus play (this is their last lubbock gig) so I emailed justin... only I figured justin wouldn't be available, so I made plans with my sis.
and I was right. justin's got plans.
fuck him.

Lus and I went out for brkfst... this mexican restaurant named Montelongos. I had margaritas (which differ from chalupas because they have meat on them) and a bowl of menudo.
I think with all the spicy things I've been eating my taste buds have begun to build up a tolerance. I distinclty remember that last time I had margaritas at montelongos my nose was runny. this time, I handled it like a champ.

the cookie lady made rum-soaked-raisin oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
they're really good.
I've had...
a few.
methinks I'll have a few more.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:10 PM :::

so about that asteroid belt...

so I got paid on wed... and I've only got $150 left in my bank acct.
here's what I've been spending my money on this whole month:

half a bottle of whiskey (and assorted other drinks)
the boondock saints (well worth the price)
the ultimate hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy (a bargain, really)
d-link cable modem (wtf?)
a finding nemo snow globe & picture frame (for my sister)
an external drive ($250... geez!)
garth brooks albums (6 of them, actually)
checks (a whole box of 'em)
Ong Bak (can't ~wait~ to see it!)

so um... I guess I really shouldn't be bitching, since I've bought everything but the first item on the list in the last week or so...
/me sigh
seriously, though... this has ~got~ to stop.

on a lighter note - I got everything on my drive backed up to my external.
I'm stoked.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:47 AM :::

Thursday, April 21, 2005 :::

it ~still~ gives me goosebumps...

the great below (Nine Inch Nails) is my favorite song... it's just amazingly beautiful.
I was watching and all that could have been last night...
mostly I was just using it as white noise, since my comp was being uncooperative... but I perked right up when the great below came on.

I'm about done w/ the second book in the ultimate hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy... it's a quick and pleasing read.
not exactly as wonderful as I'd been expecting, since everyone's always raving about it, but no doubt it's good.
thinkgeek's got some cute hhgttg stuff, if you're a big fan.
I, personally, wouldn't mind having this electromagnetic radiation spectrum poster, the invaders stickies, the chicks dig unix tshirt, the digital angel tshirt, or the wardriver tshirt.
but first things first... I'll buy the I do not need mario to save me. from j!nx.

.o(I get sidetracked so easily)

my comp's at home right now... it's been on since 1430 or so... and was still on at 18 when I went home to grab my glasses.
I copied all my music to the external... gonna move everything else when I get home.

::: posted by tinafish at 7:57 PM :::

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 :::

it's addicting...

so I've been looking through wikipedia's content on and relating to tekken, and I've got the feeling it's gonna become a quest of mine.
see... there's so much stuff that's either incomplete, nonexistant, or just wrong... the link for Ogre (which is a character whose dna heihachi is trying to splice with the devil gene to create a super-fighter d00d) goes to Shrek, and there's not even a page for jun kazama (jin's mom).
the fact that there is no page for devil jin has nothing to do with it.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:53 PM :::

$2 worth of pure distraught-ness

so my ibook is not looking good...
she's going into the whole "magic eye" bit in awesome shades of green and purple... kinda reminds me of my last blog template. lol
seriously, though, it makes me sad.
I talked to lus earlier; he's willing to format my external for me tomorrow, and then I'm gonna see how much I can move over.

david fraga came over last night to give me back the chronicles of narnia.
I made some cookies and then we grabbed some dinner while watching the boondock saints.

for whatever reason (probably a manly one) he sat through most of the movie clutching my sword.
I made some fun of him - doing the whole "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." bit from the princess bride.

I bought the ultimate hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy... this awesome leatherbound edition.
it's in my truck atm, and since my ibook is not working and my work comp has nothing useful on it, I'm gonna spend the night reading.
well, 'till I go home, anyway. running on 3 hours of sleep, all I wanna do is lay about napping.

ooh - I wanna get this for my brother...

::: posted by tinafish at 6:55 PM :::

prom night wow

I use my computer to play music while I sleep.
broken computer = no music = my fan and clocks are too loud
I tried to boot it up again when I got home from the hospital, but all that happened was it made a loud wheezing noise and never came on.
I couldn't get to sleep 'till ~ 0700, and my sis showed up at about 0715...
so I slept 'till 1000 instead of 0930.
got up and showered... headed to the mall w/ my sis...
stopped by compusa for an external drive and a crossover cable... then to the disney store for a music box that I didn't know I was paying for...
/me grr

went home again and my sis left... I fell asleep on the couch waiting for dirty dan. I felt like garfield; those sun rays hit me and I was out.

dirty dan came by... and my computer booted up like nothing was wrong.
I tried to get the external drive working... but apparently I need something lower than OS 9.x so I'll be bothering lus later. methinks he's got 8.6, so that should do it (hopefully).
dan and I jacked around talking and all... I restarted my ibook a few times and it was fine...
dan didn't believe me 'till about an hour in my screen started to turn green.
rebooted and it was fine again.
I left it running while we went out for lunch... jason's deli. mmmmmm...
we got back and it was still running fine.

A few days ago I accidently bought the clean version of lost and found (Lost and Found), and dan had the explicit version, so I ripped it.
we talked a bit, and I tried to convince him to read stranger in a strange land.
I don't really think he will. I'd have lent it to him, but lus (who I don't think is gonna read it) has my copy.

so my ibook was working fine up 'till I left my apt.
I'm gonna open it up here in a few and see if it's still working.

oh! about the title... my sis and I were walking through the mall and passed by claire's... I saw a big sign that says, "Prom Night WOW!" only I read, "porn right now!"
I'm just glad I didn't say anything out loud.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:16 PM :::

/me devastated

so I uh... dropped my computer earlier...
and um... I knew it was a bad sign when I got inside and had to boot up my comp instead of just waking it from sleep...
and it made this noise... this unhappy heart-wrenching noise...

I hit shift while booting, which is kinda like safe mode.
after it was mostly loaded the screen turned kinda green and I couldn't really see...
so I restarted again...
only it didn't make it all the way through the startup processes before it wigged out again.
the whole time making that dreadful noise...

/me sigh
I'm hoping it'll boot up in the morning.
if so, dirty dan's coming into town & bringing his router... if I can get it to stay up I'm gonna log in remotely & move what I can to an external drive (that I have yet to buy).
I've only got about 10 or 12 gigs of music on my ipod... in which case I'll lose what's left of the 25 gigs on my drive.

I don't really think it's gonna work, but I'm hoping it will.
I won't be able to afford another comp for 3 to 4 months... so I'll be fucked royally 'till then.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:19 AM :::

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 :::

thanks, ya'll

I've gotten a few encouraging words from you guys... thanks.
seriously, it means a lot.

