Thursday, June 30, 2005 :::

/me pulling hair out

I'm not sure what the hell is going on, but ~every~ person I've talked to today is being a total jerk!
complete moron's who don't understand that ie is a web browser not a mail program.
and I don't know why they keep yelling at me and saying I'm being a bitch to them (not in those words, mind you, but that's the jist of it). it's not my fault that I have to explain every thing to them. I'm not even angry or anything just I start explaining everything and then they take offense 'cause I explain something that they ~supposedly~ already know.
and omg! I was like, "what's the name of your mail program?" and she was like, "I dunno." so I said, "in the upper left, right next to the apple it'll say the name of the program. what does it say?" and she's like, "mail." and so then I said, "so 'mail' is the name of your mail program." and she was like "don't be short with me!" all pissed off and what not. it's not my fault apple decided to name it's mail program Mail, or why she thinks it's complicated.
and this one chick actually said I was being "twitty," whatever the fuck that means.
/me grr

I'm ~so~ not in the mood to be here today.
days like today I wish I did data entry or something, where I wouldn't have to come in contact with anyone else.

I need a beer.
or to level up in a game or something.
/me sigh

::: posted by tinafish at 5:24 PM :::

monkeys fling poo

dunno if I ever mentioned it, but my best friend mike recently moved from houston to austin, and now he's got an internet connection.
I haven't talked to him this often on such a regular basis since I lived in houston, and that was 4 years ago.
he's such a sweetie and it's so good to talk to him.
he still busts out with "juice by you!" and "monkey kisses" and he ~still~ calls me "cum bucket."
the little ass.

I love him, though. like... even though we hadn't really talked since thanksgiving, it's not a big deal.
we just talk like the last time we hung out.
and it's always been like that.
we'll go from not having talked in a few months to talking every day about everything from the weather and our sleep patterns to lost loves and shattered dreams.
I've been trying to convince him to get a bus or plane ticket and come spend a month or two with me... we're both on a tight budget atm, though, so I don't think it'll happen anytime soon.

anyhow... the whole point of this post is that since I've talked to him more in the last two weeks than I have in the last year, I figure I'll probably start mentioning him more and more on here... so I went ahead and added him to my about page.
he's been giving me shit about the pic I chose - saying he looks like he could be in the mexican mafia...
at least I didn't choose the one where he looks stoned and he's got his elvis face on.
funny thing is - that's the pic (the stoned elvis one) he's using for his avatar.
/me shaking head
silly boy.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:18 AM :::

we were robbed!

the anarchist hippie and I have yet to finish tmnt.
and we were robbed.
we finally made it all the way to shredder and the first time I died right before I was able to eat a pizza... and all shredder needed was 4 or 5 hits and he'd have died...
the next round we played I died early on, but the same thing happened to javi-er.
we were both pretty peeved about it.

atm the anarchist hippie is snoozing on the futon.
he kinda laid back after we died the second time, and before too long I noticed he was asleep.
I don't wanna wake him... I'll be up for a couple of hours anyway... if he's still here when I go to bed I'm sure he'll wake me to lock the door behind him.

ooh - mike's online.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:38 AM :::

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 :::

"jesus is my new pcp"

work is slow tonight...
I've been reading up on tmnt and looking at other 2 player coops to buy once we finish this game.
also I've been looking for a walk through of devil within. I've not had much luck, though.
I added a couple of things to my 43 things list... it's up to 27 now.

oh and a poster update!
for whatever reason, both those posters I bought 2 weeks ago are just now being shipped.
both of them. today.
I'm mildly annoyed, but really it's not that big a deal. it'd be cool to have them up, but oh well.
I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do with the posters already in the living room... I mean... these 2 plus the one I already have means 3 nin posters in my living room.
seems a bit obsessive to me, but oh well.
and I also wanna put some posters up in the spare bedroom, since I spend so much time in there now.
guess we'll see.

Take the MIT Weblog Survey

::: posted by tinafish at 7:54 PM :::

choices choices

tonight I'm either going to go to the pour house and drink me some whiskey, or go home and play video games 'till the sun comes up.

speaking of video games, the anarchist hippie and I still haven't finished tmnt.
we usually play w/ him as donatello for player 1, and me as michaelangelo for player 2. so we had all these levels done as donatello, but donatello's the one who's gotta face dr. stockman in... I think it's stage 5.
we finally made it through dr stockman, but only to get killed in the next stage - the one with all the booby traps. after losing oh... 3 or 4 times... we decided to play w/ michaelangelo as p1 instead.
we ~tore~ through 3 levels like they were nothing. that level with the mystic ninjas? a breeze. the level with the mutated humans? cake.
we finished each level with at least 4 lives to spare.
it was a helluva moral boost.
then we get to the end level... we get to fight hun in the first stage, and no elite ninja at all (he's routinely pwned us). it was madd easy, ya'll.
so we get to stage 5, stoked 'cause we'd already faced michaelangelo's mid-boss and torn through the giant mousers... and then... intead of dr stockman showing up...
guess who.
the bastard elite ninja.
/me grr
we finally killed him in this stage, but he got us in the next stage.
after we got through all those stupid booby traps and killed some ninjas and a couple of mutants, he showed up again.
I hate the elite ninja.
and you should too.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:07 PM :::

trust is foreign

I talked to justin tonight...
I dunno about that kid. I mean... he's awesome and all...
but when it comes down to it he's still just a kid.
/me sigh
not like I'm actually older than him... but I do tend to be very cynical... and I think of him more as naive than someone who lives in the real world.
think it was in mr and mrs smith that I heard, "there are no happy endings, just stories that haven't finished yet."

I'm at a point where I'd like someone to spend my time with... but not in the same way that I usually do.
as much ridicule this is gonna get me, I'm gonna say it anyway. I want someone to cuddle with.
but not the usual my-way-or-get-out bit that I usually do.
I want a counterpart.
for a while I thought I'd found one - in justin.
he and I get along well enough, and we're different enough to still have things to explore.
but I didn't choose him. it just happened that way.
I still wonder if it has much to do with the amt of alcohol in my bloodstream the night I met him.
sometimes I wish I'd have never seen him again after valentine's day - then he'd still be that perfect boy.
/me shrug

it's kinda funny, really.
I've pretty much lost respect for justin (as a viable counterpart, not as a person), and, as often happens... doke asked some open-ended questions that he already knew the answers to, but it seem he still wanted to hear it from me.
I remember one night, right around the time things went to absolute shit w/ me and david... I asked him if he still wanted me... and he said no. I told him he didn't mean that... and I just sat there waiting for him to say something.
I knew it was true, though. I'd known for a while, and I chose not to believe him... I wasn't ready to believe him... I had spent so long convincing myself that he and I had something worth holding on to... I wasn't prepared to admit that I was the one doing all the holding. both david and I are better off now, and probably happier than we would be if we had stayed together. hurt like hell though, the first time I really understood.
the funny thing is, doke has apparently lost all respect for me.

the choices I make are choices I can live with. and there are some choices that I didn't make; they're already there.
sometimes you've gotta shoot from the hip, and just trust that things'll be alright.
granted I should probably think things through more often - it's not like I don't want the people around me to be happy... but dammit I want to be happy too.
emotions are not something to be apologized for, but I am sorry that doke's tied up in my mess.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:08 AM :::

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 :::

taco quests

javi-er: lend me an ear, I need to holla at cha
tina: k
javi-er: remember how I wanted to make a game about us
tina: yeah...
javi-er: I have thought about the first level...half assed though
tina: k
javi-er: It starts off at your apt....we have to make to Rositas, fighting off 8-5vers on the way
javi-er: the boss will be an 8-5 CEO
tina: rawk!
javi-er: tacos of course are full life
javi-er: red bull half life
javi-er: cigarettes are fourth life
tina: d00d I'm ~so~ blogging this

::: posted by tinafish at 7:21 PM :::

neen-ja turtles!

so the anarchist hippie and I managed to squeeze in a few rounds of tmnt this afternoon before I came to work.
we died, as usual. we did, however, manage to get dr stockman down to only half his life... but he killed us both.
my jump attack sucks, btw. it's really not my fault.