I ended up just going home last night, and just vegging around.
I'm convinced my neighbor is one of those d00ds that traffics mexicans... like... seriously... there's always so many mexicans around, and they're always knocking on my door by accident.
it's pretty annoying.

I'd meant to go to home depot this morning, for a bigger pot for my plant... but it didn't happen.
I stayed in bed right up 'till I came to work.

I've not really got anything to say.
I mean, I don't usually have anything important to say... but right now I don't have anything at all to say.
here's something to make up for my lack of words today.

::: posted by tinafish at 7:02 PM :::

Monday, April 18, 2005 :::

it's happening... and I'm not ready for it

I had a very interesting childhood. for a variety of reasons, primarily because of post partum depression, my mother and I were never close.
3 of my older sisters raised me... one in particular, though. her name is rosa.
I call her Cammy, short for camar�n, which is shrimp in spanish - 'cause she's shorter than me (she doesn't even break 5') - and she didn't appreciate me calling her Shrimpy in public.
she really did raise me, though... the reason I eat "bland ass white people food" (as lus calls it) is because she's a dialysis patient, and has always been on a diet.
she's been on dialysis since I was... 3. I honestly don't remember her ever being "healthy" or anything other than "sick."
apparently now she's developed chf, and with her already being on dialysis, it's really only a matter of time now.

my whole life I've been told that she's probably not going to live long enough to see me graduate high school. and my parents, both in their 40s when I was born, have been unlikely to see me marry or have children.
it's never really bothered me. the thought of someone dying, that is.
I don't get along well with anyone in my family... mostly because of the whole throwing stones in a glass house bit.
I've always been rather impartial to death... we're all gonna die, and I don't think it's anything to fuss about.
this one year when I was in high school there was a 3 month stretch where I had a funeral to go to every weekend.

So I've grown up being told that the closest thing to a real-life caring mother I've ever had would be dead soon.
more than soon, really. I've learned to expect it.
and I've spent my whole life waiting for it to happen.

she and I don't talk very often. I mean, we do talk, but it's always so impersonal - superficial and empty.
the last real conversation I had with her was when I told her I was engaged for the second time.
she kind of mocked me... and the guy who'd asked me to marry him.
thing is, he's one of my oldest and best friends... and I could never understand why she said what she did. I still don't.
after that happened... I kinda stopped holding her in such high regard.
it was... shattering for me.

I guess what I'm having the most trouble accepting is that she may be gone forever.
I'm a big disappointmet to her... I had such potential, and such hope.
and it's painful to know that she won't live long enough to ever be proud of me.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:14 PM :::

breaking benjamins made an appearance

lus played at bleachers on friday, and I didn't go out there.
I'm ~really~ wishing I did.
lus had an awesome time, and apparently breaking benjamins (who were in town playing) stopped by to see the guys.
supposedly some of lus's band mates, who had backstage passes @ breaking benjamins, invited them over.
and they showed up.

lus has been gushing about it.
I'm really happy he had a good time.
supposedly they showed up w/ roadies and groupies, and even did a sit in.
I'm so sad I wasn't there.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:37 PM :::

somebody ssssssssstop me

I bought a copy of Ong Bak yesterday... it's that foreign film about the thai warrior.
I'm pretty stoked about finally seeing it.
I'm not sure when it'll get here, though.

I found something out this morning, that I'm sure the rest of civilized world already knew, but I ~promise~ it was news to me.
apparently luke & leia are brother & sister - twins, even.
I had no idea.
I didn't find out 'cause I finished watching the movies, but when I was checking for spelling errors this morning I ran a search of leia, and after I published (since lus was a bit late) I read her bio.
honestly I was shocked, ya'll.
I've never pretended I've watched the trilogy, much less that I'm a star wars fan, but that hit me like a ton of bricks.
so now I've made plans to watch all 3 movies tonight after I get off work.

Lus and I had rosita's for brkfst. I felt like I was cheating on the anarchist hippie, but I've not talked to him in a couple of weeks, so there's no way I could've invited him.
I was ~starved~.
seriously - I had the rosita's special (a hard taco, one chalupa, 2 enchiladas, carne guisada, rice, beans, and some salad) and 3 soft tacos. I ate everything, except the enchiladas. they were ~way~ too spicy for me.
When I got back from brkfst I set my plant out and then came back to bed.
and I've been asleep since then.

cheese boy is coming into town this weekend... I'm trying to convince him we should have lunch at rosita's.
it's really good, ya'll.
if you get the chance head out there - it's on 34th at Ave A.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:05 PM :::

well this is odd...

I've not been up this early in aaages. I fell asleep last night while watching a new hope... sometime after han solo kills that bounty hunter, and before they rescue princess leia.
great fun.
now I'm waiting on lus - we're supposed to go out for brkfst.
I'm starved; I tried to find someone to go out to dinner w/ me last night, but it never happened.
this whole justin thing is crap - yeah I'm crazy about him, but a fat lot of good that does if I never see the guy.

::: posted by tinafish at 7:44 AM :::

Sunday, April 17, 2005 :::

/me loves brandon forever

the one and only forsaken himself came over a while ago to help w/ my couch.
his awesomeness (aided only by an ethernet cable) was able to get my
couch folded into itself.
all that's left is for me to take the couch off the cinderblocks, and
put the cushions back on it.
I need to vacuum, though... my living room's a mess.
plus I've not gotten the chance to run over to marleen's to grab the
maybe tomorrow.
for now I'm gonna get to watching the old star wars movies.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:22 PM :::

I think I broke my couch

my sis came over tonight... and we decided to see how the whole fold-out couch works.
after much coaxing (and my sis smashing her fingers) we got it out.
only, there was a lot of effort put into getting the bed out... I didn't really think about it (since we'd never folded out a couch before) until a few mins ago, when we tried to fold it in.
we couldn't do it. so right now my living room consists of a half folded in/out couch, and couch cushions all over the floor.

we just got back from walmart - we ran into CC there. she's such a sweetie, ya'll.
and funny story...
we had been standing around talking for about an hour, when for whatever reason (something I missed, I guess) my sis & CC both ran off down an aisle... my sis is down at the far end w/ these little couch pillow things...
she stuffs 2 into her shirt (they were all lumpy and lopsided) and hollars down the aisle, "just call me dolly!"
I run down towards her and she throws them at me... so then I put them in my sweatshirt and arrange 'em, then zip up.
I turn and walk back towards CC, thrusting my chest out and swaying my hips...
she starts laughing and calling me Pam...
then these 2 college guys walk past and do a double take.
/me sigh
I was ~so~ embarrassed, and none of us could stop laughing.