I spent the morning with this d00d I've been chatting with.
we met up at market street and then stopped by aromas.
he's never played soul cal 2, so that's an automatic -500,000 pts.
speaking of points... some d00d messaged me last night about a roommate (?) and when I responded he saw my avatar (which just happens to be devil jin)... and then he about ripped himself he was so excited.
we spent about half an hour talking about characters, and jinpachi, and jin's family line... and the complex btwn nina, anna, and steve. it was pretty cool, and we're supposed to get together sometime and play.

and I'm kicking my own ass atm; my boss asked me to work days all next week.
and I said yes. it would've been either me or jordan, and jordan already worked days last week...
this whole thing is just a big problem - ever since we fired the marine we've been short staffed.
I wish we'd hire another morning person so we wouldn't all be juggling our schedules.
/me glares in gizmo's direction

::: posted by tinafish at 5:36 PM :::

Monday, June 27, 2005 :::

oh how it burns

the anarchist hippie and I did go see batman this morning, then headed to the mall so he could pick up a copy of the crow on dvd.
and I had like... a minor identity crisis, since I was unable to find anything in all the stores we stopped in that I even partly wanted to buy.
so we stopped in the arcade.
and I felt a lot better.

we played a couple of rounds of tekken 5... I died whenever stupid nina killed me. twice. the first round I played as feng, and then the next round I played as raven. the anarchist hippie played as steve both times... lol
and so then we played a round of air hockey - gawd it was a crap board.
then we played tekken tag.... I was up to stage 6 when law and anna killed me. I was pretty pissed off. I was like... mildly sweating and all worked up... just thinking about it I'm getting all pissed off all over again.

ooh! I forgot to mention this last night!
I went to see my first 3d movie last night!
doke and I went to see the adventures of shark boy and lava girl.
the storyline kinda sucked, but the whole 3d thing was really cool.
I had a stupid moment - there's stuff that's like... flying off the screen, and I sit there and for half a second thinking "well that's gonna be a bitch to clean up."
then I remember that it's not really there... and I felt like a tool for even thinking that.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:32 PM :::

and he's not even the end boss

the anarchist hippie and I died again. multiple times.
but in our defense, he was having a ~really~ bad gaming day.
this one round he used all our lives... I didn't even get to die once 'cause by that time we were both dead.
we must've tried... 4 or 5 times... and the round we lasted longest... well... we only made it as far as the same stage we died the first time we made it to this level. so we started out sucking really hard... then got better (and by better I mean only as good as the first time).

we're supposed to go watch batman in the morning...
and I've been up most of the day today...
/me yawn
and good news - I haven't heard anything coming from my wall tonight!

::: posted by tinafish at 2:47 AM :::

Sunday, June 26, 2005 :::

my reaction exactly

I belong to drew's mailing list... I sincerely love his comic and his column, and his emails are always fun and make me smile if not laugh.

slate has an article about drew... and I thought it was really cool 'cause the d00d who wrote it describes things that I went through when I was first introduced to toothpaste for dinner by my friend sam [thanks sam!].
anyhow... here are the highlights, according to me, of the article.

"The characters all have oblong heads, three-fingered hands, and stacked eyes like flounders. They are noseless and earless and always on the brink of perspectival disaster. The handwritten text that sometimes dominates the drawings often flirts with illegibility. The art is so bad it suggests some kind of tragic and inspiring back story: an artist soldiering bravely on after losing his thumbs in a bear attack or a factory accident...
When I first Google-stumbled onto the site, I abandoned the urgent project I was researching and spent all day reading the archive, in which glorified stick figures launch into casually cerebral soliloquies about hamsters, hipsters, and office life in Columbus, Ohio. Soon I had a serious habit, using the comics as my desktop wallpaper, monitoring their daily updates, and forwarding my favorites to friends...
It's an exercise in virtual behaviorism: Like rats in a Skinner Box, we click and get an instant reward. Even its inconsistency makes it more clickable; it's an old chestnut of behaviorism that the best way to cause an addiction is not through consistent payoff but through what psychologists call a "variable ratio schedule"�a powerful reward (food pellet, good joke) unpredictably dispensed..."

david used to give me a lot of shit about my affection for the comic... he even went so far as to make a mockery of it by doing his own comic - his impression of drew's art, and also a certain drawing that he made because I bought a toothpaste for dinner tshirt (which I promptly turned into a tshirt and ordered).

today's comic:

and another of my favorites:

david's impression:

::: posted by tinafish at 5:50 PM :::

does god count as a superhero?

I got up this morning, showered and got dressed... and headed to church.
then I spent 10 minutes sitting in my truck trying to talk myself into going in.
it didn't work.
I chickened out and came home, and before too long I went to the theatre to see batman again.
I said so in my away message, and I got a few notable replies.
one of them said something like, "if batman and god got in a fight, who do you think would win?"
now I know that's the typical superhero vs superhero... but this is taking it a bit far.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:27 PM :::

Saturday, June 25, 2005 :::

minor changes

I've made a few changes to the about page... put up a new background and added more info.
incredibly boring, trust me.
I also finally added an index page to my /images/ folder... it's just a c&v of the same page I'm using for my 401 error, since the only protected folder I have is inside /images/ and no one'd ever see it.

figures... I spend my whole shift wishing I was home in bed... and now that I am, I can't sleep.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:05 PM :::

spazzing out is annoying

so I was over at gamefly looking at game reviews and such...
when, for no apparent reason, I accidently forced a reboot.
I had just finished narrowing down the games I was looking at (from ~ 50 to ~ 15) when, in the process of doing I-dunno-what, I hit cmd+ctrl+pwr.
how the hell I managed to hit the pwr button without even thinking about it is beyond me.
/me grr

thing is, I screw up keyboard shortcuts all the time. switching from OS to windows back to OS every day....
the keyboard shortcuts aren't incredibly different... but they certainly don't do the same things.
to hide a window in OS it's cmd+h (except in photoshop, where it's cmd+ctrl+h to hide the prog; cmd+h just hides the extras), to close a window it's cmd+w and to quit an app is cmd+q.
in windows you have alt+f4, which closes the topmost window/quits the topmost program or logs you out if you've got nothing open. and that's about it.
what causes most of the fuss (for me, anyway) is that the cmd key on an apple keyboard is where the alt key on a windows keyboard is. so I spend all day at work hitting alt+space then c to close or n to minimize, and then come home to use the same button in a different way.

um... this is just a big spiel 'cause I feel like a poon... at least I'm admitting it, though.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:35 AM :::

256B04 is my favorite blue

I'm sitting here doing what I always seem to do late at night - being bored and blogging.
I've been laying in bed the last couple of hours, but sleep has not found me.
now I'm just sitting here thinking about working on some images, just 'cause I've got nothing else to do.

the anarchist hippie and I went out for tacos tonight, like we do every friday... no tree climbing, though.
and guess what!
we levelled up!
it took us a couple of tries, but we finally busted through the first 5 stages easy enough to have a few lives to waste on the end boss.
only... now we're at the last level of the game... and those stupid elemental ninjas are back. I think all the guys we've fought over the course of the game are gonna make an appearance, plus some new guys... oh and shredder too.
guess we'll have a go at this level again next week - we didn't get past the mouse maker d00d.
hm... I dunno what we'll do when we finish this game... go back to playing tekken and soul cal, I guess... or maybe I'll buy street fighter.
think I'll scrounge for suggestions, since 2 player coop can be a lot of fun.

and I'm hoping to go see batman again tomorrow.
the anarchist hippie still hasn't seen it, so I'm hoping I'll be able to talk him into heading out there.
only... we've both got a certain disdain for 8 to 5'ers, so neither of us likes to go out on the weekends.
I don't think the late afternoon will be too bad, though.
at least I hope not.
ugh. looks like the earliest showing I'd be able to make after work is at 1820.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:36 AM :::

Friday, June 24, 2005 :::

booooooooooo! spurs suck!

apparently the spurs won.
/me rolling eyes

last night I got to babysit the kids... I was kinda peeved at first, but I like 'em loads, so overall I had a really good time.
we went to walmart to buy a pot for my shrub (I planted some other flowers with it into the pot I bought last time, so I got another one for it so it can live by itself) but ended up accidently breaking one... went home for a bit to get a good look at the pot I already have... then went to kmart for another pot.
I bought a lot of dirt this time, since last round I didn't have enough.
I'm hoping it doesn't die.
when we got home we played a couple of rounds of tmnt before sandra fell asleep... then I tucked both of 'em into the futon and went to my room.