I bought a little adapter thingy for my ps2, so hopefully now I can plug that into the bigger tv and bring the smaller one back in here.
I also bought the sw trilogy... I'm pretty stoked. and a sith poster.
and I've acquired some more free furniture - marleen's giving me a futon.

speaking of furniture... I'm gonna go back to trying to fold up my couch.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:05 AM :::

Saturday, April 16, 2005 :::

once again you taunt me w/ your beloved sleep

1.) first grade teacher's name: Mrs. Karseno
2.) last word you said: love.
3.) last song you sang: make yourself, by incubus
4.) last thing you laughed at: rob talking about his googling skillz
5.) last time you cried: earlier tonight
6.) what color socks are you wearing: um... my toenails are a green/teal color
7.) what's under your bed?: cardboard poster back I used to draw the directions for my housewarming party
8.) what time did you wake up today: um... I've been up since ~ 1400 thursday
9.) line from the last thing you wrote to someone: much love.

1.) current hair: brown
2.) current clothes: boxers & a wife beater
3.) current jewelry: none
4.) current annoyance: insomnia
5.) current smell: vanilla scented candles
6.) current longing: feel safe
7.) current desktop picture: with teeth promo cover (nin)
8.) current worry: nightmares
9.) current favorite article of clothing: grey hoodie

1.) what is your career going to be? nursing, for now. in the long term I'd like to be a theo prof
2.) if you could live anywhere in the world, where: on the beach, preferably south of galveston
3.) how many kids do you want: 3 or so
4.) what kind of car will you drive: hopefully something w/ 4 wheel drive
5.) You think you will get married? most likely

1.) favorite physical feature on guys: lips
2.) one person you wish was here right now: justin, I guess. or rob.
3.) favorite author: peter david
4.) favorite coffee: don't really care, as long as it's got cream & sugar
5.) favorite smell: cinnamon

1.) do your friends know you: pass
2.) what do they tend to be like: goobers, but that's what I love about 'em
3.) can you count on them: always
4.) can they count on you: hopefully
5.) do you find it hard to trust people: implicit trust is something I don't give easily

1.) last book you read: stranger in a strange land
2.) last movie you watched: crouching tiger hidden dragon
3.) last movie you saw in theaters: ring 2
4.) last show you watched on tv: um... stargate?
5.) last song you heard: victim of circumstance, by joan jett
6.) last thing you had to drink: a liter of code red
7.) last thing you ate: blueberry bagel
8.) last time you showered: about half an hour ago
9.) last time you smiled: not too long ago
10.)last time you were happy: justin makes me stupid happy... does that count?
11.) last person you hugged: justin
12.) last person you danced with: Mike, at Amy's wedding
13.) last person you talked to online: milkdud
14.) last person you talked to on the phone: my sister
15.) last thing you bought yourself: mudvayne's latest album - lost and found

1.) smoke: no
2.) do drugs: no
3.) drink: not really
4.) sleep with stuffed animals: yep; I hate sleeping alone
5.) have a dream that keeps coming back: lately, yes
7.) believe there is life on other planets: /me nods
8.) read the newspaper: um... does a newsreader count?
9.) have any gay or lesbian friends: well ~yeah~
10.) believe in miracles: yes
11.)believe in God?: yes

::: posted by tinafish at 5:57 AM :::

some prince you are

I've just been laying here for the last couple of hours.
sleep has not come.
I feel like a real ass for not going out to see lus, since I'm not asleep anyway.
I'll head out there tomorrow for sure.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:34 AM :::

Friday, April 15, 2005 :::

foul moods all around

I'm so tired.
I want to sleep, but I'm afraid.
I'd so hoped justin would come over tonight...
in the same breath I'm glad he's not; I'm not sure how I'd handle that.

doke's been upset the last couple of days... I've tried asking what's wrong, but he won't tell me.
so I got it into my head to read his blog.
/me sigh
if nothing else, I've learned you can't win them all.
I've removed him from my buddy lists. now he decides how much contact we have.

forgive me, all of you...
I've not slept since wednesday, and I'm a bit cranky.
I'm just... tired.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:57 PM :::

pain is weakness leaving the body

how do you deal with things? things that are wrong, I mean...
completely wrong.
betrayal - by the only person you still trusted. possibly the only person you ever trusted.
how do you deal with that?

I still haven't.
I thought I'd gotten over it, but it seems I was mistaken.
I didn't have the time to deal with it when it happened... if I had, I'd have spoiled the time for everyone, particularly myself.
so I wrapped it up and tucked it away, deep inside me... for later. for when I had time.

thing is, I've not touched it since then, not really.
I've not meditated in aaaages, not since months before david & I split up.
back a couple of days ago, when I decided to "lay things out" for justin... I sat in the tub for a while, trying to find words, and the order they should go in.
I didn't meditate... I've been afraid to be alone w/ my thoughts. I should have, though. it might have helped.

I've not slept yet. not since wednesday night/thursday morning.
each time that I started to fall asleep last night... I started having a dream.
it's a dream I've had before, but it's what really happened - what happened when I woke up - that bothers me so.

I get to dozing, then suddenly I'm back to talking about a halo crossover to ps2.
I understand that it's familiar - I've had this dream before.
impending doom. no way around it.
pain. what's happening?
I will not wake up, not from this dream. not to relive what happened.
I've got to wake completely up. maybe find refuge in another dream? anything but wake up inside this dream.

I'm supposed to go to bleachers tonight, to watch lus play. his band will be broken up soon.
I should sleep, though. only... I'm afraid.
I still don't want to deal with what happened, not now. not when things were getting so much better.
but if not now, when?
I need to envelop it. make it part of me. learn from it.
learn not to trust? that's not right.
but I do need to deal with it; I need to do something.
ask for help? from who?
who do I trust? who do I really trust, with all of me?
I wish I would hold a grudge.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:27 PM :::

Thursday, April 14, 2005 :::

/me insanely stuffed

we had manila cafe for dinner.
omfg the food is good.
but... I'm ~so~ stuffed.
seriously - I can't hardly breathe.

been playing kitten cannon for the last few mins.
give it a whirl - the sound of the cat alone is worth it.
here's my high scored:

::: posted by tinafish at 9:17 PM :::

accept my dominance

I talked to dirty dan for about an hour or so last night.
he said I'm a good friend.
that made me all warm inside.
/me loves dirty dan forever

lus and I went to pour house for about an hour last night.
I didn't drink much, since there's no point in it anymore.
saw luke there again - he's the guy we walked home with that one night...
he was convinced that I had been rubbing one of his friend's head.

work is slow tonight.
I finally slept last night... from about 0500 to ~ 1400.
only when I sleep too much I have weird dreams...
I dreamt I was camping w/ justin, and he couldn't start a fire or fish...
and then there was being at some sort of water park w/ people I used to know... lots of people - people I went to grade school with, jr high, high school, and college... and just lots of people I used to know.