I couldn't sleep, 'cause of my in-wall guest... so I spent last night working on the about page.
I think I found a diff pic to use, but I'm not too sure yet. hopefully it'll pan out, but last night I didn't make too much progress.
I was pretty tired and would've rather been asleep, but folks kept messaging me.
like... I dunno wtf, but it seemed like every poon on yahoo wanted to chat with me.

I've been talking to this d00d on yahoo...
I've never met him or anything, or even seen any pics...
but I had this dream that I was doing I dunno what with him....
and I didn't know his name... so I kept calling him by his sn....
/me shrug

::: posted by tinafish at 4:10 PM :::

Thursday, June 23, 2005 :::

hayden'd never kick me out...

'course I've never gotten sick at my pub....
backstory: the sexxxy little brit got sick at his neighborhood pub a few weeks ago... missed the toilet in his drunken state, and didn't think they'd let him back in. apparently they did, since he's just now gotten back from said pub...
.oO(talking to a drunk rob is always fun)

I feel like a dick.
I closed last night (we close at 2330)... and my boss called in asking me to work his shift today due to a death in his family (he wanted me to open - 0730)...
I said no, because I'm not sleeping well and not sleeping often, and I only survived my shift last night by consuming obscene amts of red bull.

when I got home I crashed.
I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom looking for a song I heard on the radio on my drive home...
when I couldn't find it I got in the shower and then went to bed.
I had some weird dream last night - including one about slave... but I did sleep, albeit it fitfull, all night and all morning.
when I was doing laundry this morning... and I got an email from slave.
weird, eh?

::: posted by tinafish at 4:29 PM :::

I already knew this

I chose those sheets...
he's not as sentimental as I am...
or maybe he just doesn't care.

walter's cute and all... but he's no squishy.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:40 AM :::

Wednesday, June 22, 2005 :::

maybe I don't want to be saved

my diet for the last few days has been pretty much redbulls and cigarettes... with the occasional meal thrown in too.
mostly redbulls and cigs, though... and it's making me burp something wicked.

we're short staffed tonight... apparently we have been all day.
it's been really busy and I'm really tired so now I'm really grouchy.
oh and I can feel a tantrum coming on... so if I pick a fight with you don't take it too personally... and I promise I'll apologize...

no te comprendo, no entiendo que paso
si te di todo, quizás te di de mas
dime que falto, dime que sobro, dime que paso
pero dime algo, pues me estoy muriendo

::: posted by tinafish at 7:07 PM :::

"mind the suit, cleric"

I heard this song while I was driving to the theatre after work last night... it's called 50 dollars and a flask of crown (50 Dollars and a Flask of Crown) and it reminded me of me.
I'm totally feeling it atm, and I think I'm aiming for something similar on my bday.

so anyway - batman begins!
I've not been this excited about a movie since finding nemo.
it was great, ya'll. if you've not seen it yet, all I can say is... want someone to watch it with?
lol... I'll be seeing it again next chance I get. I really enjoyed it, and the company too.

doke and I played a couple of levels of tmnt. he's no anarchist hippie, though...
we played the first level to get familiar with the game, then we loaded up the level the anarchist hippie & I didn't beat.
we (doke and I) did fairly well, but we didn't kill the boss.
then I dozed a bit... 'till I had some dream about one of those grenades that assaults your senses... woke up and took him back to his car.
I could sure go for some tacos.

oh and hey - if you think ~I'm~ a nerd for putting an apple sticker on my apt window...
check out where doke put his:

::: posted by tinafish at 6:32 AM :::

Tuesday, June 21, 2005 :::

my to-do list

I'm always talking about things I want to do... like... before I die and stuff...
and there's this site, 43 things, that's just a big to-do list thingy.
it's pretty cool, and I've set up an account there, so hopefully now that my goals are out there I'll stop jacking around and work on them.

::: posted by tinafish at 7:19 PM :::

I keep holding on to what I want to believe

yeah yeah... I know I keep changing desktops... haven't found anything that sticks like devil jin did...

I've been sitting here w/ the vid for the hand that feeds just looping...
I've decided that I like the song. a lot.
so what if it's really rock/metal/pop - it's still a fucking ~amazing~ song.
... all that's missing now are my new posters...

::: posted by tinafish at 4:17 AM :::

say a prayer when you feel like cussing

I emailed my hosting co w/ a traceroute...
C:\Documents and Settings\joshsucks>tracert
only that's not really our login id... lol
and I changed it from our login to "joshsucks" while josh was reading along...
it was really funny, I promise.

adrian came by and played tmnt with me earlier.
he was off running in different directions than me, and purposely throwing those exploding barrels at me...
it took us fifteen minutes to clear one stage.
~fifteen~ minutes. ~one~ stage.
we were both laughing, though... that was nice.

I spent about an hour chatting with some d00d while I was at work.
he was dangerously close to getting blocked (seriously, I had my mouse on the ignore button) when he asked about tekken.
and I guessed his personal ad, out of the 40 that came up when I ran a search based on what I knew about him.
we talked briefly about my [lack of] faith...
maybe that's what I need right now - god.
things that happened over the last year... at first I was convinced that there was no god.
then something happened that made me believe again. not the faith I'd grown up with, that I'd been able to turn to for years... but something happened that forced me to acknowledge someone bigger than me.
I'm going to mass this sunday.

I'd like to thank all of you that let me lean on you today.
I'm not sure what happened or why, but I woke up already having a shit day... and I'm sincerely thankful to you for listening.
/me loves you forever

::: posted by tinafish at 2:57 AM :::

Monday, June 20, 2005 :::

what is reality?

do you ever worry about things being real?
I worry sometimes that maybe I didn't survive the break up; that maybe all of this is just in my head, and I'm really in a padded room somewhere...
or that I actually succeeded in taking my life that night - that he didn't stop me because he wanted me out of his life - and that this is purgatory...

the maintenance guy came by today...
I'm not entirely sure he believes me about something living in my wall or the bugs coming in either.
doke's gonna call and get them to spray for bugs on thursday (since my phone is mia again)... so at least things won't get any worse...

::: posted by tinafish at 3:41 PM :::

fierce and consuming, empowering and complete

I used to have someone to share my life with...
I'd roll over and wake him, and tell him all about the stupid dreams I have.
now I roll over and message rob about my dreams.
now don't get me wrong; I love the sexxxy little brit...
but I miss the kind of love that inspires - that burns so deeply I'm convinced I could never live with out it.

sorry about this... and I've got the feeling that posts like this will just come up more often the closer we get to the day he and I broke up.
things were shit, yeah... but I never stopped believing that he'd come around...
seems I still haven't.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:08 PM :::

abashed the devil stood...

... and felt how awful goodness is.

::: posted by tinafish at 1:52 AM :::

Sunday, June 19, 2005 :::

the first time

I've got this affection for duct tape - I'm one of those firm believers that all you really need to fix anything is either WD-40 or a roll of duct tape.
and I found this card that talks about duct tape... I'm really stoked about it, and I'm pretty sure my dad'll like it.
this is the first father's day I'll be spending with him; usually he spends the weekend in whatever part of the state my brother happens to be in.
honestly I'm a little nervous, but it's just an early dinner that we're going to.
this is the first time that I've worn makeup since my sister's bday (back in april) and I've even wearing my hear down.
still jeans and a tshirt, though... and combat boots.
it's not my fault, though. well it is, but there's nothing I can do about it now - I've gained so much weight that nothing but the jeans I bought after david & I broke up fit.
kinda embarrassing to admit, but oh well.

also, the connection here seems to be doing loads better.
last night I pinged yahoo - with 45% lost.
today when I pinged yahoo there was only 1% loss.
I'm pretty happy now, instead of constantly annoyed, so it's safe to chat with me once again.
I slept for almost 17 hours straight last night/this morning... I actually woke up around noon and didn't feel groggy at all.
kudos to me for finally working out my sleep; I've been screwed pretty much since 2 weeks ago.

and I'll leave you with this - they lyrics to my favorite song from nin's with teeth - getting smaller (Getting Smaller)

getting a little erratic here
and I don't know who to trust
I guess they got a way of reading my mind
I guess I got to adjust
I got my arms that flip flop flip flop flip
I got my head on a spring well
well I thought I got you on my side
I haven't got fucking anything

I'm just a face in the crowd
nothing to worry about
not even trying to stand out
I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller
and I have nothing to say
it's all been taken away
I just behave and obey
I'm afraid I am starting to fade away

I kind of see out the cracks
when I press up to the wall
I'm not looking to stand up real high
I'd be happy to crawl
I think I'm losing my grip
but I can still make a fist
you know I still got my one good arm
that I can beat that I can beat myself up with

I'm just a face in the crowd
nothing to worry about
not even trying to stand out
I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller
and I have nothing to say
it's all been taken away
I just behave and obey
I'm afraid I am starting to fade away

hey and for what it is worth
I really used to believe
that maybe there's some great thing
that we can achieve
and now I can't tell the difference
or know what to feel
between what I've been trying so hard to see
and what appears to be real

fading away fading away fading away fading away
my world if getting smaller every day
hey hey hey hey
and that's ok

::: posted by tinafish at 1:12 PM :::

Saturday, June 18, 2005 :::

well this is weird

so I'm not sure what's going on...
dunno if we're blocking my server (I can't access r00's site from here, either) or what's going on...
my ftp prog can't access my server... but blogger can ftp to it just fine.
and I can view my blog in the preview pane for editing my template...
but aside from that I can't touch it.
everyone else can, though...
but I can access the married d00d's site... and he uses the same hosting co that r00 and I do...

::: posted by tinafish at 11:52 AM :::

starts with a "p" and rhymes with "tune"

I bought ever after and tomb raider last night... and a couple of packs of red bull.
the anarchist hippie and I went out for tacos when I got off work, then to walmart for the movies & soda... and then we played video games 'till 0400.

OMG tmnt is hella hard, ya'll.
I dunno wtf, but it's like... the bosses on each level are disgustingly difficult to kill.
however - I did singlehandedly (the anarchist hippie's donatello died almost immediately upon entering the boss's stage) almost kill the flame throwing, shield wielding bad guy. like, if I'd have given him the stink eye (while he didn't have his shield up) I'd have killed him.
but no. he kept his shield up and torched me. for a while I was actually running around with flames spouting from one of my legs.
fun time.
methinks the anarchist hippie was just having a bad gaming day, 'cause when we played soul cal 2 he only won 1 game... something like 5 matches out to my 20 or so. and he was playing with his boy kilik... while I was playing with taki (I can't really control her - she jumps around too much, and not often when I want her to).

and now I'm at work, working on that hooded angel image again. I'm near done with the changes I'm making this round, so I'm stoked about that. this one's gonna be for my 401 page. I'm pretty happy with how the pic and the lyrics from a perfect circle's 3 libras worked out... I used that line, "to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel... eyes of a tragedy..."
then I'm gonna start working on another image, for another error page. I'm not sure which one, but I've already decided what lyrics I'm gonna use - that bit from nin's the only time - "lay my hands on heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars... while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car..."
only thing is I'm not able to access my website from work right now. at first I thought my site was down, but apparently other folks can acces it just fine. this is kinda annoying since the stuff I'm working on has to be uploaded from my control panel, not ftp'ed in.
/me shrug
guess we'll see

::: posted by tinafish at 11:13 AM :::

Friday, June 17, 2005 :::

I don't think they believed me

I went to the apt office this morning to pay my gas bill and to let them know about my uh... problems.
I walked in and one of them was eating a donut. so I talked to the other lady.
she got out her notepad when I told her I wanted to put in a work order...

me: there's something living in my wall... my bedroom wall... I live at the end of the building so I know it's not a neighbor.
her: [all she does is nod her head]
me: and I've got a bug problem... they seem to be coming in from under the wall in the hall closet... there's a lot of them.
her: [still just nodding her head]
me: and my blinds don't work.
her: [this is the only thing she wrote down!!!]

I'm pretty peeved. I went up there ~ 1000, and the maintenance guy still hadn't come by when I left for work (1545).
I was moving stuff around this morning (I went to bed ~ 2230 last night, so I woke up ~ 0530) and I moved a shoe box that was laying on the floor in the hall closet.
I found about 20 bugs - those big black beetles. it was really gross, and I thought about screaming. instead I grabbed a wrench (it was laying on the shelf) and started killing as many as I could. a lot of them just crawled under the wall and left.
wtf, eh?
I'm gonna call from work tomorrow and harass 'em, 'cause this is really fucked up.

on a lighter note, I'll talk about stuff I did.
I rearranged my living to look like it did in a dream I had last night...
and... I bought another nin poster.
/me blushing
it's that one poster that I had gotten all excited about but didn't buy...
here look:

I've still not heard anything about the other nin poster I bought...
hope they've not forgotten about me.

and I've been having really weird dreams.
one of the dreams I had - I was living off red bulls and cigarettes.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:22 PM :::

Thursday, June 16, 2005 :::

error pages for fun

I've made a custom error page... I have the option to creat loads of 'em, but for now it's just one error page spread across for all the errors.
it's still kinda shit, but I'm working on getting the image to link back to the referring page.
guess we'll see how that goes.

I'd planned on getting some sleep tonight, but I had a ~weird~ dream.
I woke up kinda freaking out so I came back in here to talk to rob.
and then I started working on the error page.

think I'm going to bed, but I've set my alarm so I can get up early and tell the apt folks about all the crap that's going on here.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:44 AM :::

more than one use

even though I've got no router, and nothing else to possibly plug my ibook into - nothing that uses an ethernet cord, anyway...
I've got a couple of 5 ft ethernet cords that I keep around.

since I didn't get much sleep last night due to the in-wall occupants, and since I forgot to call maintenance today, I decided to move my futon into my other bedroom.
I was more than half hoping the anarchist hippie would stop by for fun like he often does... but once it was half past midnight I decided to move it on my own.
thing is, I can't just drag it 'cause it's too wide to fit through the hall and the doorway. so I've gotta get this baby on it's side, or at least at an angle... only it's a futon so it'll slide.
in steps the ethernet cords.
I use 'em to tie the futon into the sitting position, then it's into the extra bedroom with the frame.
I fold the cushion in half then tie it up with the ethernet cords and lug that baby in too.