I'm gonna try to go to bleachers on friday and/or saturday.
I wanna go see lus play, since his band'll be splitting up soon.

I'm hoping crouching tiger hidden dragon is there when I get home.
I'm probably gonna watch saved! and cthd, if it's there.
then spend the rest of the night reading... I've got the once and future king here with me now, so I'll probably read some of that.
and I'd like to read more of thomas aquinas, just every time I start reading that I'll get a couple of pages in and someone'll show up at my apt.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:15 PM :::

Wednesday, April 13, 2005 :::

I am le tired

work is slow, and I'm dead tired.
I've only slept ~ 5 hours in the last 2 days...
I was seriously considering not coming to work tonight, but since it's my fault I've not been sleeping I decided to tough it out.

I've changed my desktop again.
back to "birth of the borg."
I've not used this image in years...

so here's an xml of my itunes library...
feel free to import it and see what kinda music I like.
tina wina's music and effort number 2.
I'm not too sure how these work, but save the linked file and then import... I'd try effort number 2, but since I've only one comp I'm not sure which'll work.
actually I'm not sure if either'll work.

I'm wearing my communist socks today.
great fun.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:55 PM :::


from Drunk in Public.

before I get started I'm gonna ask you a question.
I lost my sunglasses the other day, so I went to the sunglass hut.
here's the question: why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25" color television set?
anybody know?
I go into the sunglass hut. I see a pair of glasses I like. I don't love 'em, I like 'em.
309 bucks
and I ask the guy very politely, "how do you sleep at night you fucking prick?"
and I told him, and this is true, that two weeks ago I bought a 25" color television set from walmart for 218 bucks.
and he goes, "well apparently sir, you don't get it."
"I'm listening."
he goes, "these glasses eliminate a hundred percent of all uv rays."
I'm like, "no, apparently you don't get it - this thing decodes a digital satellite signal it picks up from outer-fucking-space."
then it turned out the glasses got basic cable and I felt like a dick head.

and that, love, is how I feel about sunglasses.

take a gander at dirty dan's first article!

::: posted by tinafish at 8:11 PM :::

they season the beef, I promise

I just bought a copy of boondock saints.
about bloody time, I know.
I also ~finally~ remembered to add rumble fish to my wishlist.
I'm probably gonna buy a whole bunch of cheap books in a while. not stuff I don't need, but stuff I've been wanting for aaaaages now.

I also remembered to order more checks.
/me proud of myself

and that last post... I didn't mean for it to sound like doke was fussing.
he seems genuinely happy for me.
I'm not trying to make him out to be a bad guy, or anything.
he's a great person, just the circumstances... were less than ideal.
/me sigh
I'm gonna read now.

::: posted by tinafish at 7:28 PM :::

is it making you nauseous, love?

doke mentioned how I used to say the chach's website made me nauseous, since all he ever did was talk about how awesome his chick... erm... fianc�e.... is.
so I won't mention how awesome justin is.
he came over for a bit last night, we had a talk... reached a decision we can both live with... and that was that.
before too long he went home, but he did stop by this morning (really - it was before noon) for a while.
/me smile

anyhow... yesterday was the married d00d's bday... he's 23 now. his wife, laura, who I know from the hospital, came by with german chocolate brownies. we all sang and he blew out the candles... then cut the brownie into 12 pieces... 3 for each of us (laura didn't want any).
I'd felt kinda bad... since I took tim a pie for his bday, I should've done the same for josh. but I didn't find out about it 'till he got to work last night...
guess it's the thought that counts.

I watched secondhand lions this morning. it's such a great movie... here are some quotes that brought/bring tears to my eyes:

"who do you think you are, old man?!?"
"I'm hub mccann.
I fought in two world wars and countless smaller ones on three continents.
I led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillitary and tanks.
I've seen the headwaters of the nile, and tribes of natives no white man had seen before.
I've won and lost a dozen fortunes, killed many men, and loved only one woman - with a passion a flea like you could never begin to understand.
that's who I am."

"sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things that a man needs to believe in the most.
that people are basically good.
that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything.
that power and money, money and power mean nothing.
that good always triumphs over evil.
and I want you to remember this - that love... true love never dies. you remember that, boy.
doesn't matter if it's true or not, see... a man should believe in those things 'cause those are the things worth believing in."

both of those are said by hub (robert duvall's character). it's a wonderful movie, and I wouldn't mind owning it.
for now, though... I should probably send it back to netflix.
I ~finally~ sent back my stargate dvds, after I watched 'em last night.
so all that's left is Saved! for me to watch.... but crouching tiger hidden dragon should be here on friday.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:03 PM :::

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 :::

fwd time

hope this doesn't offend anyone... but I thought it was funny.

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"wow!" the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before..
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"Ok, and who's next?"
"Well, this one - he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here... Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy' and they all comes a runnin... And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you want just ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

::: posted by tinafish at 7:55 PM :::

seven(teen) days

tiger is released on april 29!!!

available at the apple store for ~ $130.
still available for preorder through amazon (use this link to support daring fireball) w/ a $35 preorder rebate... so it's going for ~ $95 there.
and available at the apple education store (just fill out your school info) for $69.

I'm stoked! how 'bout you?

::: posted by tinafish at 5:44 PM :::

jesus fan my ass

the guys I work with are such asses.

yesterday I spent half an hour tracking down my chair... it'd been split up in 4 pieces, and hidden throughout the building. first they ran off w/ the screw that holds the back of my chair to the rest of the chair. when I found that, the back of my chair was missing. when I found the back the rest of my chair went missing... and apparently they'd broken that up into 2 pieces...
I finally found all the pieces and put it all back together, after near half an hour!
the hardest thing to find was the back of my chair - it was placed on top of some shelves sitting on top of a cabinet... aaron was laughing at me as I tried to reach it. I was like, "this is as tall as I get!" >_< and that's now the thought for the day.

~and~ the jesus fan changed my home page (on my work comp, mind you) to (visit it if you must, but I wouldn't recommend it). I changed it back w/out opening it, since he's always doing that, and I'd seen him sitting at my comp.
then when I was using my laptop... he opened up an ie window on my work comp, went to, and proceeded to hit ctrl+n 300 thousand times!
I turned my monitor off & started hitting alt+space x for a while, while bitching about it to our sup.
tim just laughed.

that was yesterday.
today... is no different.