I'm fixing to move the little tv in there, drag my ps2 along, and move one of my "endtables" in there.
after a shower I'll put elektra on, and then sweet dreams for me.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:52 AM :::

resistance is futile

yeah... I changed it already. again.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:16 AM :::

only half a thought

the slurring is affecting more than just my speech; I left out the most important part in that last post.
it's not that I spent $20 on music - that's not bad at all.
what's killing me is that if I were to buy everything that's in my itunes shopping cart it'd put me out ~ $100.
and that's a bit much, ya know? that's why I was fussing about the itunes allowance thing.
'cause I'm really tempted to just buy all that stuff and enjoy myself.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:05 AM :::

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 :::

maybe I do need an allowance

I really like that song sadeness... I love the monks.
so I ran a search on itunes for gregorian chants...
and then I bought a couple of albums... World Meditation - Six Daily Meditations from Around the World (World Meditation - Six Daily Meditations from Around the World) and Gregorian Chant: Salve Regina (Gregorian Chant: Salve Regina)
I'm really happy with both of those albums... and I listened to them all night.
and right when I was falling asleep this morning, I decided to buy the soundtrack to house of flying daggers 'cause I absolutely ~love~ the song the chick sings when she's dancing there at the beginning... it's called something... translates to "beauty song" (Beauty Song (Jia Ren Qu)) and it's the most relaxing thing...
I put the soundtrack of hero in my shopping cart - I love the music in that scene where nameless fights sky.
I also put various other albums with chants on them in my shopping cart...

where I'm going with this is that I've already spent $20 on music... in about an hour.
itunes offers an allowance, where it'll charge my credit card a certain amt every month, and I can't buy anything once I've used all the credit on my acct.
I've thought about using the allowance thing before... but I talked myself out of it since some months I don't buy anything at all.
/me shrug
think I need to work on talking myself into it. or at least trying to control my purchases.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:24 PM :::

fucking rodents

I can't sleep - every time I start to doze whatever is living in my wall starts making a fuss and scares the crap outta me/wakes me up.
so I'm sitting here on the floor in front of my laptop, eating fried rice and reading even though I'd rather be asleep.
/me sigh

and I started wondering... since I was having this conv w/ a friend of mine about being true to your-/my- self...
I'm not entirely sure if being a geek or a nerd or whatever is cool now, or if it's just that I've changed my friends.

back in high school I dressed up for school every day... like a fucking spice girl.
and now it's a big deal if I don't spend the day in pajamas.
I never got made fun of in high school... guess 'cause when it comes down to it we were all nerds...

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.
I've spent the last hour or so catching up with Mike (my best friend, whom I affectionately refer to as "dick wipe"), since I've not talked to him about 6 months.
and I bought a really cool poster on ebay earlier... so now I'm hoping I'll lose my bid on street fighter.

remind me to call maintenance in the morning.
and remind me to hide my planks of wood before I call.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:25 AM :::

Tuesday, June 14, 2005 :::

must be the accent

one of our customers is australian...
and every time I talk to him, when we hang up he says, "talk to you later, loser!"
and I laugh... 'cause it's cute...
only... I asked josh & sarah if he calls them a loser too... they've never talked to him.
I need to ask aaron.
'cause like... that's kinda fucked up if he's just calling me a loser.

josh is setting up his website - the inquisitive rational
I had hoped he'd buy (it's something his wife calls him, NOT something I made up), but I guess he's gonna be using this for school and future employment.

I'm so sleepy tonight.
I've bailed on watching the kids, so I can go home and just lounge about.
I doubt I'll go to bed too early, though - I swear to you there's something living ~in~ my bedroom wall. and it's very creepy.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:51 PM :::

just a bad day, maybe?

I watched minority report last night... I should've listened to the anarchist hippie... it was uh... not something I really liked.
and it made me have weird dreams, ya know?
and omg - I've dropped ~every~ frozen dinner I've micro-waved since friday. I dunno wtf, but I keep dropping 'em... no apparent reason, either.

when david and I broke up I bought this book called he's just not that into you. it tore me apart every time I started to read it... I couldn't ever get through more than just a couple of pages before I was crying too hard to be able to read.
I'm still not sure if that was the best thing for me to be reading... but at least it helped me realize that it had been a long time coming.
I still felt awful, though. for allowing it to get that bad. for not leaving.

I saw this book on my recommended list at amazon: she's just that into you
I doubt it would have made any difference if I'd have bought that for him; david never read for fun.
I just wish that he'd understood what he meant to me... and how much I changed for him. looking back, I guess it's a good thing... I've lost enough of myself.

and now... since I do seem to be so detached from everyone...
and since the only time I ever really throw a fit about a guy anymore... honestly it's more just my pride talking.
think I ought to give this one a whirl: be honest - you're not that into him either
I wonder how I'd feel about justin after reading that.
think I'm gonna buy it and find out.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:29 PM :::

Monday, June 13, 2005 :::

I can tell you're excited

I've been poking around various pages looking at soul cal 3 stuff...
there's 3 new characters... one of them, dubbed the "Misguided Angel of Death," is named tira. she looks pretty cute, and she's got this sword shaped like a hula-hoop.
and guess what! Voldo's still ugly (only now he's got a studded cup) and Ivy still looks like a dominatrix dyke (only in a different color).

see? and I had to put 2 pics of ivy... the first one so you can see her outfit, and the second one to see her in element.

oh and here's the e3 soul calibur 3 trailer. it looks really cool, and I'm already really stoked - particularly with the whole create-your-own-character bit.
let's all cross our fingers and hope it doesn't turn out to suck!

::: posted by tinafish at 10:47 PM :::


I've taken more mac calls today than I have in the last month.
it's been... lol
I dunno. just odd, I guess.

jordan and I ordered from little panda for dinner.
I now have ~ $1.13 to last me 'till wednesday.
looks like I won't be buying any cigarettes for a few days, but that's not a bad thing.
but um... I feel kinda gross 'cause I didn't like the sesame chicken or the fried rice, but I ate a lot of it anyway. the spring rolls weren't that great either.
guess I just don't like little panda?
and speaking of not liking food...
I went over to my sister's last night for dinner (she made tacos).
and um... I know this sounds awful... but like... the tacos at rosita's are ~so~ much better.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:45 PM :::

... even so far away...

I've just put my netflix movies in the mail... I've been watching deep space nine since ~ 2100.
and now that I've actually seen kai winn back when she was only a vedik.... well... she's still a bitch.
lol - seriously. she is. serves her right getting torched after everything she did.
and omg.. I watched this episode of ds9... and like... rumplestiltskin was in it...
and it ~totally~ creeped me out. I was looking suspiciously at my bear for the rest of the night... I still am, actually.
/me sigh
I do wish I wasn't such a wuss.

I've been looking at my audioscrobbler profile...
guess I'm probably finding my listening habits more interesting than anyone else is...
I had no idea I listen to so much nine inch nails...
/me shrug

and now I'm setting up a playlist to listen to while I sleep.
methinks the gladiator soundtrack is a go.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:31 AM :::

Sunday, June 12, 2005 :::

europe sucks!

the sexxxy little brit and I have been...
he's such a nut... and like... my advice was RTFM.
much to my surprise, he seems to have started on it.
not to my surprise, he's provided me with a copy of the manual too.
/me rolling eyes

lus came by earlier, which was nice.
hadn't talked to him in a couple of weeks.
he's busy with work and school and working out.
it was good seeing him again.

the anarchist hippie and I watched the boondock saints in honor of the whole, "cuddle? what a fag," bit I pulled.
and since then I've been watching episodes of ds9.
ya know... I dunno if I'm gonna keep up with my system of watching my netflix dvds. what I usually do is watch them over the weekend, put them in the mail monday morning... wednesday netflix receives them and sends me new ones... and I get the new ones on friday.
with the whole me working on saturdays I dunno if I'm gonna keep to this schedule... plus, now that I've finished all the stargate seasons... I dunno. don't get me wrong - I love star trek... but I think I'm gonna try watching a few movies now before I get too involved with ds9.
so I created another profile, full of just movies that I wanna watch. atm my plan is to go through 10 or so... then go back to my original queue (that's mostly just seasons of star trek now) for a season or two... then back to the movies queue.
yep, that sounds like a plan to me.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:30 AM :::

Saturday, June 11, 2005 :::

anyone wanna go halfsies on a bastard?

so like... I'm at work and stuff... and I was right - I was too wired to sleep (I've still not been to bed).

buuuuuut... I've been looking at tmnt cheats (not trying to cheat per se, but trying to figure out htf to load a game)...
and it's become apparent that it would be ~so~ much fun to have 4 players!
so I've become near obsessed with getting a multiplayer adapter so me, the anarchist hippie, and two other lucky folks can play together!
only I'll still hafta acquire 2 more ps2 controllers... I've been meaning to buy a green one anyway...

::: posted by tinafish at 12:27 PM :::

"you don't suck at life, tina...."