I went to sonic for food, and threatened aaron when I left. "my chair better be in one piece or I'm gonna kick you in the junk!"
when I got back, all that was here was one of the screws from my chair, laying on the floor... right where my chair should be.
our boss (gizmo) and our sup (the chach) just laughed, while I blamed aaron. apparently all three of them had a hand in it.
"it's one piece, all right" says gizmo.
*shaking head*
I finally track down my chair (w/ ~no~ help from any of our network admins, or any of the wireless guys) and have quite the time putting it back together...
phone rings. it's my turn.
a dial up customer having trouble w/ our web accelerator.
I open a new window to check his un/pw... and notice that it's going to!
I get it closed before the page loads, hit aaron on the head w/ my phone... and open up internet options.

I tell you, they're asses!
I don't know why I come to work every day.
*shaking head*

::: posted by tinafish at 4:58 PM :::

if I had a webcam...

I wonder if anyone would watch me play video games.

so I invited this fella over earlier... I guess he thought I was kidding when my autoreply said "I'm at home. the door's unlocked 'till I go to bed. feel free to stop by."
I'm not, ya'll. I really do welcome visitors.
anyhow... he stopped by for about half an hour or so... just shooting the bull.
he seems like a really cool guy, and I'm hoping he'll teach me to play magic.

I'm really proud of myself.
I started doing laundry when neal came over, and I went to put it in the dryer when he left.
there was this d00d just moving his laundry from 2 of the washers into the 2 good dryers (2 work and 2 don't). he offered to wait on one of his loads, so I could use one of the dryers... anyhow... we chatted for a bit, about how the pipes exploded christmas eve, and how it sucks that the dryers are broken... and I dunno what else.
I'm stoked 'cause usually if anyone I don't know talks to me, I just stand there and stare at them till they go away.
so really ya'll, I was downright gushing.

well since the dryers were taken I took my laundry to my sis's... so I'm gonna go get it now.
I'm considering stopping by the hospital... maybe.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:12 AM :::

it made odd noises that signaled a hard drive death throw

check out Nintendacappella...
it's great, ya'll.

I'm kinda freaking out...
slave has been bitching about me sitting down w/ justin and really laying things out...
so I made arrangements to have a talk w/ him (justin)...
and now I'm getting really nervous.
justin's really cool though... he actually feels the same way I do about rltnships, particularly the one he & I are in.
he's not concerned w/ who's trying to "steal me away" from him... and he trusts me enough to expect me to be honest with him.

he's really great, ya'll.
he likes to hear me tell him he makes me stupid happy.
and he's ok w/ me calling him big bird. he'll actually make the face for me. lol

no matter how great he is, though... I'm not gonna give up my best friend.
if justin can't respect my decisions, then I have no business respecting him.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:39 AM :::

Monday, April 11, 2005 :::

it's ~so~ beautiful

I ~love~ house of flying daggers. it, like hero, is amazing to look at.
my favorite part in house of flying daggers is near the beginning, when that chick is still in the whore house... and she's doing that thing w/ the drum-type things...

so seriously... if you haven't seen it, you should. it's just as beautiful as hero.
/me commands you

::: posted by tinafish at 7:12 PM :::

thou art god

I'm at work, and I'm kinda sad I'm here.
don't get me wrong - I do love these guys, and getting paid is never a bad thing...
but justin messaged me right before I left home, asking if I had plans.
and I had to come to work, so he didn't come over...
/me sad

I spent a couple hours last night talking to my best friend.
he's decided that if things do progress w/ justin... or anyone, really... he expects me to stop talking to him.
that makes me sad.
'cause... for the last few years this guy has been a pretty constant part of my life. and he expects to me just write him off for some guy?

speaking of best friends... I was looking through my truck for something... and apparently I printed out the last conv joe and I had.
I read it... and I cried.
so no, I will never again put some guy ahead of my best friend.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:11 PM :::

honor is life

so I just happened upon this. check out the trailer, if you get the chance.
it seems really cool, but I'd be more interested if it was a full length film.
looks good though, considering.

I saw the ring 2 earlier, w/ james.
it wasn't so bad... I do think it was scarier than the first one, though.
maybe it's 'cause it was a real theatre? and not just my laptop in my bedroom?
/me shrug
that chick is ~so~ gross, though... with her numby fingers and all...

james seems like a cool guy.
dunno if I've mentioned it... apparently he's a horror film buff. so watching this was right up his alley.
he cracked on me a bit, though, for jumping around and all.
and I couldn't help but grab on to him for a bit.... methinks I was crowding him, but in my defense I was freaking out.
you know how it goes with me... I'm more scared 'cause I know it's a scary movie than because of the movie itself.

so that kid is still messaging me.
I blocked him today.
I dunno why he took it so personally (my short responses, not me blocking him). he kept asking me why I don't want to talk to him, or hang out with him, or go out with him.
... asking what he did wrong.
I wish he could see that he doesn't need to do anything... I really am just some grrl.
/me shaking head
dunno why he thinks I'm so special.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:44 AM :::

Sunday, April 10, 2005 :::

just appending

correcting, rather.
now that I've finished stranger in a strange land, I'd like to change my view on the orgy deal.
not saying that orgies in general are anything that I desire - I'm still not into sharing.
but the way they give themselves completely, and use the action as a way to grow closer.
that's the way I feel about sex - it should be an extension of the emotion, not just blind and empty action.
so I'm not changing my stance, only saying that in that context, I don't think it's wrong.
'course, that's just a book, not real life.
/me shrug

I've had a lazy day.
I woke up absurdly early, showered & opened a window... came back to bed and slept.
when I woke up the second time I showered again and cleaned up a bit... then showered again and started reading.
I finished off stranger in a strange land, and then started reading thomas aquinas: selected writings.

and I'll leave you with lyrics of what's playing atm.
from the only time, by nin:
I'm drunk.
and right now I'm so in love with you.
and I don't want to think too much about what we should or shouldn't do.
lay my hands on heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars.
while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:25 PM :::

so maybe stupid happy is a bad thing

I was really in the mood for some crown last night. just a nightcap, like I'd said.
/me sigh

you know how I'm always saying justin makes me stupid happy?
well.... I get this buzz from being around him... giddy and in a really good mood.
thing is, the buzz I get from being around him is... way better than the buzz I get from drinking.

last night, I drank ~way~ more than I'd intended to.
I used to give lus garbage for drinking half a bottle of crown that one night... and now I can't talk, 'cause I did the same thing. at least he had the sense to do it at home, when that only adds up to about $20 worth of liquor.
/me sigh

I kept drinking and drinking last night...
and I never did reach that same giddiness that I can acquire from just talking to justin.

I'm glad I got sick.
I don't think someone my size needs to keep that much alcohol inside.
what I just can't get over is how I ~didn't~ feel.
I should've listened to slave.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:56 PM :::

Saturday, April 09, 2005 :::

there will never be another tonight

oh I'm exhausted.
I woke up absurdly early, and I've spent most of the day running around with my sister.
we celebrated her bday today... instead of going out of town (like we had orginally planned) we went out for lunch and to the omnimax for a couple of shows... and then back here to watch the crow.