"... just at soul calibur."
the anarchist hippie... omfg he was owning me tonight. In my defense, he kept playing as kilik (his strongest character) and I kept choosing the random character bit...
I was kicking some ass with ivy tonight, though... it was pretty awesome. I'd not played that well with her since that first time I played soul cal 2 at the arcade.
we were both very impressed, and the anarchist hippie kept having me face off with kilik and cervantes (his second strongest character). it was really intense, and we took several smoke breaks.
we also levelled up in tmnt... for the life of me, though, I couldn't figure out how to save the game. we had to start all over tonight... but we made it a whole other level before dying. that was a lot of fun too, only I do wish there was a "load game" option.

I was supposed to go have a few beers with one of the guys I work with, but he never showed up.
before too long the anarchist hippie came by and we went out for tacos!
mmmmmmmm tacos...

y'know... I'm much too excited to get to sleep just yet.
I know I'm gonna regret it in the morning...
/me sigh
I'm kicking my own ass for agreeing to work saturdays at all.
at the time, it seemed like a good call - I could sure use the extra money.
but omg the whole get-up-and-go-to-work is a helluva lot harder than I thought it'd be.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:58 AM :::

Friday, June 10, 2005 :::

I am the lizard king

I received an Aztec wall
      of vision
& dissolved my room in
      sweet derision
Closed my eyes, prepared to go
A gentle wind inform'd me so
And bathed my skin in ether glow

::: posted by tinafish at 7:24 PM :::

a grrl's gotta have her coffee

you know, I liked justin a lot more a week ago.
I know that's a pretty fucked up thing to say, but it's true.
/me sigh
don't get me wrong, he's a good enough guy...
/me shrug

work has been extraordinarily frustrating this afternoon - and it has nothing to do with our customers.
the jesus fan and gizmo have taken to restarting my computer remotely... for fun.
no matter if I'm in a call, or reading something, or typing...
it's pretty annoying. sometimes they'd restart it before I'd even had a chance to log in.
so I decided to read moby dick instead.
and they're both gone now, so I can use my computer with relative confidence now.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:47 PM :::

heroes in a half shell

well I ~finally~ finished the secret garden tonight.
maybe 3 mins after I closed the book I heard a knock on my door...
I hollared "come in," but just got another knock out of that.
after much deliberation I decided I was bothered enough to see who it was...
and surprise surprise the anarchist hippie was knocking on my door.
weird, eh?

s'anyway... we talk and smoke a couple of lights left over from this past weekend... then head to 7eleven for a slurpee and more cigs - reds this time.
we get back and I put some flautas in the oven... and one of my neighbors is doing laundry (that same fella I talked to once), and he's sitting in his car listening to his radio while I'm laid out on my hood.

after the taquitos were ready we came inside to eat them and play some tekken.
omg the anarchist hippie (who apparently at some point bought tekken 5) was giving me a run for my money!
it was awesome, ya'll.
then after a while we put on tmnt. omg it was great! seriously... I know it's old school, but it's ~totally~ worth it.
we cleared 2 levels, 6 stages apiece... only we both died at the end of the 2nd stage 6.
that kinda sucked, but oh well.
anyhow... if you get the chance, give tmnt a whirl. it's a lot of fun and a total flashback to the 80s.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:57 AM :::

Thursday, June 09, 2005 :::

thanks for all that useless information

I love when customers call in and give me all sorts of information, but don't ever get around to telling me what the problem is.
lol... seriously. I'm not psychic.

doke and I went out last night, just to pour house for about an hour or so.
my last post was a bit cryptic...
I dunno. think it's time I gave up on that one.
hopefully we can try again... probably in august or so...
guess we'll see.

and the uh... issue that doke and I had last night...
kinda made me laugh.
one of the reasons adrian and I don't get along too well...
he'll call bullshit on me.
he's really good at noticing when I'm avoiding the question or... when I'm dressing up the truth.
I remember one time I told him (adrian) that I wanted to apologize about something.... and he said, "but... ?" since I really wasn't going to apologize.

guess I'm just gonna give it a rest for a while.
I've got enough on my plate as it is.
speaking of which... I've recently become near obsessed with trying to get the sexxxy brit to take a trip to mexico with me next summer.
that'd be awesome... only we've never met and it has the potential to ~completely~ suck.
so we're both kinda hesitant, but I really think it'd be fun. I mean, I've known him for near 6 years now... I don't think it'd be bad at all.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:46 PM :::

what is the truth?

I think it's odd how we all make distinctions... how we pass off skewed versions of the truth in order to... in order to... in order to what?
I used to raise hell if I felt someone wasn't being completely honest with me.
implicit trust was something I expected.
in the same breath, it was something I hardly ever gave.

now there are times when I dress up the truth to look like a lie...
covering the truth with implied meanings and technicalities.
to look like the lie that the other person wants to hear.
I wonder... does it not become a lie just by allowing the other person to believe the things you implied, but didn't actually say?

::: posted by tinafish at 1:55 AM :::

Wednesday, June 08, 2005 :::

I'm not a mac expert

even though that's what my job title says.

I read my share of mac related articles and I do try to keep up to date with any major changes and such...
john gruber of daring fireball is someone who seems to be respected by the rest of the community, and he's not one to start spurting rumors. I read his blog fairly often, and here's his take on the whole apple-switching-to-intel that everyone's fussing about: bombs away
honestly, the only reason I found out about the rumored switch before I'd watched the keynote is 'cause I happened to read his blog over the weekend.

and from little gamers

::: posted by tinafish at 5:21 PM :::

I know you're crazy awesome...

so ~please~ fill out your info for my birthday alarm acct.
I feel awful whenever I find out I've missed a bday.

if you've got a birthday alarm acct (or would like to set one up) use this link...

or if you don't want to bother with it but you still wanna be crazy awesome and put your info in for me anyway, use this link instead.

and this has nothing to do with my bday coming up in a couple of months...
/me wink

::: posted by tinafish at 4:29 PM :::

Tuesday, June 07, 2005 :::

will I ever forget?

when I woke up this morning I knew...
today would have been our anniversary.
maybe it still is?
for so many years we loved and hated... pure and ever forgiving... two opposites in so many ways.
even now, after so long.
I hope, wherever he is, he is happy.
and I hope, too, he has not forgotten.
I will always love him.
he was always there; the echo that david never surpassed.
then again, david never forgave.
that is one thing I will always miss... how any problem was never so big in the light of day.
everything is forgivable.
I still don't know if that is a good thing.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:50 PM :::

a startling discovery

jordan (aka milkdud) is no longer the biggest nerd I know.
aaron (aka the jesus fan) is apparently... or was, rather... a psycho trekkie.

he dressed up ya'll.
had a tricorder.
rank pips.
even a phaser.

he'd told me before that he used to be a member of the local star trek fan club, but he didn't mention that he was a psycho trekkie.

I'm like... shocked ya'll.
I've never met a psycho trekkie irl before.
and I didn't think I'd ever meet a bigger nerd than jordan.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:42 PM :::

not your average jane schmoe

so justin and I were talking about pwrbks and ibooks earlier...
my only beef with the ibook is that it can't support dual monitors out of the box, and the screen res is still only 1024x768.
and he's near a fanboy when it comes of pwrbooks.

now seriously... I am a consumer, ya know?
maybe he'd make full use of a pwrbook, but I'm fairly certain I wouldn't.
like I just finished saying, the only thing I don't like about ibooks is the res and no dual monitors.
that said, I absolutely ~love~ my ibook. I think it's beautiful to look at... seriously. straight out of the box they look great, and I've got an awesome tinkerbell sticker on the back of mine. very nice.
pwrbks are dead sexxxy too, don't get me wrong... but they look so... sterile and uninviting.
I dunno. don't forget you're talking to a grrl who bought her first ibook in under 3 minutes, and I still had legally blonde fresh in my head from watching it the night before.

anyhow... the whole point of this post...
color ware will paint a pwrbk white for me.

also, if I wig out (like I'm sometimes known to do) and decide I want my ps2 painted white (since the white ps3 isn't out for another ten years) it's a go!
also, I can buy a new ipod and get the gross grey click wheel painted white.
sounds like a plan to me!

::: posted by tinafish at 7:18 PM :::

if you like offensive tshirts...

worse than hell is back.
this is one place james would never shop.