I had a pretty good time, mostly.
We had lunch at the cattle baron. um... I'd never been there before, and I'm ~never~ going back.
I ordered a 12 oz teriyaki steak, and it was ~disgusting~. my caesar salad was also pretty gross. the fruit salad I had was too marshmallow-y. for dessert I ordered fried ice cream, only... it wasn't fried. it was just a scoop of ice cream covered with cornflakes.
~yuck~ ya'll. seriously.

then we headed over to the omnimax. we saw... secrets of the nile, I believe it's called.
our little ticket d00d seemed like a cool enough fella. he talked us in to watching the other show... something about coral reefs. so we bought those tickets and then headed to target to kill some time.
had an interesting experience w/ bean bag chairs, there.
then we headed back to the theatre. same guy was there, apparently just dropping something off to his roommate who also works there.
now our ticket d00d this time... omg ya'll.
like, he put on a headset (w/ a microphone) and acted out the little recorded message that plays before each film. thing is, somehow in the middle of acting it out, he jumped over the railing (I was impressed, since it's at an incline) and into the first row, and pointed at me.
weird kid, but sure made that recording bit go by faster.

then my sis and I came over here to watch one of the movies justin & I bought last night. I bought the ring and rings (a making-of, or something) and...
*looking through walmart bag*
... labyrinth. I'd never seen it (still haven't), but it's like... a must-see or something.
so my sis and I had planned on watching that, but due to the circumstances in my living room (read: 2 tvs) we decided to watch the crow instead.

justin wants me to stop saying "omfg" irl. see, 'cause I really do say it. not just the letters, mind you.
he doesn't curse, ya'll.
it's one of the things I like about him, and it hadn't really occurred to me that he probably doesn't like to be around people who curse.
actually he didn't say that, but I'm just assuming so because that's how I used to be. can you believe I really just stopped talking to or walked away from ~anyone~ who cursed around me?
/me shocked
I was a totally different person back then, though. or it would seem, anyway.

and I stopped by home depot for more cinderblocks.
my sis is ~such~ a priss, ya'll. like... if there's a guy around she'd rather have him do it than one of us.
and I'm not like that.
so I bought 7 more cinderblocks, and broke a nail in the process of getting them into my bed in the parking lot.
and when I got home and after I'd brought them inside I washed up... my hands are all scraped and cut.
I've got ~manly~ hands.
/me speaking w/ a deep voice

and now I'm ~totally~ in the mood for some crown.
I just wanna stop by the pour house, have a shot or 4, and then crawl into bed.
just a nightcap to prevent weird dreams.
ya know?

::: posted by tinafish at 11:59 PM :::

imo, orgies are scary.

so I actually watched the ring last night... and honestly I didn't think it was so bad.
I was more freaking out 'cause justin kept poking at me and talking about how scary it was.... than anything the movie had to offer.
but I will admit... I've got an oval mirror here in my bedroom, and it was freaking me out ~during~ the movie. the light from the apple (on the back of my ibook) was kinda being reflected, but just barely... it looked pretty spooky in the lighting and at that angle.
but seriously, the movie wasn't bad at all.
it was gross when that chick climbs out of the tv and is all nubby, though.
lol. so not scary, just gross.

not saying I didn't have weird dreams, 'cause I did... but only one or two of them was even vaguely related to the movie.
I kept having dreams about orgies, and that's not cool.
I mean, I can see how it could be fun, esp in that context (read stranger in a strange land and you'll know what I'm talking about), but I just don't believe in sharing.
it was ~so~ weird... downright creepy, really.
I guess I told justin about my dreams sometime, 'cause he mentioned it this morning/afternoon.

I dunno why that would stick out (scenes from a science fiction book I've read more than once) as opposed to scenes from "the scariest" movie out there.
makes me wonder what the scariest movie I've ever seen is.
I know the answer lus would give - farenheit 911.
but I dunno.... gothika previews gave me nightmares 'till I saw the movie.
guess I'll munch on that and get back to you.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:08 PM :::

Friday, April 08, 2005 :::

I really like the bangles

I am ~not~ a midget.
or short.
I hate the guys I work with.
/me grr
I'm not an alcoholic.
/me ggGGGRRRRRRrrrr

so anyway...
I was a bit late to work tonight - my sis stopped by my apt and I couldn't get her to leave.
she brought me lunch, though. and then inspected my apt.
she came to the same conclusion my dad did - it's gross.
/me shrug
it's mine, though.

I've noticed something about myself that I find absurdly annoying.
no matter what time I go to bed (whether it be 0800 or 0200) I end up rolling over at 1400.
like always.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:52 PM :::

it's a war... with the whole wide world...

itunes will be the death of me.
I was chatting w/ this d00d rik for a few hours last night and tonight... and we were talking about music.
now, for whatever reason, I'm ~such~ in a liz phair mood.
I just bought another album.
I've really gotta start paying more attn to what I spend my money on.

I was talking to lus the other day...
he said I don't smell like dumped gf anymore.
I was pretty stoked to hear that, since I've got all these emotions trapped inside me, and only every so often do any of them spill over.
'course he was drunk at the time... so I dunno.
so many of our conversations are drunk ones.

oh! aj's supposed to rent the sixth sense and the ring tomorrow.
I've gotta remember to get up early and wake him up, though.
he's got a new job, which he'll be starting this weekend. I'm pretty stoked for him, since he was really tired of his old job.

I'm gonna read a bit then call it a night, for real this time.
ok... maybe I'll chat w/ slave for a bit.
but I ~am~ going to bed early.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:44 AM :::

/me sneeze

I dunno wtf, but I've been sneezing for ~ the last half hour.
the anarchist hippie was over earlier, and smoking... dunno why that would make me sneeze, though.
/me shrug
wish I'd stop sneezing - it's awful annoying.

so I was listening to the verve pipe on the way home from work.
the freshmen came on, and it reminded me of that song by kenny chesney, I go back.
see, the freshmen was playing during my first kiss.
every time I hear it I go back to that moment...
he was so... timid. and I... was so nervous.
think we were both shaking.

my sis and I are supposed to go to walmart tomorrow afternoon.
I bought these couch cover things... dunno if I mentioned that, but they're gross.
not what I was looking for - they're just sheets.
/me shaking head
so I'm gonna return 'em, and either pay more attn to what I buy or not worry about it at all.
I do want more cinderblocks, though. think I'm gonna have a cinderblock theme in my living room.
it's kinda funny right now - I couldn't get my ps2 to play through the vcr, so atm I've got 2 tvs in the living room.
I'll take a pic at some point, so you can see what I mean.
but I promise... it's funny.
quaint, really.

I block a lot of people, especially on yahoo. I block anyone who buzzes me, anyone who messages saying "asl," and loads of other people I just don't like. because I block so many people I have to erase my entire blocked list fairly often - every month or so.
that kid I had to block a few weeks ago is back to messaging me. so far he's not said/done anything to merit blocking him, but he's back to wanting to get together and all.
/me sigh
I should probably feel flattered, but I don't.
I actually saved this kid's number in my phone book, so I could be sure not to answer when he calls.
/me sigh
I should probably try to be nice to him.
maybe tomorrow.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:13 AM :::

Thursday, April 07, 2005 :::

grok is ~so~ a word

I love stranger in a strange land. I haven't read it in years, and I am ~so~ engrossed in it right now. I just wanna keep reading; it's been a hassle to even answer the phone or respond to messages.
if you haven't read it, you should.

I'm in a scary movie mood.
I had a weird dream last night, that I don't really remember... but I woke up this afternoon just itching to watch the sixth sense. I haven't seen it since it was in theaters, but it gave me nightmares back when I did (that part where that chick slits here wrists - spooky!).
~and~ since I've been doing so well sleeping in the dark, I wanna watch the ring.
I've seen parts of it (the ring)... maybe half an hour... at most an hour of it.
it didn't seem too bad.
justin fussed when I brought it up, saying he's not really wanting to watch it again - apparently it spooked him the first time he saw it.
I dunno.... people are always fussing about the excorsist, but amy and I watched it one night w/ no problem. guess I'm wanting to see if this'll be like that
milkdud's seen the ring two... he said it's nothing to worry about. I'm not too interested in the second one just yet, though.
hope I don't get too freaked out by it. how embarrassing... I'd probably end up calling aj and having him stay over. lord knows his chick wouldn't like that too much... bad enough I get invited on guys night out w/ him.

the chach went home early today, so it's just me & the married d00d manning the fort.
our owner hasn't been to happy w/ us (the tech support dept, not me & josh specifically) lately...
/me sigh
and I'm hungry.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:13 PM :::

Wednesday, April 06, 2005 :::

guess I'm still full of surprises....

I feel like vomiting.
or crying.
or both.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to protect myself from.
or why I'm so certain I need protection.

I've got this awful feeling in my stomach... kinda like I get when I've had ~way~ too much to drink.
I'm not sure why I'm taking this so personally.
he's just some guy, right?

this isn't exactly the best time for me, either.
I've got no internet connection (at home), no phone (prepaids don't count as real phones) and nothing to do (no school atm).

he's just a kid trying to make a life for himself.
he's building a future.

I'm... not.
I'm wasting away biding my time... just waiting for my lease to be up.
and then what?

like I told him, guess I should've asked for terms.
I'm not sure why I'm so hurt, though.
I feel like I've been kicked in the gut.
think I'm gonna sit in the tub for a while when I get home - I've gotta think about why this is bothering me so much.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:46 PM :::

my sleep schedule is just all sorts of fucked

justin sleeps nights and is awake during the day... for the most part I tend to sleep in the day and am awake all night.
this can kinda cause some problems.
friday night he fell asleep and I was bored out of my mind, and vise versa saturday morning.
since this weekend my sleep schedule has been all sorts of fucked.

I slept saturday night, and most of sunday... but woke up sunday afternoon. cleaned up a bit, read, and went out w/ lus. fell asleep early monday morning, and woke up fairly early monday afternoon.

monday night I was asleep when kurt called, then woke up again later 'cause I was hungry... then I couldn't go back to sleep so I read a bit and then showered... my dad called yesterday morning so I got up to meet him. so total I slept maybe 3 hours.

I went to see sin city last night w/ doke. the movie's great, btw - amazing to look at. then I stopped by the hospital for lunch w/ my sis... and ~ 0215 or so I came home. I was getting ready for bed when lus called. he was at my front door.
I let the buffoon in, and he convinced me to stay up "2 minutes" with him just to talk about something that's going on w/ his band.
/me sigh
2 minutes my ass.
3 hours later he's still there and trying to convince me to take him to mcdonalds.
I took him home.

while he was there we talked about what I look for in guys I date. I dunno why, but everyone's become mostly obsessed w/ why I don't give justin a real go.
and after t-h-r-e-e h-o-u-r-s of talking I'm still pretty much where I started.
/me shaking head
I've been trying to get better about asking guys I go out w/ questions... but I'm still pretty bad. I just feel that if he wanted me to know something he'd tell me. I dunno why... but like... I just never ask important questions, I guess.
last night the girls at the hospital were playing 20 questions w/ me (about - yeah, justin) and they asked pretty simple questions that I just didn't know the answers to.
I like to think that maybe at some point I knew the answers, just over the course of the month that I didn't talk to the guy I forgot. that's probably what happened, but I guess I wish I remembered. and I don't wanna just ask him again... 'cause he's already given me shit about not saving his phone number.
/me shrug

it's absurdly windy out today.
I've taken 2 calls from people saying their radios have been knocked off their roofs.
my hair's a mess (more than usual, actually) and rafiki almost flew out my window (I've got a stuffed rafiki happy meal toy on my dashboard).
at least I finally put gas.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:49 PM :::

Tuesday, April 05, 2005 :::

no one calls me sweetie like he does

I got this phone call last night, only about 0100 but I was already asleep.
the number looked familiar, but it wasn't one I saved.
that means it was some guy I talked to for a while, but didn't ever really date him, otherwise I'd have saved the number.
the voice sounded familiar, yet unremarkable.
I noticed he called me sweetie, and said that I'd always said he had a real take-it-or-leave-it attitude... still fuzzy but I'm almost certain I know who it is.
no one likes being mistaken for someone else, though... so I edge him on for something to go on. I ask for his handle, which he denies... I end up finally getting him to give me the first letter of his first name.
it's kurt, ya'll!

he seems like such a cool guy, and I still don't really understand what I did that turned him off of me.
I invited him to my housewarming party (it's still on for this weekend, if you're up to it) and he politely but decidedly declined.
I rolled over this morning and saw that he'd messaged me... giving me permission to call him sometime.

so I brought the loveseat over this afternoon.
it's in pretty bad shape. methinks I'm gonna buy a couple of couch covers to make 'em match.
I also picked up 4 cinderblocks... and some screws for my table (construction was halted due to me running out of 1 1/4" and the 1 5/8" being too long), and... duct tape for the loveseat.
then I stopped by my sis's for wood... now all that's left is to put it all together.