I talked to r00 last night - he linked me to this article that cracked me up.
check his blog to see what I mean.

justin stopped by again this afternoon.
he spent about 20 mins bitching about apple switching to intel.
he's still looking for another job... he was hoping that since we recently... got rid of one of the guys in tech support.... he was hoping we had an opening or two.
it doesn't looks like we'll be replacing the employee anytime soon.
he's been having horrible luck finding a job. I dunno what to tell him, though. I mean, when I got fired from the hospital I spent a few months jacking around (looking for a job that I'd like) then applied at convergys when I had reached the bottom of my savings acct. then when convergys made me wanna hang myself using my headset cord I applied here and they called me. and I was hired. all of this within like... 24 hours.

I got july's macworld this morning.
brought it to work with me to read some time tonight.
I'm awful sleepy again today, though... dunno why - I went to bed ~ 06 and woke up at 14. I had such plans to clean my apt today, but right when I was about to get started I saw justin walk up.
and I just remembered I forgot to water my shrub.

::: posted by tinafish at 4:25 PM :::

os x is ~such~ a whore!

if you haven't seen the wwdc keynote you need to watch it.
right. this. minute.

I love steve jobs - he's got a really amiable presence.
and I enjoyed the keynote... they're already planning the next os x release - this one is called leopard.
10.0 was called cheetah, 10.1 puma, 10.2 jaguar, 10.3 panther, 10.4 tiger, and now 10.5 will be leopard.
fun fun.

I still think os x is a whore - apparently for the last 5 years they've had her running on intel and not just the pwrpc chips.
but it was pretty cute how steve jobs brought it up.

::: posted by tinafish at 12:38 AM :::

Monday, June 06, 2005 :::

just another notch on my headboard of broken ideals

I'm tired.
maybe in a few days I'll go back to trying to keep the peace.
I will never truly be the unicorn he thought I was.
I hurt same as he does.
at least I can admit it.

it is the closest thing to an apology that I can offer.
I wasn't wrong, and I won't apologize for my feelings.
that's one thing I've never understood.
if you feel something, it isn't wrong. it's how you feel.
don't apologize because it doesn't fit into someone else's plan.
be true to yourself.
if you're not, no one else will be.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:17 PM :::

omfg I did it again this year

last year I forgot to watch the wwdc keynote for a few days.
at least this year I remembered I forgot to watch it on the day instead of like... a week later.
I'll probably watch it when I get home, or possibly on one of the computers here if I get the chance.

and funny story...
I was babysitting my neice and nephew (and their dog, whose name is louie but I call walter) last night, and when the kids fell asleep he was laying out on the futon with my neice...
I was in my bedroom and got up to get a glass or water... the little d00d was just sitting in the hall staring at my bedroom door.
so I brought the little bugger into my room with me and set him on my bed. I covered him with a blanket, and I swear to you INSTANTANEOUSLY he fell asleep.
when the sun came out I took him out to poo and pee...

when I got to work this afternoon I smelled dog on me, and I asked sarah (since she sits next to me) if she smelled anything. she didn't.
after about half an hour gizmo and the jesus fan started fussing...
apparently at some point - I'm guessing when I took walter out this morning - I stepped in some dog doodie.

::: posted by tinafish at 7:25 PM :::

this ~is~ my blog

so I decided to publish that post from last night.
I dunno... it may make some of you worry about me, but seriously - I'm fine.
I love all of you guys, and I know that it sounds like I'm just ragging on my friends, but I don't mean to.
I just get really tired sometimes. and I just want someone to lean on. just for a bit, ya know? 'till I get rested enough to go back to standing on my own.

adrian and I went out on saturday. he said (supposedly jokingly) that he likes me better when I'm drunk than when I'm sober.
his eyes were closed when he said it, but he told me it was a joke when I kinda got offended.
it hit me pretty hard, I guess 'cause I've kinda heard that before, from more than I one person.
he took the brunt of my... I wouldn't really call it an attack, but I did throw a pretty big fit.
he left when I stopped listening to him and wouldn't come out of my room.
I know it's pretty fucked up of me to take what he said so personally, particularly since it was something he didn't really mean.

/me sigh
I've just been having a pretty rough past couple of weeks.
but chin up, right?

on a lighter note, justin came by this afternoon.
I rolled over and was reading some messages he'd sent while I was asleep, when I got a message from him saying something like, "it's 2pm. you should be awake by now."
I thought it was pretty funny, 'cause I had my fingers on my keyboard just fixing to reply to his messages.
he's a good guy, ya'll. I find myself almost resentful of how much fun I have when I'm with him, 'cause it just means I'll miss him when he's gone.
the anarchist hippie and I were talking about "significant others" on friday night.
he said that he wants to be with someone that he'll miss when she's not around.
I've been munching on that since then, I guess.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:45 PM :::

maybe I just needed a dose of sg1?

I threw myself a pity party earlier... it's dumb, I know.
like... I'm still kinda wallowing atm, but I feel loads better.
methinks watching sg1 has a euphoric effect on me.

I still don't know if I'm gonna publish this is or not.
I blog a lot, but some posts don't ever make it to the page. I've got a few that are just drafts, that I either didn't like the way I sounded... like, if I can't really translate my thoughts into words.
and other drafts are like this... when I don't really want anyone to know.
/me sigh
this is, after all, my diary.
think I'll just blog now, and decide whether or not to publish in the morning.

I dunno how else to describe the way I feel... aside from this analogy I pulled outta my arse earlier, when I was talking to doke on the phone.
I feel like... like I've got a glass of water. and this water is me, ya know?
and like... there are all these people around that are thirsty... and I keep passing my cup off to those around me, even though I'm just as parched as they are.
and when I finally have my cup back, all my water's gone.

I know that's pretty cryptic, but really that's the best I can do right now.
I wish there was someone around who'd let me drink out of their glass.
just a sip, ya know? just so I can remember what it feels like to drink.

::: posted by tinafish at 6:36 AM :::

Sunday, June 05, 2005 :::

for a few minutes, this place was armageddon!

dunno if you noticed, but my away message earlier alluded to my plan to go swimming in the pool with the anarchist hippie...
and now... I was kinda sad 'cause it looked stormy out, but I was glad 'cause at least I wouldn't get a sunburn from being out during the day.
(yes, I know... I'm a ~horrible~ hispanic... I sunburn and I can't handle spicy foods)
so I ignored the warnings of my weather widget:

and since it wasn't raining or anything, just kinda cloudy, I thought we'd go for a swim anyway.

maybe 10 mins in there was a light drizzle for a couple of minutes then it cleared up...
and 20 mins later there was a bit of hail... pea sized for about a minute, maybe a minute and a half... then clear again...
and 20 mins after that... omfg it started raining pretty hard and then hail! not pea-sized again, oh no - ping pong ball sized!
instead of us running back to my apt, we strecthed our hoodies out over us and just sat on the bench at the pool...
it wasn't so bad, only... the anarchist hippie took one in the head when we were getting out of the pool, and one that sneaked through our protective hoodie layer gave me a bruise on my thigh.
this riot lasted about 10 mins... then it cleared up again.

we got back in the pool, for another half hour or so, then came back to my apt.
I showered & changed and the anarchist hippie dried off and changed... then we went questing for tacos.

and that, my dear, is how I have spent my afternoon off.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:38 PM :::

Saturday, June 04, 2005 :::

drunken scissor kicks are my specialty

just finished watching the cell w/ adrian... he's still giving me garbage about the supposed scissor kick I performed while ~completely~ toasted.
I really don't remember doing anything like that, but oh well.

and you know how it goes with us - we take turns throwing tantrums.
I made a great analogy about us earlier!
have you heard hard headed woman (Hard Headed Woman), by elvis?
pretend that the hard headed woman is a hard headed man,
and the soft hearted man is a soft hearted woman...
and you've got the awesome dynamic btwn me and adrian!
(according to me, anyway. I'm sure he'd site the song as elvis sings it)

I had my im status earlier set to "anyone wanna go to dallas with me the first weekend in july?"
and I've found someone! he's gonna check his work schedule, but hopefully Juan (a friend-in-law I met through my roommate in houston, Kevan) will be able to go with me.
ooh... someone's knocking on my wall.