doke and I are supposed to watch sin city tonight.
my debit card's finally here... I'm stoked.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:50 PM :::

Monday, April 04, 2005 :::

the stupid happiness will continue

so justin reminds me of big bird.
I'm gonna put a couple of pics on here and let ya'll decide.
'cause I promise he does.

and the jesus fan, in an effort to dampen my mood, has been insulting me and stabbing me with pens, and just being an all around jer-k.
here's my away message atm:
    "you're a tool-ette. that's kinda like a toilet,
     only w/ a lot more crap in it."
        --the jesus fan

can you believe he said that?
/me hurt

::: posted by tinafish at 9:17 PM :::

he reminds me of big bird

I've had an amazing weekend, and I'm sad it's over.
friday night I got to chill w/ justin, which was awesome.
saturday I slept.
sunday I cleaned a bit, then settled in w/ stranger in a strange land. I'd been invited out to see sin city, but seeing as how I've still no debit card I decided to stay in.

so I curled up in bed w/ my book, and started reading.
after a while lus showed up and invited me to the pour house. I got in the shower since I'd been cleaning all afternoon, and as soon as I did the anarchist hippie showed up.
when I got out of the shower lus, the anarchist hippie, and the anarchist hippie's sidekick were on the couch, each with a drink in hand.
I laid out on the floor and took a shot w/ them... then after a while the guys left and lus & I headed out.
since I didn't plan on drinking, and lus was intent on getting trashed, I offered to drive.
/me sigh
I am ~never~ driving to a bar again.
we ended up both getting pretty trashed, and spent the evening talking to some d00d we met at the bar... then the three of us walked home. that fella, luke, lives at heritage, which is on our way home... so the three of us stumbled along.
lus and I took another plank of wood. we took a shortcut through an apartment complex, and as I was ducking through a hole in the fence I touched a piece of wood and it came off. so I took it home w/ me.
once we got home we came back to my bedroom... and for whatever reason I decided to im justin. while I was drunk. yikes.

I don't really remember what happened after that... lus left at some point... I woke up @ ~ 0500 and realized he was gone, so I locked the door. I drank a glass of water, took some benadryl, and went back to bed.
I was supposed to meet my dad this morning, but I didn't. I spent about an hour looking for my keys... I knew I didn't lose them since we were able to get into my apt last night... I finally found them on the shelf in the hall closet.
/me sigh

I had a talk w/ doke earlier... kinda.
apparently he's been keeping a blog.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:07 PM :::

Sunday, April 03, 2005 :::

some things never change

I've had no where to go and nothing I've wanted to do since yesterday afternoon.
when I got back from taking justin home lus & I went out for lunch...
and when I got home I fell asleep.
and I've (for the most part) been asleep since then.
guess I was catching up from all the days I get 4 hours of sleep.
I'd meant to go over to my sis's last night, but I never really even got out of bed.
I wonder if there's a rent drop box... and I wonder where I've left my checkbook.
well I should really start cleaning up.
dirty dishes here I come

::: posted by tinafish at 4:11 PM :::

Saturday, April 02, 2005 :::

see? just had to wait a few months

don't forget about the time change tonight!

as for me - my clock will finally be right again.
(yeah... I never changed it)

::: posted by tinafish at 10:32 PM :::

cuando los �ngeles lloran... llover�

I just got back from the O-bar - they've got ~awesome~ catfish.
it's up to par w/ the catfish the cafeteria at lakeside (a local hospital) serves on fridays during lent.

I ended up not going to bww last night.
I grabbed justin, stopped by the hospital to kill some time, then came home.
we watched the hunted, and the anarchist hippie stopped by for a while.

the apt is disgustingly empty, and I've gotta clean it too.
I've decided to move the wood (for my table) into the extra bedroom.
so at least it's not empty and my bedroom's not so messy.
'course I'm probably gonna end up just putting it together tonight or tomorrow, since the living room is so empty.

I've still gotta release doke from the lease, and get all the bills changed over to me...
then I should be set.

I'm gonna nap now. I had to wake up absurdly early (for me on a weekend) and now that I've eaten I don't think I can fight it off any longer.
much love.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:58 PM :::

Friday, April 01, 2005 :::

armed and fabulous

I went to bed really early last night, so I woke up this morning ~ 0730.
I laid in bed and thought I should grab a book and start reading...
and I looked over at my bookshelves...
That Bible I bought a while back is still in the plastic wrap.
it's rather intimidating.
I've not read it in years, and I'm not sure where to start.
but I bet taking to plastic off is a good place, eh?

my sis and I went to see miss congeniality 2 this morning.
something went wrong, so we theatre hopped over across the building... and the movie started an hour later than it should have.
I had a good time, but I can only handle my sister for so long - when she starts trying to play match maker I usually run off.
but overall I had a good time. just like I said... she's always so interested in... gossip, I guess.
every time I talk to her she fills me in on everything that's going on at the hospital, and her boy toy and asks stuff... I've just not got much patience for the whole thing.
the movie was cute enough. gloria really liked it, but she likes most movies.
and it was nice to see a chick flick. I don't watch them often, but when I do gloria's a good person to watch 'em with.
except she talks a lot, and always makes us late.
we laughed a lot 'cause we were kinda late for the movie, but since they couldn't get it working we ended up getting to watch all the previews anyway.

well I'm feeling kinda queasy. hope I'm not getting sick.
/me crossing my fingers work doesn't suck tonight

::: posted by tinafish at 3:13 PM :::

who is this girl I see...

the anarchist hippie has been bitching for the last half hour about me not going out tonight.
he thinks it'd be good for me to get a change of scenery, and he's been trying to bribe me into going out.
I'm just not in the mood.

when I got home from work I laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling for a while... maybe half an hour or so... then the anarchist hippie came by to drop off some stuff.
I lit some candles and we sat around in my bedroom just shooting the bull.
he's been trying to convince to go to some party tonight.
he ran off to 7 eleven earlier (for you guessed it - slurpies) and I fell asleep while he was gone.
I'm just really tired - I slept 3 hours yesterday and 4 today.
this afternoon, when I stumbled out of bed and towards the bathroom (to shower before work) I remember looking towards the living room and noticing the coffee table was gone. instead of thinking doke'd been moving I wondered, "dammit! where'd I leave the coffeetable? I could've sworn it was there when I went to bed."
it wasn't 'till after my shower that I realized doke's mostly moved out, meaning he took his tv stand & is using the coffeetable as a tv stand for the moment.

he said he'd be moved out by late tomorrow night.
I'm not sure what I'm gonna do.
laying on the floor watching the ceiling fan sounds like a plan to me...
I'm pretty sure someone'll stop by tomorrow.
and it'll be just my apt.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:16 AM :::