::: posted by tinafish at 9:25 PM :::

and I thought jordan was a nerd...

my friend raydeo... he's um... quite the nerd.
I remember this one time, a couple of years ago... he was dating this chick... and he dumped her...
'cause she didn't like star trek.
/me shaking head

and then today he told me about this chick he met...
but instead of getting her name and number he got her sn and the server she games on.
sounds like a match made in heaven to me.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:49 PM :::

round is a shape

this one's for me, the anarchist hippie, and our never-ending quest for tacos...

gotta love drew.

::: posted by tinafish at 10:28 AM :::

Friday, June 03, 2005 :::

not quite as sexxxy as devil jin

but it was time for a change...

::: posted by tinafish at 11:48 PM :::

duct tape adventures

I had a really weird dream this morning...
my friend chris hall is getting married next month, and since his chick's from dallas that's where their wedding is gonna be.

I was dreaming that justin went with me to dallas for the wedding, and that we were staying at a hotel or something...
and we got in this big fight about us having sex (or us not having sex, depending on you look at it)...

I think it's weird that I'm dreaming about him...
really I'm not sure what I'm trying to tell myself... or if I'm just making generalizations.
my dream-justin could symbolize every guy, and the fight about the no-sex bit is pretty accurate.

for years I've dated guys for 2 months at a time, 'cause usually after 2 months they're trying to kiss and hug on me... and I'm not much for that at all, esp since these are guys I don't know very well.

it makes me kinda sad, esp the bit with justin irl... if I was just whoring around I'd probably not be having the same argument with different guys over and over again.
forgive me for wanting a counterpart, not a fuck buddy.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:08 PM :::

the never-ending battle

so for ~whatever~ reason... I think I was possessed or something...
I bring rob into the conv milkdud and I are having - actually the conv the guys and I have at work mostly every day...
now as much as I love rob... sometimes I just wanna reach through the IM window and stab him in the eye!

oh how I love all the guys I know.

::: posted by tinafish at 5:29 AM :::

you've dazzled me with your spontaneity

I love the future perfect tense of spanish...
words like bailaré, cantaré, & lloverá.
I just think it's so beautiful...
like this one line from cuándo los ángeles lloran (Cuando Los Angeles Lloran) by maná....
cuándo los ángeles lloran... lloverá
it means: when angels weep it will rain
**this feels familiar - have I mentioned it before?**
I think that's such a moving line... and I'm almost positive it's because of the possible-future it holds.

I'm not sure why I find this stuff so attractive, particularly since I'm not exactly fluent in spanish...
/me shrug

I also think latin's a beautiful language... and I love the way people from spain speak spanish...
like eddie izzard said, "two countries seperated by a common language."
(pay no attn that he was referring to the US and england, and not mexico and spain)
(I promise it makes perfect sense)

::: posted by tinafish at 4:24 AM :::

good sex weather

it's raining pretty hard. no hail, though.
and it's fairly warm.

adrian came over tonight, to return my movies.
the anarchist hippie stopped by and invited us out to jake's for some pool. adrian didn't wanna go.
it really irks me how he so often (or maybe so easily?) tells me no.
like... I dunno... he can call bull shit on me when most others don't have a clue what I'm really thinking.
it's pretty annoying.
at least I can look at him now - so I guess I'm not crushing on him like I was back when we were dating.
he's something else... or maybe he's just a helluva lot more like me than either one of us wants to admit.
/me shrug
I feel bad 'cause things went to shit btwn us... but I had a lot going on, and I don't regret the choices I made. I just wish it didn't hurt him like it did... I also wish he was willing to admit it hurt.
/me sigh
we're awful similar.

I took a pic of him earlier, using his phone... while I was standing on my bed looking down at him.
I'll get it uploaded and added to the about page next chance I get.
I worked on it a bit again tonight... tried a few different versions of the image... what's up now looks readable in safari & from r00's screenshot I think it looks readable in firefox too.
I'll check it out for myself at work tomorrow... hopefully this one'll stick.

for now I think I'm just gonna make some tea and read for a bit... 'till the storm passes, at least.
then I'll probably log on to talk to rob for a while. or maybe I'll head to the hospital to visit my sis and lus.
can you believe she got a dog today? that's the last thing she needs... the poor thing's gonna end up with no manners and living outside.
/me sigh
I do miss squish.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:26 AM :::

Thursday, June 02, 2005 :::

hayden's a pusher

after all the talking about drinks at work last night, I asked adrian to go to the pour house with me after work.
now when I got off work the anarchist hippie was hiding behind my truck... he invited me to jakes to play some pool, but since I already had plans I declined.
I got home a little late... adrian was waiting for me... I spent a few minutes looking for my phone but I couldn't find it.
then we went to the pour house.

they've hired a lot of new people - last night hayden was working and a new chick and a new door guy. and I got carded, ya'll, even though hayden was already pouring us a couple of shots.
I had 4 shots in ~ 20 mins... adrian said some stuff that kinda forced my hand on that... well he didn't force it, but it made me wanna go to a happy place pretty quick.
you know, with all the mentioning of adrian I've been doing lately, I should've included a pic of him too (on the about page). I'll hafta see if I have one anywhere.
anyhow... um... I was pretty trashed by the time I wandered over to the bar for some tissue... and I talked to hayden a bit about martinis...
apparently I ordered a cherry martini - I remember bitching about him using wells vodka, so he used grey goose. I don't remember if I liked it or not, or what it tasted like... but I do remember it had 3 cherries in it!
then we had a couple of liquid cocaines... the madd huge shots hayden always makes... hayden took that shot with us, only he had special reserve instead of liquid cocaine.

I remember before we left the bar I made a huge effort to lace up my boots.
and when I got home, I remember unlacing and taking off my right boot, then unlacing my left boot.
and that's all I remember.

I woke up this morning at ~ 0830 absurdly thirsty... I drank some water then went to bed.
I'm not sure what my tab was, or how much of a tip I left... I just hope it didn't set me back too much.
and I ~so~ wanna buy this shirt:

'cause I do! I love hayden! and brian! and sheena! and jordan!
(I'm still undecided about the newbies hayden hired)

::: posted by tinafish at 4:48 PM :::

Wednesday, June 01, 2005 :::

gotsta brush t3h teeth

I ~love~ this pic of r00!!! it's my absolute favorite picture of him!

::: posted by tinafish at 11:18 PM :::

shaken, not stirred

we were talking about drinks earlier tonight... I've never had a martini. according to milkdud I should follow bond's footsteps.
/me shrug
on a totally awesome note there's another grrl working back here with us. there's been a schedule change so the chach now works days and sarah, the other sup, now works evenings with us.
I miss tim loads, but at least now I'm not the only one defending the gender, ya know?

adrian and I are gonna make a visit to the pour house tonight...
and I'm ~really~ hungry atm. I had a double cheeseburger from mcdonald's earlier, but it's all gone now.

I spent some time poking around audioscrobbler's forums earlier... then read the best place in the universe for a while.
I'm pretty sleepy, even though I slept for near 10 hours last night.

I redrew my flower on the board today... gizmo erased it after only ~ 5 mins... while I was on the phone, mind you.
I hollared out "NOOOOOO!" so I'm really glad I was just talking to one of the girls in the billing office and not one of our customers.

::: posted by tinafish at 11:08 PM :::

fun fuuun fuuuuun

so I changed the about me page... hopefully this'll work better...
I'm trying to get some screenshots before I close photoshop; I redid the image to make it more readable (hopefully).
I also changed the main page a bit... I got rid of most of the hotspots - all but 2.

the kids are asleep in my living room right now. we watched tron earlier.
I didn't get to see much of it, since the anarchist hippie and his sidekick stopped by for a while. we stood outside talking while the kids watched the movie.
I told the anarchist hippie I'd go watch sw:rots with him in the morning.

I'm pretty tired, and I'm not sure why.
the weather's still crap - rain and hail and such.

if you get the chance read up on questionable content - it's hilarious ya'll.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:28 AM :::